The R.A.G. Files

Tonight fundamentalist Christians everywhere mourn, not for the loss of Terri Schaivo who died today, but for loss of the shameful and shallow publicity they have received as a result of attaching themselves to her plight like bloodsuckers.


Fundamentalists have made her into the symbol for their deification of zombies. Indeed, Schaivo is their symbol of the value they place on life lived at all costs, under any circumstances, life without any of the necessary traits that define human agency: consciousness, self-reflection, communication or free will. In other words, life is not sacred to them but zombified life, life as living death is. Rather than life being lived or potential realized, this group of hate mongering publicity whores has traded the integrity of their religion for the nefarious priviledge of torturing the living dead. They have forsaken any right to respect by refusing to let the artificially animated corpse, the pitiful zombie that once was a living human being known as Terri Schaivo, finish dying all the way.


The feeding tube has served as a conceptual lynchpin in this incident, in discussions about life and quality of life. It has become a milestone for that point when life is so dependent on machines that quality of life is severely diminished. In this state the path to death is shorter and more humane than the intrusive, uninvited and anti-heroic measures taken to make sure every brain-dead corpse can maintain mechanical bodily functions for as long as possible.


Christians do not see it this way. Their history and ideology holds unnecessary sadism, suffering and ignorance as sacrosanct paths to virtue. They desired that Terri Schaivo keep suffering in a near-death state because it satisfied their sick fantasy of spiritual purity through suffering. The longer Schaivo suffered, the more she became the perfect object of their veneration. In this ideology of sadism, suffering is the path to purity and therefore death is a gift that one should deny oneself as long as possible because death is a release from suffering. As it applies to the individual believer, it is a merely masochistic outlook but when the standard is used against others it becomes sadistic, a means of prolonging the suffering of another person in order to gratify one’s own religious fantasies.


By temporarily obstructing Mrs. Schaivo from dying the way she wanted to die, the fundamentalist Christians also demonstrated their strong belief that submission and ignorance supercedes freewill and knowledge. By their warped illogic, people who commit suicide have “sinned” not because their death caused suffering to the friends and family who remain but because the suicide victim did not allow god, that great axe man in the sky to choose the time and place of their death. Similarly by choosing to remove a feeding tube or other artificial, mechanical means of sustaining life, they believe that human beings who exercise freewill to alleviate suffering are subverting divine authority to kill at will. They believe that their god prefers to watch people cling to the most meager semblance of life in an unconscious state for years and even decades, causing suffering to the comatose person and the friends and family of the comatose person. What but the most sadistic god would make such a demand of his followers? Who but the most dangerously delusional, psychopathic and mentally unsound people would blindly follow such a god? And why should the rest of us stand by on the sidelines like idiots and pretend to respect their beliefs?


America is a place where people are free to follow such a tyrannical god, to wallow in ignorance, to indulge barbaric fantasies of causing suffering to other people. But it is not a place where we can allow such people to wield power over the rest of us.


According to a catholic priest speaking on the Thursday, March 31 broadcast of Nightline, a recent survey indicated that 85% of Americans would rather die than be kept alive with heroic measures if a medical condition rendered them permanently unconscious and totally dependant on mechanical life support systems.


Now all that remains to be done is to find a way to protect ourselves from the dangerous delusions and rampant ignorance of the remaining 15% and then we can finally let Terri Schaivo begin her long overdue rest in peace. We must all hope that we can keep these maniacs and their zombie fetish from taking control of any more of our country than they already have.

Florida. Okay, been taking some flak from some RAG readers about Terri Schaivo. I figured I would get the occasional criticism on certain issues, I'm really surprised that people are actually reading the RAG outside of my friends and family.
In the wake of Mrs. Schaivo's passing I will state this. Yes, it's sad that she's gone. Sad that she suffered for so long without a feeding tube. I personally, don't know if she was brain damaged enough to put down, but 7 years seems like an awful long time to be hooked up to an apparatus. Besides, I'm not an expert, the court-appointed doctor is. And he stated that she would not recover. Okay, so her husband said that she wanted off life support in the event somehting like this happened, after it happened. Does that sound fishy? A little. But, that decision was allegedly between a man and his wife. Was there a need to get the Vatican involved? The state legislature? Jeb Bush? George Bush? Federal courts? No. I think not. And it was that, we at the RAG files were poking fun at.
The bottom line, if you've made the decision to be taken off life support, then share these wishes with all family members. I am an organ donor, and when I die, they can have whatever organ they want from me (except maybe my liver as it's probably no good anymore), my family knows this, not happy about it as it goes against some Maori superstition thingy, but those are my wishes.

News has become such sensationalism. Celebrity's taking a dump is news nowadays. So the way we at the RAG feel, if they can do it, so can we!

Santa Barbera. Mikey meets the man who matched him up with his child lover. How's this guy gotta feel? It's like working for a scientist gathering stray animals for lab tests! Mikey's been trying to pull the "my back really hurts, judge, I can't make it in to court today." crap. But the judge isn't letting him get by with his theatrics. I just saw the movie "Finding Neverland". When you think about that story, wouldn't you think it wierd that a 40 something playright wanted to hang out with your kids 24-7?

Los Angeles. Johnny Cochrane died. The man who cued the phrase, "If the glove don't fit you must acquit." He also is the reason you hear a lot of "It's because I'm black, isn't it?" or "It's because I'm not white, isn't it?" Johnny suffered from a rare brain tumor. See ya!

Chicago. Probably should have sidelined this one with Mikey's story. Oprah and Lisa Marie Presley. Need I say more? I can't beleive this made headlines! Lisa, I only like you because I totally think your dad rocked! Oprah?.....At any rate, she said Mike used her, blah blah blah, but she thinks he loved her. aaaarrrrrgh!

Santa Clara. Some deranged star-struck woman has proposed to Scott Peterson! Why the hell do women want men in prison? Death-row inmates? Why? WHy? People are getting so annoying with celebrity I'm moving to Antarctica! I hope he marries you, and you get pregnant and he chucks you into the bay!

Rome. The Pope's on a feeding tube through his nose. I thought this bit was ironic as the Catholic church is pushing the issue on Terry Schiavo's feeding tube being reinserted. Maybe someone should push the government to have his removed. Okay, it's storming out right now, thunder lightning, and I'm not sure if the soles of my shoes are "Wrath of God" retardant.

St. Paul. Tribal leaders of the Wide Earth and Wrong Lake tribes were given compliments on their business savvy and then asked if the state could rape them in the corn chute.
In a plan to gain funds for a new stadium for the Minnesota Twins and Minnesota Vikings, Guv Nah Plenty presented a deal to tribal leaders to fund, open and run casinos in the Twin Cities. The state would then get a large percentage of the profit to spend on sports team needs.
"With the ongoing funds," Plenty stated. "we could build a stadium for the teams every 5 years. Which is about how long it took after we tore down the Met stadium and built the MetroDome for them, then they wanted an outdoor stadium again."
Tribal leaders asked, "If we are fronting all the cash, energy and labor into these casinos, then what is the state putting in?"
Plenty laughed, "Putting in? Like in monetary means? Well, nothing. C'mon, you people should be happy our ancestors didn't wipe you out. I thought maybe too, that the state would subject you to business taxes as well for running a casino outside your little rez."
Just then, one of the cheifs used a hand carved stone and took Plenty's scalp.
"Okay, okay, I'll throw in a hitching post for your horses, how's that?"

Rearmount. The RAG Files sprang into action this afternoon when a telegram came in over the wire, reporting a UFO coming down Hwy 15 at a high rate of speed.

The telegram reads, in its entirety: ALIEN VEHICLE MOVING *STOP* SOUTHBOUND HWY 15 *STOP* HIGH RATE OF SPEED *STOP* "TRUCK-LIKE" OR "TRUCK-SHAPED" VEHICLE *STOP* ALIEN SPOTTED INSIDE REAPEAT ALIEN SPOTTED INSIDE *STOP* CONTACT IMMINENT ETA 8 MIN. *STOP*

(SPECIAL NOTE: The RAG Files feels that telegrams are a more efficient means of communication than telephone, e-mail, carrier pigeon, or instant messaging. Also, telegrams are written in broken sentances and phrases which make an urgent message look that much more urgent! We wish to thank our readers for their understanding, and remind them that these temporary aesthetic changes will not result in any interruption or termination of previously established service levels or response times.)

This reporter immediately grabbed his hat and ran outside to scane the skies for the incoming alien vessel. He wondered what message this extraterrestrial vistor was carrying for the people of planet Earth. Was it to be a peaceful blessing...or the opening shot in an interneccine war which would result in a planet devasted by thermonuclear holocaust? Were human beings destined for a hippie partnership with people like ourselves who could finally show us how to meet all our needs with solar energy and the importance of loving relationships that take into account our humble beginnings and enlighten us to the fact that we are not the only sentient being in the universe? Or would violent, bipedal leezard men come to wipe out most of humankind, leaving behind a small remnant of a once proud species to serve as livestock, surviving by getting fattened up in breeding compounds only to be slaughtered for the KFP's (kentuckey fried people) of our sinister leezard overlords? You know, like on that show V the Final Battle? Come on, people! 1982? Remember Marc Singer, a.k.a. The Beastmaster? He was in it! He was totally in it! Such a shame that guy never got an Oscar...

As these thoughts were quickly entering and then passing through this reporters' head, he remembered that he had forgot to call fellow muckraker and RAG Files founder, Lost Bird to apprise him of the situation. Without another second's delay, this reporter called that reporter on his cellular telephone, and that reporter picked up his cellular telephone and spoke to this reporter, and thus he spake: "Duuuuuuude! Settle dowwwwwn! No. No. No, I'm serious dude. You need to chill." After this reporter began settling, Lost Bird continued, "I'm on Hwy 15 right now guy, but I don't see it. I'm right where they say it is. Just hang on there, just keep your punk ass on the phone. I'm hitting town in less than five minutes. We'll meet up and wait for it. God this is weird! I must be just ahead of it or something. It should be right here but I don't see a damn thing. Oh...Wait a second, wait. Oh, okay. I don't know whats going on dude. I just checked my mirrors and I saw three cars pull off the road. There, somebody just pulled off ahead of me too. What the freakin' A is going on? Everybody is pulling over."

This reporter looked around and noticed a mob forming, and hastily erecting barracades across Mainstreet. Though it was noon, many in the crowd were carrying torches and pitchforks. A chant rose up from the din: "DOWN WITH ALI-EN! DOWN WITH ALI-EN!"

Then, all of a sudden, Lost Bird's truck was seen entering town and the crowd let out a roar. "There it is! There it is!" dozens of voices cried.

"There what is?" this reporter asked to the least brain dead person he could find within a two-mile radius.

"The alien, you dummy, the alien!"

"Where is the alien? I don't see a thing."

"Look, are you blind! He's in that weird, trucky thing! My God it looks just like one of our trucks! What do you think that means?"

At this point, this reporter became very confused, not having witnessed so much collective stupidity on such a grand scale. "Its a truck, you jackass!" this reporter said. "And thats L.B. in there, not an alien!"

"No, no its one of them oofies, you know, or, no, what they call it, oh yeah: an Oooh-fo. Yeah!"

"A U F O?"

"Yeah, thats what I done said!"

It was up to this reporter to explain to the citizenry that UFO stands for unidentified FLYING object, and trucks don't fly. Then, the crowd had to be told that the truck in question was being driven by Lost Bird, an identifiable community member, properly speaking, an Identified Driving Lost Bird or IDLB. Unfortunately, this explanation was not satisfactory.

"You're wrong! Birds fly. They don't drive! Anyways there ain't no suchy thing as an Idlebub or an Idlyb or whatever you done said. Lookee here reporty man, if'n you're messin' with out mind I won't hesitate to smash you like a fig freakin' neuton! Got me? Friggin' fig freakin' pig neuton! Gol damn it!"

As the mob proceeded to bear down on Lost Bird's truck, this reporter was able to pacify them with a few well aimed bursts from a supersoaker filled with a tank of warm un-neutered male cat urine. "Whats going on? What did those morons freak out?" L.B. wanted to know. There were no easy answers.

"Maybe it would be easier if the leezard people came and did us in. At least it would be quicker," this reporter opined. "These rejects can't seem to figure out what they want."

"Yeah," L.B. said, rolling his eyes. "Uh, huh. May-be. You just sit tight there little guy. We're gonna get you all the help you need!"

This last thing this reporter remembers was being offered some strange tasting M&M's and waking up feeling veeeeeeery stoned.

Santa Barbera/Wrong Lake. It's a chain of events that drove news sensationalism to it's pinnacle.
A young Jim Weed, of Wrong Lake Indian Reservation in Minnesota was suffering from Luekemia at the age of 13. He was invited to spend sometime at the Everland Ranch in Santa Barbera, CA. by failing pop star Markum Johnson (formerly of the Johnson 5).
While there, Johnson subjected Weed to internet and magazine pornography and also gave him wine which Johnson called "Jesus Juice", pr. Hey-zoos, in an attempt to molest him. Weed then took him to court in which prosecution's evidence, failed to get a conviction. One sequined black glove that would not fit Johnson.
Johnson is quoted as saying, "I wasn't trying to molest him, I just wanted to suck the life essence from his body. It helps me stay so young."
Weed went back to his home in Wrong Lake, MN and started a hate group of Native American Supremicist. His parents then decided to enroll him in hockey. He didn't take to well to hockey and so he joined in a local figure skating group. He excelled quite well, and was soon on his way to the olympics.
Just before he was to go on in front of the olympic judges, tragedy struck when a rival figure skater came out from the curtain and bludgeoned his knee cap with a lead pipe.
"Why?" he screamed on his way back to Minnesota, "Whyyyyyyy?"
Depression soon set in, and he hired himself out as a house boy for actor Roger Bloke, from former TV cop show "Brendetta". Things were looking up for Weed until Bloke asked him to kill his wife. Weed refused and moved to New York City where he fell in love with pop star/actress Jel-Lo. The two were engaged but then she changed her mind and dumped him.
There to pick up the pieces was popstar Brittany Quears, they were married in Vegas in a sham marraige that ended 42 hours later.
Weed headed home to lick his festering wounds, then decided to go to his high school and shoot everyone there. He killed 9 people and then turned the gun on himself.
One of the "surviving" teachers, was wounded so badly she got brain damage. Her husband, following the orders of her living will, pulled the feeding tube from her. This prompted her family to petition the local government to stop this from happening.
They passed the buck to a federal appeals court as they can't do anything except pass state holidays. The federal court gave this to President Gee Dubya. Dubya tried to get a bill passed to stop the removal of the feeding tube and failed. So he called on his brother Jay Dubya to try and pass some legislation to ban the removal.
"C'mon, bro," Jay Dubya replied, "didn't I do enough with the recount of the election?"
President Dubya got pissed, so he decided to order more bombing of Iraq. The bombing was relentless, the impact caused a giant tsunami that wiped out the Asian coast.
Reporters from the E channel, Fox, CNN, Entertainment tonight sat there like deer in headlights as the chain of events unfolded before them.

Moon Valley. It's spring, as the flies start buzzing and birds chirp, the ground and every oriface on your home vomits out what seems like a swarm of harmless lady bugs. As you frolic in the black cloud you realize that these lady bugs are chewing at your flesh wanting to burrow into your body. They are Japanese beetles.
Brought in from some stupid South Dakota farmer to rid his land of affids, they did rid the affid population but they have become a huge nuisance. Not having the flesh of affids to feast on, they have decided to add human meat to their diet.
They release a pungent odor if you squash them. They don't die on the first swat either. You can bug bomb your apartment, but more seems to come in from thin air.
Moon Valley Sheriff Vlad Gephardt has taken this upon himself to rid southcentral Minnesota of them.
"This is war!" he stated, "the Japs came at us at Pearl Harbor and now they're getting at us from the field! I won't stand for this! I won't!"
Sheriff Gephardt has now opened the county quanset's into concentration camps for all Japanese person's and beetles. He has thrown them in with his "Tweaker" camps. Gas chambers have been pumping anhydrous amonia at a constant since the spring thaw.
If you suspect Japanese beetles to be invading your home, or anyone harboring Japanese Beetles, you are asked to contact Japstoppers hotline.

Bar Hours in the area are from 10am to 1am monday-saturday. 10am-midnite on Sunday at select bars, otherwise closed. Off-sale liquors until 10pm mon-saturday. 3.2 sold daily till midnight.


Ajack Bar and Grill. Located in Brewman. Boasts great burgers and great fun. Burgers suck. Fun? Where? Owner is a "jack"ass. One pool table, one foosball table. Boasts Great entertainment. Once in a great while there is a good band there. Sometimes has Psychic Suzanah, or all-star wrestling matches. Has attached liquor store. Not a very friendly staff.

Orgies Bar and Grill. Located in Faremount inside the Hole-a-day Inn. Named after the owner, Steve Orgerson. Hosts award-winning Lean Mill Pizza. High Prices for drinks. Good Burgers. Lousy service. Where a lot of the rich in town drink. No entertainment.

Outback Bar. Located behind the Raunch restaurant in Faremount. Small, but charming and affordable. Good atmosphere. Hosted one band: Down Tyme. Excellent food. Friendly staff. Definite best time to go: .10 cent night.

Faremount American Lesions. Expensive for a Lesion hall. Very ecclectic entertainment. Good bands and ones that really really suck. Cover charge for most of the good bands. Also hosts weddings. Scary crowd at times, depends on what night you go. Darts, pool, video games, pull tabs.

Shenanagains. Take every dreg from society and put them in one room. Drinks are average priced. Located in downtown Faremount. Most of the patrons are on probation or dead beat parents who leave their youngins at home to fend for themselves. Great pizza, pool tables, darts. Must like the song "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy" played over and over again. Mostly karaoke as entertainment. Bar maid is a bitch. Their bar time is 45 minutes over real time.

The Blatent. Where else can you go, order a drink, a burger, play some pool and buy used guns. At the Blatent, that's where. Located in downtown Faremount. Prices are fair, 2 pool tables, jukebox, shoeshine chairs but don't ask Wally for a shine or you may find out if those used rifles work.

The Chunnel Inn. Located right on the lake. Outdoor dining and dockside service. No entertainment, but the best burgers ever! Bar staff very friendly, the crowd can be obnoxious at times. Cool hand-sensored towel dispenser, way-cool.

Dammi's Bar and Grille/the Dugout. Located on the south end of Faremount. Big sports bar, hosting mostly NASCAR parties. Expensive food and drinks, got to catch them at Drink special nights to save. Friendly bar staff. If you're over 30 you'll feel old around the crowd there.

The State Line. I don't know if this is really considered a bar. It's basically someone's kitchen and they serve 3.2 beer and set-ups. I don't think you can really go there unless you belong to the Klan, a hate group, or you're married to your sister.

Moon Valley VFW. Located in Faremount. Prices are good. They have tried to bring in entertainment once a month but aren't getting a very good response. Brightly lit. Pool, darts, and card games. Yes, you have to ring the buzzer.

The Sir Loin House. Located on the south end of town. Hosts entertainment tuesday through saturday. Where the blue hairs go for dancing, drinks and dinner. Expensive and horrible service. Check your tab closely, as it's almost always overcharged.

Faremount. The local Perky's Family Restaurant. A place where families come to get together, after church, or just to visit with each other. At night, it's a breeding pit interacial coupling.
Lou Pidasso, a regular of the late shift diners, couldn't believe his eyes the other night when some mexican-looking guy comes into 'his' section of Perky's, with his white girlfriend.
"I done can't beleive the nerve of this guy!" Mr. Pidasso stated, "I tole him that he didn't get permission to sit back here, and he comes back at me with 'I don't need your permission to sit back here.' Well, the nerve of some of them nigra's!! Then his little twat of a girlfriend comes in and sits with him! I can't stand that interracial (swear word)! They didn't even have any NASCAR clothing on!"
The interracial couple were even reportedly unscrewing lightbulbs in the restaurant.
Pidasso continued, "I member when Faremount had dem separate sections, cullert peoples in one place, an' regular folks in another. Man, the good ole days! When a guy could take a crap in town anywhere he wanted!"
Lou Pidasso and his clan left abruptly after the confrontation. All fearing what the "takin' all our women" bastard would do.
Lou finished his statement, "Cullerts use tah be real docile and din't give us no troubles, but now look at im, (swear word) ignant sons-a-(swear word) all high and (swear word) mighty!"

Iraq. Several service men accused in the murder of Iraqi and Afgahn prisoner's of war have been found "Not Guilty" by a Court Martial trial.
Supposedly, the reason for the acquittal was ignorance. The military states that the service men accused in this case did not realize the force they used on these prisoners was illegal. For instance, our service men did not realize it was not "okay" to shove an Iraqi officers head into a sleeping and suffocate him to death. Or, to bash in a prisoner's head with the butt of an assault rifle.
"The Geneva Convention is real vague when it comes to interrogation of prisoners." stated a spokesman for the White House, "Our boys were just 'wingin' it. Can't blame them for that, if anything, we should commend them for being creative."
All of this comes in the wake of the humiliating photos from Ahbu Graiv prison, where military personell posed with naked prisoners in humiliating photos.
Donald Bumsfield was reported as commenting, "Whoops!"
As a result of this case, new guidelines have been written to give our service men a clearer picture to interrogation techniques.

1. It's not okay to pummel prisoner for an answer.
2. It's not okay to suffocate prisoner to acheive results.
3. It's not okay to strip your prisoners and have them pose in a naked flesh pile for internet use.
4. It's not okay to murder your prisoner.
5. You are not in the movie Goodfella's.
6. You are not Joe Pesci from "Casino" so quit digging holes in the Iraqi desert.

The R.A.G. Files supports our troops. They do not support the wild commando-style tactics or the mistreatment of P.O.W.'s. If Washington wants us to stand behind them in this "war" then let's keep our men and women accountable. Look at what Viet Nam did to our boys who performed atrocities over there. Let's get this done, and get them back home.

Rearmount. According an angry, stunned Rev. Hate of the Jesus Loves Us But Hates You evangelical free church, Jesus told him in a dream that he will not come back to Earth to deliver the "saved" to heaven. The R.A.G. Files interviewed Hate at the Happy Happy Sunshine Acres Home For Worn Out Bad People.

When asked why, Re. Hated replied, "I just don't understand. We are His chosen people. We're already saved. I don't know why he would leave us."

Jesus H. Christ, Lord and savior to literally billions of people on planet Earth responded to questions about the Second Coming via d-mail (divine mail). "You know my son, I'm in a really tough spot," he said to me. "I love everybody but they have no love for themselves or each other. They kill people in my name! It breaks my heart to think of it. There is no way I can come back to Earth and save a single one of you. In fact, its all I can do to keep my old man from wiping you out entirely--you KNOW how he gets when you piss him off! As it is, the people who invoke my name the most are the ones who are least qualified, the least entitled to do so. My biggest wish is that there were no Christians at all, if all they're going to step on my back in order take more power for themselves and bolster their own false sense of superiority... I know its a long shot but maybe by not coming back, you will all learn to get along with each other. Maybe if you don't have me to turn to every time you lose your car keys or need a raise at work, you'll figure out eventually what is really important, and what isn't. Maybe if you have no apocalypse to morbidly pine for, you'll stop being obsessed with death and genocide. Oceans of blood were never meant to be eagerly looked forward to, not even by those who thought they avoided it. As it is now, my so-called chosen people the "saved" think nothing of belittling others with their sense of entitlement. They think as soon as they got saved their work was over. By not coming back, I'm sending the message that being "saved" was not an excuse for wickedness, that it never was. Their work is now just beginning. Only the ones who do not know my name will be saved, and I will save no one."

This reporter did not even try to asked Christ to elaborate. The words ended.

Bimount. Standing on the street corner of Bimount, population 325, watching the tumble weeds dance their way across 1st street, one notices the EuroTechnic thumping bass emanating from what once was the local hardware store.
The Doominarius night club opens it's doors to the locals. Boasting a rivalry with most Twin City clubs. With music that one would not normally hear coming from the average car stereo in this area.
"We're bringing in groups from Denmark, Germany and all over Europe." stated club promoter Hugh Jass, "It'll be like an all night Rave party."
Jass was responsible for bringing in the popular 80's hair band "Asia" to Bimount, and has now concentrated his energy on bringing in the techno European sound to what calls the "uncultured" minds of Moon Valley County.
On opening night, the Doominarius club brought in 3 European bands, a total of 75 people came in throughout the night. Paying $3,000 plus airfare for the bands, he barely made enough to pay for his groceries.
"Dis place ist like a Nazi concentration kampf." stated the lead singer of The Electric Day-Glo Leederhosen, "I would get more action from mien pet munkee."
Mr. Jass rebutted with, "Hey, 75 people is great considering there's only about 75 kids in Bimount."
Hugh has tweaked a few things to bring in more money to his venture like cutting out the bands and bringing in DJ's from Europe and Jamaica. "D.J.'s are much cheaper," Jass said. "And they don't eat as much."
He has also thought about having Polka night, which is an idea he received from petitions signed by the local residents of Bimount.

Prior Lake. The future of the Easter celebration stands in the balance as a child is traumatized by the brutal death of the Easter Bunny.
It was an Easter like any other. The Bootlicker family spent the morning at church, they'd come home to change, and daddy Bootlicker would go inside first to try and catch the Easter Bunny before he hid his son's (Brett Jr.) Easter eggs. Every year proved fruitless until last year when daddy Bootlicker came out to the car holding the one, the only Easter bunny. A floppy-eared albino rabbit with a pink bow around his neck. Unfortunately all the eggs were hidden as Mr. Bootlicker didn't reach the Easter Bunny in time.
This year on Easter, tragedy struck. Coming home from church, the Bootlicker came home to what obviously was a struggle that ended in the demise of the Easter Bunny.
The Easter bunny laid breathing rapidly on the front steps of the Bootlicker household with his throat ripped out.
Brett Jr. sobbed, "This is it, daddy, Easter will never come again!"
The Easter bunny's last words before expiring were, "I was...hi..hiding the eggs, like Brett was all...always (coff coff) used to, then....something...something came at me from behind....it looked like....rrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!"
Services for the Easter Bunny were held on Tuesday.

Washington. Angry that nobody will listen to him, President Gee Dubya will be signing a bill effective immediately that will require all American Citizens to have a feeding tube installed into their bodies.
This bill comes as a result of the Shiavo case, in which Terry Shiavo had legally signed wishes to be removed from a feeding tube in the event that she became in a vegatative state. Well, it happened and her husband has tried to carry out her wishes. Her family has been fighting this decision since. They have the Vatican on their side, who in turn gave it to the Senate to rule against, who in turn passed the buck to President Dubya, who failed at getting his order to insert the feeding tube back in her to pass.
"I won't stand for this!" President Dubya growled, "I'm the (swear word) president of the U.S.! If'n I tell em to hook 'er back up, then they (swear word) well better hook her up!"
The family of Mrs. Shiavo took there case to a Federal Judge who denied the feeding tube to be inserted back into her, they are now with the Supreme Court trying to get this through.
Gee Dubya decided that he will institute a law that he will attach to his new National I.D. bill, that will state everyone in the United States will have a feeding tube inserted into their bodies. Any person or persons without a feeding tube will not be allowed to vote, buy goods or services, or travel outside the U.S.
"This bill will also help weed out the terrorists in our country as well." Dubya stated, "Muslim's don't beleive in feeding tubes, so if I done catch one without a tube, we'll string 'em up!"
Mexican officials are preparing for a giant insurgence of U.S. immigrants on the border's.

Shakopee. Everyone has their own personal demons, and if they tell you they don't, then they're liars and should be punched in the face, beaten with a bar stool, kicked in the head twice, thrown down a flight of stairs, kicked again and then spit on.
At any point, it was quite a few years back, I had come out of a bad relationship in Omaha, NE. I moved back to Minnesota to get my head straight. So I hook up with this old friend of mine who also plays guitar. He tells me he's a "born again" christian. I'm thinking, "Cool, religion is something I need right now." So we jam out to some of the old tunes we used to do before he was converted. Then he suggests some bible study, I'm thinking that would be okay, too. What could that hurt?
Well, a few weeks later, he asks me if I want to play some guitar with his pastor. I'm thinking, "A pastor who rocks out on guitar? Cool." So one Thursday night we go to my friends church. It's actually an old house that has been gutted and converted into a church. Symbolizing maybe a person being gutted and converted into a christian? Hmmmm, I smell metaphor.
At any rate, I notice the pastor has no guitar and there are several other people there just hanging out in a group, giving me a stare every once in awhile. A guy doesn't have to be a "talent" to know something wasn't kosher.
The Pastor sits me in a plastic chair across from him. Our knees touching. I'm looking at my "friend" asking what this was all about.
The Pastor asks me a few questions about the type of music I listen to, the lifestyle I was living, and then proceeds to tell me that he beleives I'm possessed by demons. I tell him he's crazy and stand up to leave, the group of people there at the church close in a circle around us, my friend just standing there by me. I'm ready to fill the proverbial pants by now.
I sit down figuring I'll just go through the motions and leave when they're satisfied that I'm not possessed. The group calms down and sits, "praying" or "chanting" something that wasn't comprehensive, the pastor was asking me what my name was over and over again. Then, I felt like I was being removed from my body and I blacked out.
When I came to, I was lying on my side with puke all over me and my stomach felt like someone had kicked me several times there.
Well, I got up and left, walked about 8 miles towards my apartment until someone stopped and gave me a ride the rest of the way.
Never went there again, and took me awhile to walk into another church again.
I must be a "demon" magnet, because my ex-wife says my new girlfriend is possessed by demons, I'm possessed by demons, and my ex-in-laws keep sending me bible verses in the mail. I even got a copy of "Passion of the Christ" from them, I sent it back to them and they sent it back to me.
I don't have anything against Christianity, or any religion for that matter, I just don't beleive it should be shoved down our throats.

Faremount. Sheriff Gephardt has beefed up his security at the Moon Valley County Jail due to security concerns of recent court house attacks in bigger counties.
"We are constantly changing things around here to improve security for the jail and courthouse." Gephardt stated, "I'm not exactly sure what we're doing, but my Jail Administrator assures me that it's getting done."
The R.A.G. Files staff caught up with Jail Adminstrator Sparky Gerdles. When asked, he froze up like a deer in headlights and pissed himself.
Assistant Jail Adminstrator, Tonya Skowl, was found in the Sheriff's office under his desk and she gave comments on the new procedures.
"Well, nothing's really that new." she started, wiping her mouth, "We've just improved on what we already have in place. The key here is inconsistency. We sometimes allow inmates into the jail without a proper pat search or strip search, and sometimes we really clean out their corn shutes! Depends on who's working. Yeh, every once in awhile we get a knife or two in here, or someone sneeks a joint in here, but with some creative report writing, everything looks good when it comes to D.O.C. inspections.
"We've also stopped our jail staff from fraternizing with each other. There's just no safety in that. Getting romantically involved with your co-workers just doesn't make for a safe jail."
Just then, her husband, Haystack Skowl, a jailer who works under her, came up to her with a bucket of chicken.
"Thanks, honey," she replied kissing him on the cheek, "now go pick up my son at daycare and have supper ready for me at home."
Just then, Sheriff Gephardt called out to her from his office, "Uh, Tonya, the blue pill kicked in, how 'bout that 'oral' interview now?"

CEYPHILLUS - A local gym teacher accused of molesting young teens and bunny rabbits was emasculated when he allegedly waggled his twig and berries at a cougar in a Farten County park last weekend.Twenty-five year veteran of Farten County Rural School District Dunce Pooten - who was on a year long "personal tour of duty"- was taking a hike through the Blight Lake park area, located about eight miles northeast of Ceyphillus. Pooten was reportedly looking for bunny rabbits to squeeze and collect the feces into Mason jars to add to his collection, when he came across the "Blight Lake Cougar."While there had been many reports of cougar sightings in recent years, many people chose to believe that it was only a legend. Ironically, the many tales of Pooten wagging his twig and berries at the children in the locker rooms was written off as legend by other teachers and administrators.Pooten, who had never met anyone or anything he couldn't intimidate by wagging his genitals at it, reportedly whipped down his pants zipper and flashed the growling cat his goods.Farten County Sabbatical learned that attending physicians spent several hours attempting to reattatch Pooten's genitals - which reportedly resembed a bloody piece of Salisbury Steak by the time the cougar was done. The surgeries were unsuccessful, and Pooten's detatched genitals have since been confiscated as evidence."That cat played with his bits and pieces like it was a string and ball of yarn, I'll tell ya what," one Ceyphillus Ambulance rescue worker said.The Farten County Sabbatical reporter who originally broke the cougar and Pooten molestation stories took the news in a typical boastful fashion."They called me a yellow journalist when these stories were published!" she was overheard hollering from her favorite barstool in the local grub and pub. "Well, who's peeing themselves now? Ha ha-ha-ha! Ho Hah! Oh crap, I think I'm going to..." She then passed out face first in her basket of cheese sticks after one too many MaiTais.
(for more on the plight of Farten County check out fartencountysabbatical.blogspot.com thanks to get a grip and old kentucky shark)

Redby. In this incident, the R.A.G. Files cannot poke fun at anyone. Only contemplate what could have been done to prevent it.
Jeff Weise, a sophomore at Red Lake Indian Reservation High School, shot his grandfather, his grandfather's wife, a security guard, a teacher and students. Killing 9 and wounding several others and then killing himself, on Monday March 21st, 2005.
Jeff Weise, was a loner. His father commited suicide and his mother is in a nursing home in Minneapolis from a serious brain injury. He was being cared for by his grandfather and his wife. He prescribed to National Socialist views, visiting and posting his ideals on a neo-nazi website. A Native American who beleived in racial purity. He was teased quite a bit in school, for his ideals and more than likely his personality was like everyone elses after going through what he went through.
Where were the concerned family members? Where were the concerned teachers? Why didn't anyone try and help him? When I was in school, my mother taught me to always help out the "underdog". And I did. Why do we ignore potential problems? We can blame Marilyn Manson, they blamed Ozzy in my day, we can blame video games, we can blame television. But I grew up on Popeye, who spent the majority of the time kicking Bluto's a$$. We are all to blame. We've become a society where we tell ourselves, "It's not our problem."
Take the kidnapping case in Mendota Heights. Where an estranged and deranged ex-boyfriend made his way onto his ex-girlfriend's school bus and slapped the crap out of her and then left with her kicking and screaming. He had no weapon. The bus was full of teenaged kids and one adult bus driver. And no one, did anything.
It's this writer's opinion, that if you teach your children unity, love, and acceptance, they'll spread that throughout their lives.

Faremount. An unidentified waitress at Shenanagain's bar quietly cleaned the tables after closing when to her dismay, she picks up two empty packs of Basic Light cigarettes. There enscribed on the packages, written in blue ink, were lines of poetry.
The packages were bagged up by the Faremount Police Department for evidence. The waitress was treated for shock and is now in therapy with Dr. Sweetass.
In a statement given by Faremount police chief Kent Booyah, "We do not have any leads yet as to who wrote the poetry, the B.C.A. has been called to do some fingerpr..."
Just then Sheriff Gephardt knocked over the chief and took the mic, "This is now a Moon Valley county issue, I have decided it best as this kind of incident could spread countywide. I will not stand for any sort of drug culture hippie drivel in this county. I won't have it! I won't I tell you!"
The owner of Shenanagain's stated that he wasn't sure how this would affect his business. "Most of my patrons have the I.Q. of a bowling ball, I can't afford this kind of loss if culture seeking individuals come in. Hell, I'll have to change the music selection on the Jute-box from country to rock n roll with some intellect."
Coincidentally, any songs from The Doors, Pink Floyd, Metallica, or Nirvana have been banned from Shenanagain's due to their thought provoking lyrics. The sign above their door states, "No thinking, only drinking".

Washington. President Gee Dubya has moved in and taken over private matters again. Case in point, the Schiavo case. Despite the fact that Mrs. Schiavo has written on a legally binding document to be taken off life support in the case that she may be in a vegatative state, the federal government feels that it should step in and decide for her.
The case made national attention when her parents interfered and tried to stop her husband from carrying out her wishes. The Catholic church then interfered and petitioned the government. And it has reached all the way to the White House, where Gee Dubya has signed a bill to take this right away.
"Well," stated President Gee Dubya, "let's face it, the U.S. public just ain't smart enough to make their own decisions. That's why we're tryin' to stop people from drinkin alcohol, smokin cigarettes, having premarital sex, and spankin their children. It's not up to them, it's up to me! That's why I'm president! Cause I make the decisions. You people don't know whats good fer ya!"
The President is also trying to get a bill passed through the Senate that will enforce U.S. citizens to call a special hotline number in order to go to the bathroom. "The number will take you directly to the Oval office. This measure will also tell me if terrorists are using American bathrooms. I won't stand for that!"

This is a list of personals of people that are "available" in Moon Valley County:

SWF. 20. Smoker. Heavy Drinker. Heavy. Mother of 4. Looking for a good man that's old enough to buy beer for me and my two oldest ones. Also, good father figure, or can at least impregnate me so I can collect more welfare. Contact me at Johnson Street Townhomes.

MWM. 50. Smoker. Heavy Drinker. Thin. Married father of two teenage girls. Looking for a 20 something playtoy. I don't care if you have a boyfriend or a husband, I just need a little extra on the side. Hell, you can even be a guy, I just need some. I have handcuffs, a fishing boat and a strict Catholic. My "friends" won't let me sleep with their girlfriends! Contact me at the Moon Valley Jail office or the Chum of Lakes Key Club office. ask for "Bombess".

MWM. 40 something, smoker. Have a bad a$$ hog to give you a ride around in. I'm not good at confrontations. Looking for someone to tickle, have lunch with, and boss me around. Must like handle bar musatches and bad dental hygene. Yes, I am a bit effeminate, but I look tough, unless you shine a bright light in my eyes. Contact me at the Moon Valley Jail Office, Swee City Fire Department, Swee City Ambulance, or under Sheriff Gephardt's desk.

MWF. 29, smoker. Sings in a local rock band. Looking for someone to sing with and let me drool over. Must be able to hide from my husband who is a cop and a damn good shot with the pistola's. I have a nasally voice and must be the center of attention. I'm still stuck in the 80's. Contact me either at one of my gigs(when my husbands not there), or at one of the houses I clean. ask for "The Diva".

St. Paul. Guv nah Plenty ads more useless bills to his resume, this time snubbing Canada and raping Minnesota seniors.
Since the ban on Canadian prescription drugs for seniors, Guv nah Plenty has been working on reforming the cost and access to cheaper medication for Minnesota seniors. So the Guv nah has implemented a bill to allow the buying of prescription medication from the UK.
When asked how this benifits our seniors, the Guv nah said, "Well, it doesn't really benifit the seniors. It's just sounds like I'm doing something to help. You see, if they bought from Canada, well yeah it'd be cheaper, but if they bought from Britian, well just think how much that's got to be in shipping charges. Plus, everything is more expensive over there for those limeys!!"
It's also been asked of Washington to regulate and lower the price of prescription drugs here in America to keep commerce here. President Dubya said, "Whut? Why try and match prices in Canada? Hell, don't you realise what the revolutionary war was all about? We was thirteen colonies and they tried an make us drink their tea and we said nope and dumped it in the ocean."
Guv Nah Plenty was asked why would he snub our friendly neighbor's to the north. He replied, "Whut are they going to do about it? Go to war with us? Hell, they still ride horses for God's sakes!!"

Faremount. The New Math cirriculim is being pioneered by the local elementary school. The school board felt that it's students weren't walking around in mass confusion enough so to bring those numbers up, they've instituted the new math.
The program consists of solving multiplication problems using not one, not two, but three different ways. The first formula consists of the "old school" way, the second is called the partial problem method breaking down the numbers and multiplying them separately, and the third is using the lattice method which uses a box broken down into several parts to multiply and then add the results.
"The children seem to be taking to this 'New Math' well." stated Mrs. Eekann, a Fine Lakes Elementary third grade teacher. "Already their self-esteem seems to be falling as well as their attention span. Also, this stops the children's parents from helping them complete their homework correctly. It's funny to watch their faces when they're frusterated. Just the other day I used the 'New Spelling' on one of my students. She spelled cereal, c-e-r-e-i-l, I turned around and corrected it by spelling it c-e-r-e-i-n. (laughs and snorts) Oh God you shoulda been there."
One child, ran from her classroom clamping her head screaming, "My brain hurts!!!!!"
The program was started a while back. First by extending kindergarten to a full 7 hours, then by requiring parents to buy unneeded school supplies, then by requiring students to carry twice their body weight in books, and starting them on homework by second grade. Now with the "New Math", generating low self esteem, stress and depression amongst the school children, the school system believes they can then mold the children in their own image by Middle School.
"We're nippin' this in the bud!" stated school board member Ronnie Cleaver.

Alaska. As the Arora Borealis twinkles amongst the snowy landscape of the Alaskan Wildlife refuge, and you pull up to the pump to fill your tank with gas at $3.01 a gallon, let us thank President Gee Dubya.
The ongoing battle to preserve the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge was lost after a 20 year war. President Gee Dubya has convinced congress to drill for oil in this refuge.
The pressure of climbing record breaking oil prices has "scared" the political arena into agreeing to this action.
OPEC spokesman has stated, "It is not the quantity of crude oil, it's that there aren't enough refineries to produce the oil. I have nothing more to say, now excuse me I must go to the bank you stupid capitalist pigs and cash in on the blood of your soldiers."
President Gee Dubya stated, "Uh, well, I done told you we done needed refineries. 'Sides, them Eskimo folk'll need jobs, they can't just club seals and build igloos all day."
So with the building of this new drilling rig, America will no longer have to depend on foriegn oil, and we can buy gas at .50 cents a gallon.
Are you holding your breath?

March, 2005

Failure to keep ditch clear:

Southrop. Marti Purplepot, age 89 was cited and fined for failing to keep his ditch clean outside his rural residence. At court, Purplepot plead not guilty by reason of being too damn old and had fine waived in lieu of 30 days hard labor.

Brewman. Sam Jorkins, age 45, cited for not removing overturned vehicle from ditch outside his rural property.

Quadramont. Mufukti Fukyu cited for having a rowdy ditch party without first obtaining a permit and for having a funny African name that sounds like a swearword.

Filing a false report with a peace officer.

Brewman. Wordrick Vindal reported to Brewman police that someone dented his rusty mailbox, but that it wasn't a big deal. Upon further inspection, the officer determined that it was a big deal because he was bored and there was nothing to do. The suspect was cited, released and encouraged to please make a bigger deal out of stuff so that bored officers might have something to do.

Snubbing In A No-Snubbing Zone

Rearmount. The entire Sherrif's Department of Martina County was cited for snubbing former officers Lost Bird and S. Spinner in a No-Snubbing Zone of the city. Snubbing that is deserved may take place in any area of the city, even No-Snubbing Zones but undeserved snubbing may only take place in a Fat and Stupid Zone. The sherrif responded by pointing out that the department was in a Fat and Stupid Zone wherever it went, because it was always fat or stupid and therefore immune to charges of snubbery or grand snubbery. Judge Buster D. Hyman dropped charges in exchange for a leather thong furnished by the sherrif.

Quadramont. A drive-by snubbing occured at slow-speed. The snubbers fled the scene and were not identified. Victims Myrtle A. Portnshort and Burtleby Froppintop issued several "humph!"s and "well, I never!"s and "The nerve!" before the suspects, possibly former friends who used to go quilting keeled over with shame, several miles down Co. Rd. 314.

Weapons Violation

Bimont. An off-duty police officer accidentally discharged his weapon into his numb-numb, causing severe pain and embarrassment. The officer claimed to have been cleaning his weapon at the time...with his numb-numb, when the weapon became tired of being abused in such an outrageous manner. Charged filed.

Noise Complaint

Rearmount. A country and western music band, the Skanky Dreemers was cited for causing pain and anguish to geriatric patrons of the Fiddlesticks Club for their valium inspired church organ keyboard work, absentee drumming, and vomit inducing vocals. The lead singer was cited for causing a riot when several drunk patrons became too horny to control themselves after seeing the faded butterfly tatoo that spanned four distinct blubber rolls on the lead singer's skankily exposed abdomen. Describing the tatoo, one patron said, "purtee lill' thing look like it was flying. I couldn't keep my hands down. Ahhhh-yaaaa-yaa!" He then emitted too much drool to be understood.

Brewman. Unearthly, violent gagging and heaving was heard for several miles but it was only a familiar bendy boxer yaking up the bacterial ridden, diseased remains of a road kill carcass.

Bimont. A truck hurtling down Hwy 15 at 65 mph overturned, causing a spill of one ton of animal feed. It was loud as all get out.

Suspicious Activity

Quadramont. Several crank heads were 86'ed from Perky's Restaurant for eating all of the cigarette butts in the ashtrays while picking bleeding sores and ulcers, prompting management to amend the following rule "no shirt, no shoes, no service" to "no shirt, no shoes, no skin, no teeth, no service"

Rearmount. Judge Hyman found naked on the front lawn of his home taking hits off his medically unneccessary oxygen tank while giggling and adorning his body with painful scarifications.

Bimont. A group of people was seen in a group, after dark.

Rearmount. Several fisherman were observed on Ball Lake, using female pleasure devices as bait. A fish warden ascertained that the men were unaware that the Mast-R-Bait bait and fishing supply store had closed and re-opened as the Mast-UR-Bate sex supply store. Although the female pleasure devices were the most expensive and useless "fishin' bait" the men had ever used, the glow-in-the dark condoms worked wonders for catching walleye after dark, and the men reported that their wives had never been happier.

Rearmount. Town icon, fishing bait and supply store Mast-R-Bait recently went out of business, due to falling sales and deceased fishing catches on area lakes. "We was goin' right under," said the redneck owners. Declaring an emergency and not wanting to witness the demise of a ramshackle little hut whose peeling paint and faded, vaguely lascivious and poorly conceived name has been a fond eyesore to the community for over a quarter century (25 years), several community groups and rotary clubs have stepped in with a solution that they believe will benefit all.

After several months of rennovations, the dilapidated Mast-R-Bait was rebuilt at the same location into the vital, new Mast-UR-BATE, a store that caters to carnal needs that many believe with strengthen the overall vitality of Rearmount, and possibly indirectly contribute to increasing the town's population after decades of slow decline.

However, the changes are not without controversy. The first signs of trouble emerged when some old, decrepit fisherman who still think Nixon is the president of the United States entered the newly rennovated store, walked past 100 feet of nudie mags and edible handcuffs only to end up purchasing pleasure devices intended for women that they were sure HAD to be some new kind of tackle. "Yah," said one, "it wasn't a problem 'till we got 'er in the water. Nuthin' come up for hours." The fishermen did admit to catching several walleye with the glow-in-the-dark condoms they purchased. After some consternation trying to return the items, management eventually offered a partial refund. "We aren't used to people being this ignornant," the store manager said, "but hey, this is Rearmount so we'll have to give it some time, maybe include pamphlets and instructions with each item."

In addtion to fishing tackle confusion, the store is also running into problems with the town's predominantly anti-sex Christians. Reverend Hate, of the Christ Loves Us But Hates You Evangelical Church, "Its bad enough our kids have to be brainwashed to love their neighbors with Spongebob and Tinky Wanky and all the other Santanic atheistic homosexual cartoons, now that have to see people out on the lake, fishing with condoms! What kind of message is that, huh? Do we really want to send our kids the message that fishing is safe? You never know when a boat could overturn! Just because its their 'first time' doesn't mean it couldn't be their last! This is an abomination! God hates condoms! God hates queers! God hates fish! If they want to 'catch' something, why the hell shouldn't it be Jesus H. Christ, goddamn it!"

The Reverend was reminded that Jesus famously gave out loaves and fishes, that Catholics eat fish on Fridays during the season of lent and that the fish is a Christian symbol.

"I don't care, thats not the point, you idiot!" said Reverend Hate. "Eating fishes is fine, its fishing thats evil because fishing is fun, and anything fun is sex and sex is evil and sex smells bad, like fishes. Don't you get it! Fun, fun, its too damn much fun! Its an orgy! Its a damnable orgy, orgy! Look what you done to me with all these evil questions, now I can't stop shouting 'orgy!' Ahhh! Orgy! Orgy! Yeah!Go buy your fishes in a store, already breaded lest you be defiled like Mosses' son who saw Mosses drunk and naked. If you see a naked fish, that means you're going to H-E-double-f***ing-hockey-sticks!!! Just like Mosses. Get it? Orgy!! If you go fishing, you can only catch a naked f***ing fish because the natural state of fishes is like the natural state of man, which is fun and evil!! Orgy!"

Just as this reporter was about to ask Reverend Hate for his opinion of the newly reopened Mast-UR-Bate store, the Reverend's vein became to protrude from his forehead and he keeled over from a severe brain aneuryism, only to be revived days later to discover that something even worse than the catching and procurment of naked fishes was happening in Rearmount. Sadly, the reverend became paralyzed with hate after writing several dozen letters banishing the souls of every memember of every rotissery group and rotary club that supported the shop, to H-E-double-f***ing-hockey-sticks. He was carted away to be warehoused in a home for worn out bad people for the remainder of his bile and sputum filled days.

To date, Mast-UR-Bate continues to turn a profit, selling out of all its stock despite the complete cessation of all sex education from Rearmont to the Canadian Border due to Bush's Total Ignorance Birds and the...What? Oh, Yeah the Stork Done Brought Us policy.

Faremount. What do you do when you have the hottest babe in the world as your fiancee, two beautiful little girls, and a chance to be happy for the rest of your life? Why you piss it all away on meth and booze.
Travis Basterd, currently of Mankato, gave his testimony at the D.B.D. (Dead Beat Dad) Association of Greater Minnesota's annual banquet. His former fiancee, a beautiful, smart woman with legs up to her neck, had tried several times to make it work with him. "Meth is a much better mistress." Mr. Basterd stated in his testimony, "afterall, I need to think about my needs."
Travis has two beautiful kids with his former fiancee. But, because of the cost of meth and the rising cost of booze, he can't afford to pay child support. Also, he said he felt it better he didn't call his kids as he was busy "jonesing" for his next fix. "Hey, I tried to get back together with her after my last stint in the joint, but she didn't want anything to do with me, so why should I even try to see the kids anymore?" he stated. He then went back to prison for using meth while on parole and he was getting high during his weekend visits with his daughters.
Now, out of prison again, after completing a court-ordered treatment program, Travis hits the streets again. No job, no calls to his kids, no car. Travis has been spotted in some of the local bars taking down several pitchers of beer.
Travis finished his testimony by saying, "The number one thing to be a dead beat is this, don't bother yourself with your childrens needs, remember to always make sure you have enough money to drink or smoke, and don't let your parole officer bust ya."
It was reported that Travis was beaten senseless by some mexican-looking fellah with large freakish sideburns in an alleyway.

Conneticut. Poor Martha Stewart. She's stuck chatting online with her loyal fans as she continues house arrest til August of this year. The poor dear claims the plastic ankle bracelet is chaffing her ankle. Her assets have also doubled since she's been out, hmmm, more money for her to cheat on Wall Street. My heart bleeds purple piss for you, Martha.

Manhattan. Rosario Dawson is dismissed of charges of obstructing justice and disorderly conduct during a film shoot at the GOP convention in Madison square garden. Why? Why did this make the freakin news? I got caught pissing in a cornfield in Belle Plain and was charged with disorderly conduct. The Judge dropped the charges on me, did I get a spot in the paper? Hell, I didn't even get a blurb on the Court Files in the local paper.

Hollywood. A favorite in the "American Idol" drops out of the running shocking fans of the show and getting them buzzing. Mario Vasquez states that his reasons are personal and he's asked the judges to keep his reasons hush hush. When are these contestants going to realize that they are going to lose their fame as soon as they're off the show? And who cares if they guy wants to throw away his chance or why?

Santa Barbera. Michael Jackson's accuser is off the witness stand. Defense attourney's have tried their darndest to make him sound unreliable by saying that he denied the allegations when asked in school about it. Let's see, this kid had cancer, was held captive and exploited by a freak that looks like a walking skeleton, and was teased consistantly by spoiled rich kids in school, what would you do?

Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob is taking it in the oriface from the conservative right. They are now saying that he's gay and forcing our young children to be gay in a new video where the loveable absorbant yellow fellah is singing "We Are Family" with other fellow cartoons that's being distributed to schools. The video, aimed at teaching children unity among each other, is apparently offensive. The "christian" community said that it's not okay to be gay and we don't need that gay bastard teaching our kids that gay is okay. They're right, especially from a "christian" stand point, why should we be teaching our kids to love one another dispite our differences. Ignorance is bliss, so sayeth the Lord.

Rome. The Vatican is sending out their "Big Gun" to put the kybosh on the bestselling book "The DaVinci Code". The book, written by Dan Brown, uses the myth that Jesus married Mary Magdelene and had children. The Vatican beleives this story puts a bad stint on the Church. Folks, it's fiction. You don't see people in Maine going after Stephen King for writing about them, or the mafia going after Mario Puzio. It's a story, if the public beleives the story although it's clearly written that it's a work of fiction (hence: Novel), then they are nuerotic freaks! If you really want to put the kybosh on something giving the Church a bad name, then do something like giving priests the right to marry. May be more of them then, may be less sexual assualt cases as well. But hey, that's just the R.A.G.'s opinion.

Faremount. Just beyond the edge of the courthouse steps a wall is being erected. No, there aren't anymore "injun troubles", it's immigration. And Faremount will be the first to take the steps neccessary to make sure they don't get in.
The plans started from an editorial printed in Tuesday's Centinial written by militia founder Roger Westrum of Fat Albert Lee, MN. After reading this editorial, Sheriff Vlad Gephardt decided it was time to take action. "It's up to me to protect this community! I am the Sheriff, I am the ultimate power!" and then he ran to the top of the courthouse bell tower and started to smear mud on his face howling like a coyote.
Westrum's editorial stated that as Americans we should restrict the amount of immigrants coming into our country. Because "they" are the root of all societies problems from crime rate, terrorism, to child molestation. If that is the case, then the American public should take out the priests and restrict the Vatican from sending more here. Supporters of this line of thinking beleive that Faremount's crime rate has climbed since it's allowed people of color into it's city limits. Despite the fact that statiscally, the population of the Moon Valley Jail is primarily white.
"The melting pot is reaching meltdown." stated Westrum in his editorial causing panic amongst the residents of Moon Valley County.
The Moon Valley Court house is the old site of Fort Fare Mount, and it's past is being resurrected again. The fort will consist of ten turrets with high powered rifles and automatic weapons. There will be a gulag in the center of town to house the counties immigrated, equipt with "showers".
"If they talk different, look different, or eat different, they'll be burned." Sheriff Gephardt announced from atop the courthouse.
United States immigration does have a policy that if someone is captured for a crime that is under a felony, and they are illegally in this country, they will not deport them.

Henhassen Township. In the small township hall for Henhassen Township in a small quiant village of Wilbur, another half-breed tried to pull one over on voting staff.
"Yeh,"states Henhassen member Mick Teethy, "this kid that moved here from the Cities tries comin' in here like he owns the place and tried to sign in. But thanks to Deb Bohner, who worked with this guys ex-wife tole us the truth about him. He din't live on the farm in our township anymore, he was renting in town with the rest of them meth heads in town! So me and the boys took him aside an tole him to git out!"
Said suspect then got in their faces stating that he paid his taxes and mortgage on that house his ex-wife was living in, so he should be able to vote here. The farmers all gathered around the half-breed and hauled him out back and "educated" him on the terms of voting in Henhassen Township.
"Them people need to learn." another spokesman said, "He can't just come in here, marry our white women, divorce em and then think we're gonna stand for him votin' here! Next thing you know, he's gonna wanna ride on the front of the bus, fer Christ's sake!"

St. Paul. Another senseless bill is passed through Minnesota's legislature. Disguised again as helpful to the well-being and constitution of its citizens.
The new law states that people turning 21 cannot drink until 8am on their birthdays. This is an attempt to stop kids from binge drinking at 12 midnight. "We'd much rather see kids binge drinking in the mornings. This gives them time to have some breakfast and coat their young stomachs with bacon and eggs first and then they can take down all the booze they want." stated Guv nah Plenty.
General Ills, a Minnesota-based company that manufactures breakfast cereal, will be changing the format of their ad campaigns and begin making cereal that goes good with beer or rum. "Let's face it," stated PR for General Ills, "cereal just doesn't go well with wine or ol number 7." The company will also be putting prizes in their new cereals like bottle openers, cd's with title's from the "Irish Rovers" like "Great Celtic Pub Crawling Ditty's". Look for cereals like "Lucky Chuck's" "Corn Mash Flakes" "Toasted Oats" and "Great Nut's" to be hitting your grocer's shelves soon.

Faremount. As people from the surrounding area lined up for gasolene, the priced changed from $1.87 to $1.98 per gallon.
People got out of their cars and jumped on their hoods for joy. Most people you'd think would be quite upset, especially since most in the area own gas hogging S.U.V.'s or pick up trucks. But one celebrant commented, "Hey, thanks to Gee Doub-ya, we're helpin' out the economy! Woo-hoo!"
One of the few protesters, a young man who was filling his diesel pickup truck, fumed, "I bought a diesel because it was cheaper than regular gasolene! Now I'm paying $2. (swear word) 20 a (swear word) gallon! I was under the impression that when we controlled Iraq and Afganistan that our oil prices would lower! So somebody tell me what President Gee Dubya is doing to make gasolene cheaper?"
President Dubya did state that prices were going to be higher not because of supply, but because there aren't enough oil refineries in North America. "We need to put more refineries up and less of these useless, un-oil producing National Parks!" Coincidentally, the president's family is looking into building more refineries.
The public enjoying their anal raping over gas prices, is also looking forward to being branded with the President's National I.D., this will consist of a photo ID with a micro-chip inserted in it. You will be able to be tracked anywhere in the world. Any person can refuse to take the newly issued National I.D. but they will not be considered U.S. citizens and will not be able to travel by plane or train. And eventually, will not be able to buy, sell or trade and receive any medical treatment from a U.S. hospital. Even extreme right-wing religious fanatical conservatives can't deny how wrong this is, the book of Revelations states this: "...and the Beast shall make the people's of earth take his mark, either on his head or right hand, those that refuse will not be able to buy, sell or trade. For this is a human number, the mark of the beast, this number is 666".
Sorry to get religious on you all, but let's quit listening to the "terror scare". Our own personal freedoms are being taken from us by scare tactics. I love this country for the freedoms I have and without them, why would we stay here?

This Zen Farm Kitty is wanted by Martina County Humans for being too cute.

He can be identified by the following charateristics:

-Reggae Music enthusiast and member of the Rastafarian Church

-Also a practitioner of Zen Budhism, believed to be the 34th reincarnation of His Holiness, the Llama ZuZu

-Unable to take more than five steps without kneading the air

**If you see this kitty, take no chances: pet him immediately**

The Martina County Human Services Department has set up a model garbage house, so that potential garbage house buyers have a realistic idea of what garbage house living is like. Free tours are offered daily 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. until the garbage runs out.

Rearmount. Martina County Sheriff C. Gethard gave a lecture at the Martina County Public Library on about to spot a meth addict. The lecture was called, "The Eco-lolly-gee of A Tweak Head".

The crowd consisted of about 30 or 40 church going Christians who appeared edgy and paranoid.

"Usually they fit in to the community pretty well," Gethard said. "They can be tough to spot. The first thing to look for, is one minute they got several kids, then the next they only got one or two. Why is that? Well, it don't take a dummy to figger it out: they raise kids to eat 'em."

Along with eating children, meth addicts or Tweek Heads also worship Satan in lengthy rituals that involve paying taxes and writing letters to the editors of various publications.

"You see it everywhere," said Gethard. "Suddenly all these liberal letters to the editor appear and at the same time all the free tax worksheets disappear from the library. That means its almost time for them to feed."

Along with paying taxes, meth addicts can be spotted by their preference for foreign made cars. "Oh they loathe American steel," explained Gethard.

Tweekers also are usually educated, and typically take the wrong positions on abortion, gay marriage, faith-based learning, teaching evolution, subsidized health care, and welfare for the poor.

Generally speaking, "tweekers almost never support corporate tax loopholes; thats one of the things that makes 'em so dangerous. They also admire that pagan heathen Darwin, and his theory about how the world was 'evolved' by monkey atheists. Come on, " he said with a snide laugh, "ever'body knows the world ain't 'eeeevolved' from monkey atheists! First come them dinos that the devil put here the confuse the egg heads. Then God made the primitive savages and the knee-grows, and then he finally come up with the perfect being: the white sheriff with a large belly and balding head, which He done put down here to keep the reset of 'em in line! How about that?" So saying, the audience being laughing and slapping their knees wildly. Some audience members even tossed their straw hats in the air with glee.

Tweekers can also be identified by the presence of a "meth lab" said the sheriff. "Yah, uh often you'll notice a strange smell around their house, and holes dug everywhere--I mean everywhere! Also, if you hear non-stop barking: that's the meth lab. See, it can be any type of labrador retreiver, black, chocolate, yellow, or sexy chocolate."

When asked to describe a "sexy chocolate" lab, the sheriff pretended not to understand.

Sheriff Gethard explained that many different kinds of toxic chemicals are founds in meth labs including anhydrous ammonia, psudeophedrine, battery acid, petroleum base, and really raunchy dog farts, particularly after eating stuff found in ditches. The toxic waste found in meth labs, also produces hazards for children. "Often, we'll find the kids alone near a meth lab, and the stupid thing will just sit there, licking the kids' face for hours--if the kid even has a face left. You don't even want to know what sort of things you find on the tongue of a meth lab!"

Generally speaking, the following is a list of general criteria used by law enfocement to spot meth users:

• tendency toward godlessness
• tendency to have sympathy for animals and monkeys
• smoking outside of home
• roll eyes and sigh when police drive slowly by home
• read at least two works of literature per year
• tolerant of others
• show hatred of America through love of un-censored speech
• letters to the editor
• single mom
• single dad
• gay mom
• gay dad
• children seem a little too "well fed"
• very, very hyperactive weird smelling lab (sign of meth lab)
• vote pro-choice
• vote pro-education
• activity at all hours
• no activity at all
• activity seems "queer"
• activity does not seem "queer"
• activity "seems" queer
• "activity" seems queer
• even with head cut off, body still gets around okay
• hates American steel

If you see a person who exhibits any of these signs please contact the Martina County Special Immolation Unit, so that they can be disposed of properly. Remember, cutting off the head just doesn't do it.

In an unrelated story, immolation of meth addicts began today in Martina County. 54 addicts were rounded up in a large wagon, and driven through downtown Reamount so Christians could throw stones at them before they were hauled to the new;y designed Martina County Meth Addict Burn Pit, located outside of town. There, the addicts were off loaded, handed a bar of soap and told they would, "enjoy a campfire and some singing" in a Christian-style "intervention" before being taken to jail. When one addict asked, "what's the soap for?" Sheriff Gethard replied, "I dunno, but that's how the Nazis done it!" and then the addicts were kicked into the pit, doused with oil and ignitited. Sheriff's deputies stood by with shotguns in case any of the burning addicts attempted to leave the pit. After the fires were out, the charred remains were collected and sold and distributed to factories to be processed into heating oil, tires, plastic products, and chocolate easter bunnies.

Faremount. While driving home from picking up her grand-daughter, Sparkles Spinner, from pre-school, Spam Spinner almost had a heart-attack when Sparkles pulls out a can of Miller Lite and proceeded to "pop a top" for her ride home.
During the morning hours of preparing for her day, Sparkles asked her mom's boyfriend for a snack to eat at school. Said boyfriend then gave her a snack pack of potato chips rich in starch and sodium. Then Sparkles decided she wanted something in case she was thirsty and grabbed something out of the fridge and put it in her back pack.
"She wanted something to drink." cried frantic nanna Spam Spinner, "Then she whips out this can of Miller lite and almost opened it!"
Ms. Spinner, already concerned about the alcohol intake of her daughter's boyfriend, had decided that he was trying to start her grand-daughter on the "sauce" as well. When confronted, the boyfriend replied, "What? It's 3.2. That ain't gonna harm her none. Besides, it helps me concentrate more."
The next day, her backpack was filled with one "B", one half-eaten M & M candy bar, a bottle of Mike's Hard Cider, a pack of Basic Ultra-lights, and the anniversary issue of "Guns and Ammo".
Said boyfriend has been banished from the community and is said to be exiled to Omaha, Nebraska. A city noted to be the dumping pot of the United States and the Morman community.

Jewissville. DownTyme, the band known to incite riotous behavior amongst old people, does it again to a crowd of rednecks.
While playing at the Jewissville Liquor store and Dance Hall, the band DownTyme finished up their last song when a riot broke out.
The lead singer had asked the bartender, Carmen, if this was a barfightin' tavern earlier. She replied that it was "a real nice n' quiet place". And so it was, as it was reported, during most of the songs the only applause came from the significant others of the band members.
"I thought we were playing golf for awhile there." said bassist Mark Nowicki.
The bartender went on to explain, "We here in Jewissville wuz all raised Lut'ern, Missouri Synod, mind yuh, and we ain't allowed to clap in church, so we don't clap in here neither!"
A few moments after the last song of the night, there was a flash of NASCAR jackets and Bobcat baseball caps, and the row was on. The lead singer and his girlfriend, both former corrections officers of Moon Valley county, were there on the scene ready to dish out some beat downs of what looked like the lovefest of two men.
After the melee, it was found that the two men were arguing about who's pick up truck was "jacked up" the most, and then the first fist was thrown when they argued over whose wife had bigger hair.
It seems that hate and discontent follow Down Tyme where ever they play. Be it the "Blue Hair Massacre of Citizen's Park" or the "Bartender Beat Down of Ormsberry". Some fan's of the band come just for the barfights.

Brewman. Madeline Mrs. Bencdy Dog was recently cited for violating her probation by lapping up the virus ridden stomach contents of an ill reporter who visited her while researching an article titled "Life On Stink Row, How One Boxer Had It All But Lost Everything To Porcine Addiction." This article was a followup to his gritty, groundbreaking undercover Pulitzer nominated piece: "You're Gonna Have To Face It You're Addicted To Dead Baby Pigs." While the reporter was weakened and ill, the boxer reportedly nudged the reported and asked,

"Hey, um, are you, uh, done with that? Looks like puddin' and I loooooooooove puddin'!" At that point, the boxer nudged the reporter out of the way and consumed his expurgated stomach contents before the boxer could be physically restrained. "Oh boy" said Madeline as she was led away, "it was still warm! Thanks a lot, you're my sickly buddyfriend."

The reporter tried to conceal the identity of the boxer, in order to protect his sources, but Madeline insisted she had done nothing wrong. "I was just following my bliss, man. I am the bendy king and can do anything. Yeeeeeeah!"

At that point, a Zen Farm Kitty wearing wraparound shades intervened to back up the boxer. "Meow comment at this time please," said the kitty, holding up one paw and kneading the air trippily. "Meow Bendy need some space meow'kay?" When asked what his relationship is to Madeline, the kitty replied, "meow publicist and meow public meow relations. Meow'alright meow, meow more questions at meow time."

The kitty, identified as Marley Zen Farm Kitty is facing charges related to the incident in which Madeline is on parole. If Mrs. Bendy is charged with a parole violation, she could receive a light swat on the bum, followed by an admonition such as, "God! That is nasty! Eeeeeeewwwww! Get out of here you raunchy dog!" Or no action could be taken at all.

St. Paul. A run on supplies of precious Black Icor has caused supplies to dwindle and demand to soar in the Twin Cities area. According to local Red Cross workers, the metro wide shortage is due to the outbreak of Ebola, in the wild urban MacAlaster-Groveland neighborhood in St. Paul. Long known as a stronghold district for liberal degenerates who hate American and the family, it now also holds the distinction of containing the sole Ebola case in Minnesota.

All it took was just one case to create a shortage because, acording to one doctor, "When we get people in for the blood and plasma drives, we never ask for icor. We should, because in Ebola victims, they spurt out all their icor through their eyes and if we don't have compatible replacement icor, the only thing we can do to staunch the icor flow is poke out their eyes or perform a trans-orbital lobotomy."

The doctor explained that all humans are divided into several distinct icor groups: A, A+, O, O-, black, vanilla ice, cherry chocolate, sexy body chocolate, rocky road, and senile-colada.

While Black Icor, the type needed by the victim, is relatively common, all types of icor are only commonly stocked in equatorial rainforests, as opposed to arctic wastelands.

Is Ebola becoming a threat in Minnesota? "Probably not," said the doctor. What should one do if one has the virus? "Immediately seek shelter and do not eat monkey parts. Thats the worst thing you can do. I repeat, resist any temptation to eat diseased, slimy, monkey parts--even if they're ten days old at room temperature. That still won't do it! Also, once the vomiting starts, know that although it may seem like it will never end, it really won't. Recovery usually takes places once the stomach lining has been heaved up, along with the stomach, the colon, jejunum, lower intestine, and gall bladder. Sometimes the rectum might come up as well, but if that occurs just be patient and swallow it back. It will eventually settle back into place. The rest of the stuff can all be replaced by bags and tubes. Fuh-geddaboutit!"

The victim in question was a 29 yearold reporter who wishes not to be named, which will be easy to accomplish since he is writing this article about himself in the third person.

The victim is finally beginning to recover after 24 hour ordeal he aptly and articulately described as, "the sickest day in my life." Witnesses who saw him vomiting outside were shocked at the violence with which the victim fertilized nearby plants with his syrupy innards. A small child is even said to have wandered by, running away in primal fear upon seeing what seemed to be a deranged lunatic kneeling in sweatpants by the front door of her Nana'a house, moaning and drooling. But upon careful examination, it only turned out to be a deranged lunatic kneeling in sweatpants, moaning and drooling, and making little sense.


The child's security blanket, or "Bee" was tied to an iron railing at the time, and a steady breeze blowing through the Bee gave the reporter the impression that the Bee was a person who spoke to him. "Duh-don't worry about me. Ahhhhhh-rahhh-arr-arr-arrr-blahhhhhh. I'm okay, kay. Mmmm--ooop! Blahhhhhhhhhhhh-are!" the reporter remembers telling the Bee. Even though he had know idea who the Bee was, he was sure it was someone, someone other than the Bee. The Bee did not respond, but continued to happily wave back in forth in the sunny, unseasonable warm temperatures while the reporter nearly burst his spleen trying to spew forth bile and icor, his body hijacked by a plague come straight from H-E-double-hockey-sticks.

Other hallucinations followed, including: disorientation to place: inside felt like outside felt like inside. People constantly walking just out of the corner of his eye. Stomach contents looked like squirming maggots once hurled out. The talking (or listening) Bee.

Toward dusk, Lost Bird approached the reporter and asked, "how's it goin' big thunder?" to which the reported responded by firing the hershey squirts out of his rear end at a higher velocity than a frightened octopus shoots ink when faced with a predator. Then, he replied, "yeah man, its goin'."

Later on, the reporter was nursed back to health with the aid of chocolate soy milk, 1/2 a ritz cracker, 2 extra strenth tylenol, 3 tylenol 3, 2 flexaril, and a bath from a blonde.

A medical expert was quoted for this story, saying, "yeah, ain't nuthin' a few codeine n' flexaril and a bath from a hot blonde won't cure." Damn right.

The reporter wished to thank all those who supported him (or put up with him) through the ordeal. He is mending well, though his bowels remain irritable and squirty. He has promised to lobby the Minnesota congress to raise awareness of the need to donate icor.

Sodom Prairie. Starchy Laboratories, the world's leading hearing aid manufacturer, has made it's way in the universe of the hearing impaired by the use of magic.
Take their "Anti-moisture coat". The reason most hearing aids fail, is due to sweat in the ear canal seeping into the circuits and shorting them out. The anti-moisture coating is added to insure the prevention of this. When asked to demonstrate this amazing process, a technician put the hearing instrument in front of him, called upon the gods of all that hear, and snapped his fingers and waved them over the hearing aid. "There," he claimed. "It's done." This reporter said "What the hell was that?" in which he replied, "It's magic."
Starchy Labs engineering/finance department has also come up with an option for those of it's clients that suffer from plastic allergies. The hypo-allergenic coating which they apply is in reality, clear nail polish.
The anti-moisture coating is priced to hearing aid dealers at $56.13, they in turn charge grandma and grandpa $150.13. The hypo-allergenic coating is marketed at $15.03, and sold to grammy and poppy at $27.10.
Also, Starchy has opened up it's "Black Ops" division in their All-Make division. They basically strip old circuit boards and re-use them, selling the used parts as new.
"It's a financially secure wheel, that turns ever so fast." claimed Starchy Labs president, Phil Dallas.
Starchy Labs has used it's capital to purchase other struggling hearing aid repair businesses and has opened up factories worldwide.

Faremount. The Faremount Centenial, a newspaper that pioneered truth in publication, has decided to take a powder when it comes to what it publishes.
The story broke when it came to a story that criticised one of it's biggest advertisers. Bubway sandwiches, a local chain sandwich shop, was reportedly using "human fluid" instead of mayonase on their sandwiches. But for some reason, the story was never published. When asked about the incident, editor-n-cheif; Larry Gundersen, said, "Well, have you ever heard of the phrase 'don't bite the hand that feeds you?' It's like that. Bubway is one of our biggest advertisers and we aren't going to risk something like that and jeopardize the circulation rate of the Centenial."
Also, the Centenial has decided not to print any stories involving their political picks, or people with "influence" in town. This includes stories and editorials written to criticise names like Sheriff Gephardt, Mike Humbal, Stu Pidasso, etc...
Hair-e Guy submitted an editorial and was told not to peddle is drivel 'round these parts again, or he'd find a flaming cross burning in his hook-nose kyke jew boy yard. This made Hair-e laugh as he has no yard and lives in an apartment. Also, he's only part-jewish 6 times removed on his tenth cousin's side.
So the next time you read your local newspaper, whether it be the Faremount Centenial, the Knottsville Happy Smiley Chronicle, make sure your reading real news, not news catered to the advertisers in your area.

Thruman. While on haitus, R.A.G. reporter Hair-e-guy contracts the Ebola virus.
On Saturday, roving reporter Hair-e-guy, came to Thruman with his commonlaw wife to visit her mother and the Bendy Boxer Madeline.
After spending the evening at LostBird's home, and returning late, Hair-e-guy awoke the next morning with what he thought was the raging Haunta virus. But after sloughing his guts and spurting black icor from his eyes and mumbling uncontrollably, "There's not enough rum in this boat to make me look better." Hair-e was rushed to a Twin Cities hospital as there is no other medical facility in Thruman.
Hair-e's common law wife, Sarah, transported his decaying form back home to St. Paul where he will receive ice chips until he has been restored to normalcy.
In an unrelated story, there have been vast amounts of monkeys found buried in the grove of the farmstead he was staying at. The monkeys, used as lab 'recipients', were from Zaire Africa where the Ebola virus is thought to come from.
The landlord of the estate claimed that the house rests on an old burial ground for lab recipients. The animals tested different soybean hybrids with corn borer insecticide.
The staff and family of the R.A.G. Files wish Hair-e a complete and full recovery.

Southrup. Motorists spotted what may have been several Chinamen in a group in a field, while driving southbound on highway 15. According to one automobile passenger, the Chinamen were in a pack, ambling along a field, wearing China clothes.

It was not immediately clear if the Chinamen were from China or if they were trying to reach the China Food Plus buffet, located in Rearmount. It was also not clear if they were actual Chinamen.

"General Asians get confused with Chinamen all the time," said Martina County Sheriff C. Gethard. "Chinamen are taller than other asians, and they don't wear them funny, pointy hats like asians did when I was back in the 'Nam. Asians from the 'Nam are called Charlie or Charlie Cong, not Chinamen." When asked what Chinawomen look like, Gethard took a step back from this reporter and yelled, "we don't use derogatory labels or promote demeaning stereotypes here in Martina county. No, there is no difference between WOMEN OF CHINESE ANCESTRY and other Chinamen. There is, as I have already stated a huge difference between Chinamen and all the other asians. Get it now?"

Other reports of Chinamen sightings have usually been debunked by authorities as cruel hoaxes or pranks. "We just don't get too many Chinamen, here," said Gethard. "I think its the weather. They can't get their rice paddies to grow, and we don't have a good enough supply of dogs."

The last confirmed sighting of foreign born Chinamen in Martina county occured in 1894, during the construction of the railroad. Since then, all the Chinamen have disappeared with the Indians.

Bimont. A 21 year old man was arrested outside his split-level home in an unseemly incident, after neighbors called police to report a disturbance. The man, Walter Donald Erman was found shirtless and dirty by authorities in a heightened state of emotional distress in his front yard. He was seen by officers assaulting a stack of compact discs with a portable blowtorch and a tire iron. He was alternatively smashing and burning the CD's. When asked to state his business, Erman told the officers, "I'm killing the 80's man. I'm trying to kill the 80's. This is my house and I can kill the 80's anywhere I want to on my own land."

The officer told Erman that he could not kill the 80's because the 80's are gone, replaced by the 90's, then the 00's, which he stated as "the two thousands" because the "oh, oh's" sounds weird and offensive. After the officers told Erman that he could not kill the 80's, Erman laughed, shook his head and replied, "Well I sure as f*** am gonna try!"

The officers then restrained Erman using an aerosol chemical irritant spray. Once in custody, police officer examined the CD's Erman destroyed and found albums by Poison, Skid Row, Journey, Mike and the Mechanics, Phil Collins, Air Supply, Night Ranger, Bad English and many, many others. The CD's contained all of your favorite party hits, and were contained in one convenient collection!

An officer assigned to the investigation found one CD that Erman did not have a chance to destroy. He was observed saying, "Hip To Be Square, sweet! My wife loves this s***!" whereupon, he placed the CD in his pocket when no one was looking. This reporter decided that even though evidence was being stolen, it was probably best to let nature take its course, since only the fit shall survive. An hour later, the officer was punished for his wanton violation of Natural Law: in a bizarre and unexplained incident, his cop mustache fell off NEVER TO GROW BACK AGAIN. The officer was then forced to resign his commision in shame.

Whilst in custody, some other officers questioned Erman regarding his foolish attack on so righteous and glorious a decade. "How did you think you could kill the 80's? The 80's are stronger than any one mortal. I wanna know what killing the 80's is, I want you to show me..." Erman replied, "Dunno, but I can at least try to kill the 80's on my own property. The 80's screwed me over. I want them gone, all of the 80's, not just part of them, not one year or one thing. I mean mean all of it, even Family Ties, even though I liked that show a lot. Yeah, I know its just reruns. I want those gone too. I don't care."

Walter Donald Erman was released from custody but placed under police protection, because so many people love the 80's so much that the thought of anyone trying to kill the 80's, however unlikely or impossible, would cause them become a target of permanent harassment and derision.

Oh, who's the hunter
Who's the game
I feel the beat call your name
I'll hold you close in victory
I don't wanna tame your animal style
You won't be caged
From the call of the wild...
Shootin' at the walls of heartache
Bang, bang, I am the warrior!
Yes I am the warrior, warrior!
And heart to heart you win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior

From, Warrior by Scandal, featuring Patty Smyth