The R.A.G. Files

CEYPHILLUS - A local gym teacher accused of molesting young teens and bunny rabbits was emasculated when he allegedly waggled his twig and berries at a cougar in a Farten County park last weekend.Twenty-five year veteran of Farten County Rural School District Dunce Pooten - who was on a year long "personal tour of duty"- was taking a hike through the Blight Lake park area, located about eight miles northeast of Ceyphillus. Pooten was reportedly looking for bunny rabbits to squeeze and collect the feces into Mason jars to add to his collection, when he came across the "Blight Lake Cougar."While there had been many reports of cougar sightings in recent years, many people chose to believe that it was only a legend. Ironically, the many tales of Pooten wagging his twig and berries at the children in the locker rooms was written off as legend by other teachers and administrators.Pooten, who had never met anyone or anything he couldn't intimidate by wagging his genitals at it, reportedly whipped down his pants zipper and flashed the growling cat his goods.Farten County Sabbatical learned that attending physicians spent several hours attempting to reattatch Pooten's genitals - which reportedly resembed a bloody piece of Salisbury Steak by the time the cougar was done. The surgeries were unsuccessful, and Pooten's detatched genitals have since been confiscated as evidence."That cat played with his bits and pieces like it was a string and ball of yarn, I'll tell ya what," one Ceyphillus Ambulance rescue worker said.The Farten County Sabbatical reporter who originally broke the cougar and Pooten molestation stories took the news in a typical boastful fashion."They called me a yellow journalist when these stories were published!" she was overheard hollering from her favorite barstool in the local grub and pub. "Well, who's peeing themselves now? Ha ha-ha-ha! Ho Hah! Oh crap, I think I'm going to..." She then passed out face first in her basket of cheese sticks after one too many MaiTais.
(for more on the plight of Farten County check out fartencountysabbatical.blogspot.com thanks to get a grip and old kentucky shark)