Thursday, March 17, 2005
MARTINA COUNTY CRIMINAL JUSTICE REPORT: MARCH 2005
March, 2005
Failure to keep ditch clear:
Southrop. Marti Purplepot, age 89 was cited and fined for failing to keep his ditch clean outside his rural residence. At court, Purplepot plead not guilty by reason of being too damn old and had fine waived in lieu of 30 days hard labor.
Brewman. Sam Jorkins, age 45, cited for not removing overturned vehicle from ditch outside his rural property.
Quadramont. Mufukti Fukyu cited for having a rowdy ditch party without first obtaining a permit and for having a funny African name that sounds like a swearword.
Filing a false report with a peace officer.
Brewman. Wordrick Vindal reported to Brewman police that someone dented his rusty mailbox, but that it wasn't a big deal. Upon further inspection, the officer determined that it was a big deal because he was bored and there was nothing to do. The suspect was cited, released and encouraged to please make a bigger deal out of stuff so that bored officers might have something to do.
Snubbing In A No-Snubbing Zone
Rearmount. The entire Sherrif's Department of Martina County was cited for snubbing former officers Lost Bird and S. Spinner in a No-Snubbing Zone of the city. Snubbing that is deserved may take place in any area of the city, even No-Snubbing Zones but undeserved snubbing may only take place in a Fat and Stupid Zone. The sherrif responded by pointing out that the department was in a Fat and Stupid Zone wherever it went, because it was always fat or stupid and therefore immune to charges of snubbery or grand snubbery. Judge Buster D. Hyman dropped charges in exchange for a leather thong furnished by the sherrif.
Quadramont. A drive-by snubbing occured at slow-speed. The snubbers fled the scene and were not identified. Victims Myrtle A. Portnshort and Burtleby Froppintop issued several "humph!"s and "well, I never!"s and "The nerve!" before the suspects, possibly former friends who used to go quilting keeled over with shame, several miles down Co. Rd. 314.
Weapons Violation
Bimont. An off-duty police officer accidentally discharged his weapon into his numb-numb, causing severe pain and embarrassment. The officer claimed to have been cleaning his weapon at the time...with his numb-numb, when the weapon became tired of being abused in such an outrageous manner. Charged filed.
Noise Complaint
Rearmount. A country and western music band, the Skanky Dreemers was cited for causing pain and anguish to geriatric patrons of the Fiddlesticks Club for their valium inspired church organ keyboard work, absentee drumming, and vomit inducing vocals. The lead singer was cited for causing a riot when several drunk patrons became too horny to control themselves after seeing the faded butterfly tatoo that spanned four distinct blubber rolls on the lead singer's skankily exposed abdomen. Describing the tatoo, one patron said, "purtee lill' thing look like it was flying. I couldn't keep my hands down. Ahhhh-yaaaa-yaa!" He then emitted too much drool to be understood.
Brewman. Unearthly, violent gagging and heaving was heard for several miles but it was only a familiar bendy boxer yaking up the bacterial ridden, diseased remains of a road kill carcass.
Bimont. A truck hurtling down Hwy 15 at 65 mph overturned, causing a spill of one ton of animal feed. It was loud as all get out.
Suspicious Activity
Quadramont. Several crank heads were 86'ed from Perky's Restaurant for eating all of the cigarette butts in the ashtrays while picking bleeding sores and ulcers, prompting management to amend the following rule "no shirt, no shoes, no service" to "no shirt, no shoes, no skin, no teeth, no service"
Rearmount. Judge Hyman found naked on the front lawn of his home taking hits off his medically unneccessary oxygen tank while giggling and adorning his body with painful scarifications.
Bimont. A group of people was seen in a group, after dark.
Rearmount. Several fisherman were observed on Ball Lake, using female pleasure devices as bait. A fish warden ascertained that the men were unaware that the Mast-R-Bait bait and fishing supply store had closed and re-opened as the Mast-UR-Bate sex supply store. Although the female pleasure devices were the most expensive and useless "fishin' bait" the men had ever used, the glow-in-the dark condoms worked wonders for catching walleye after dark, and the men reported that their wives had never been happier.
Failure to keep ditch clear:
Southrop. Marti Purplepot, age 89 was cited and fined for failing to keep his ditch clean outside his rural residence. At court, Purplepot plead not guilty by reason of being too damn old and had fine waived in lieu of 30 days hard labor.
Brewman. Sam Jorkins, age 45, cited for not removing overturned vehicle from ditch outside his rural property.
Quadramont. Mufukti Fukyu cited for having a rowdy ditch party without first obtaining a permit and for having a funny African name that sounds like a swearword.
Filing a false report with a peace officer.
Brewman. Wordrick Vindal reported to Brewman police that someone dented his rusty mailbox, but that it wasn't a big deal. Upon further inspection, the officer determined that it was a big deal because he was bored and there was nothing to do. The suspect was cited, released and encouraged to please make a bigger deal out of stuff so that bored officers might have something to do.
Snubbing In A No-Snubbing Zone
Rearmount. The entire Sherrif's Department of Martina County was cited for snubbing former officers Lost Bird and S. Spinner in a No-Snubbing Zone of the city. Snubbing that is deserved may take place in any area of the city, even No-Snubbing Zones but undeserved snubbing may only take place in a Fat and Stupid Zone. The sherrif responded by pointing out that the department was in a Fat and Stupid Zone wherever it went, because it was always fat or stupid and therefore immune to charges of snubbery or grand snubbery. Judge Buster D. Hyman dropped charges in exchange for a leather thong furnished by the sherrif.
Quadramont. A drive-by snubbing occured at slow-speed. The snubbers fled the scene and were not identified. Victims Myrtle A. Portnshort and Burtleby Froppintop issued several "humph!"s and "well, I never!"s and "The nerve!" before the suspects, possibly former friends who used to go quilting keeled over with shame, several miles down Co. Rd. 314.
Weapons Violation
Bimont. An off-duty police officer accidentally discharged his weapon into his numb-numb, causing severe pain and embarrassment. The officer claimed to have been cleaning his weapon at the time...with his numb-numb, when the weapon became tired of being abused in such an outrageous manner. Charged filed.
Noise Complaint
Rearmount. A country and western music band, the Skanky Dreemers was cited for causing pain and anguish to geriatric patrons of the Fiddlesticks Club for their valium inspired church organ keyboard work, absentee drumming, and vomit inducing vocals. The lead singer was cited for causing a riot when several drunk patrons became too horny to control themselves after seeing the faded butterfly tatoo that spanned four distinct blubber rolls on the lead singer's skankily exposed abdomen. Describing the tatoo, one patron said, "purtee lill' thing look like it was flying. I couldn't keep my hands down. Ahhhh-yaaaa-yaa!" He then emitted too much drool to be understood.
Brewman. Unearthly, violent gagging and heaving was heard for several miles but it was only a familiar bendy boxer yaking up the bacterial ridden, diseased remains of a road kill carcass.
Bimont. A truck hurtling down Hwy 15 at 65 mph overturned, causing a spill of one ton of animal feed. It was loud as all get out.
Suspicious Activity
Quadramont. Several crank heads were 86'ed from Perky's Restaurant for eating all of the cigarette butts in the ashtrays while picking bleeding sores and ulcers, prompting management to amend the following rule "no shirt, no shoes, no service" to "no shirt, no shoes, no skin, no teeth, no service"
Rearmount. Judge Hyman found naked on the front lawn of his home taking hits off his medically unneccessary oxygen tank while giggling and adorning his body with painful scarifications.
Bimont. A group of people was seen in a group, after dark.
Rearmount. Several fisherman were observed on Ball Lake, using female pleasure devices as bait. A fish warden ascertained that the men were unaware that the Mast-R-Bait bait and fishing supply store had closed and re-opened as the Mast-UR-Bate sex supply store. Although the female pleasure devices were the most expensive and useless "fishin' bait" the men had ever used, the glow-in-the dark condoms worked wonders for catching walleye after dark, and the men reported that their wives had never been happier.
