Friday, March 11, 2005
COUNTY SHERIFF TELLS HOW TO SPOT A METH ADDICT
Rearmount. Martina County Sheriff C. Gethard gave a lecture at the Martina County Public Library on about to spot a meth addict. The lecture was called, "The Eco-lolly-gee of A Tweak Head".
The crowd consisted of about 30 or 40 church going Christians who appeared edgy and paranoid.
"Usually they fit in to the community pretty well," Gethard said. "They can be tough to spot. The first thing to look for, is one minute they got several kids, then the next they only got one or two. Why is that? Well, it don't take a dummy to figger it out: they raise kids to eat 'em."
Along with eating children, meth addicts or Tweek Heads also worship Satan in lengthy rituals that involve paying taxes and writing letters to the editors of various publications.
"You see it everywhere," said Gethard. "Suddenly all these liberal letters to the editor appear and at the same time all the free tax worksheets disappear from the library. That means its almost time for them to feed."
Along with paying taxes, meth addicts can be spotted by their preference for foreign made cars. "Oh they loathe American steel," explained Gethard.
Tweekers also are usually educated, and typically take the wrong positions on abortion, gay marriage, faith-based learning, teaching evolution, subsidized health care, and welfare for the poor.
Generally speaking, "tweekers almost never support corporate tax loopholes; thats one of the things that makes 'em so dangerous. They also admire that pagan heathen Darwin, and his theory about how the world was 'evolved' by monkey atheists. Come on, " he said with a snide laugh, "ever'body knows the world ain't 'eeeevolved' from monkey atheists! First come them dinos that the devil put here the confuse the egg heads. Then God made the primitive savages and the knee-grows, and then he finally come up with the perfect being: the white sheriff with a large belly and balding head, which He done put down here to keep the reset of 'em in line! How about that?" So saying, the audience being laughing and slapping their knees wildly. Some audience members even tossed their straw hats in the air with glee.
Tweekers can also be identified by the presence of a "meth lab" said the sheriff. "Yah, uh often you'll notice a strange smell around their house, and holes dug everywhere--I mean everywhere! Also, if you hear non-stop barking: that's the meth lab. See, it can be any type of labrador retreiver, black, chocolate, yellow, or sexy chocolate."
When asked to describe a "sexy chocolate" lab, the sheriff pretended not to understand.
Sheriff Gethard explained that many different kinds of toxic chemicals are founds in meth labs including anhydrous ammonia, psudeophedrine, battery acid, petroleum base, and really raunchy dog farts, particularly after eating stuff found in ditches. The toxic waste found in meth labs, also produces hazards for children. "Often, we'll find the kids alone near a meth lab, and the stupid thing will just sit there, licking the kids' face for hours--if the kid even has a face left. You don't even want to know what sort of things you find on the tongue of a meth lab!"
Generally speaking, the following is a list of general criteria used by law enfocement to spot meth users:
- tendency toward godlessness
- tendency to have sympathy for animals and monkeys
- smoking outside of home
- roll eyes and sigh when police drive slowly by home
- read at least two works of literature per year
- tolerant of others
- show hatred of America through love of un-censored speech
- letters to the editor
- single mom
- single dad
- gay mom
- gay dad
- children seem a little too "well fed"
- very, very hyperactive weird smelling lab (sign of meth lab)
- vote pro-choice
- vote pro-education
- activity at all hours
- no activity at all
- activity seems "queer"
- activity does not seem "queer"
- activity "seems" queer
- "activity" seems queer
- even with head cut off, body still gets around okay
- hates American steel
If you see a person who exhibits any of these signs please contact the Martina County Special Immolation Unit, so that they can be disposed of properly. Remember, cutting off the head just doesn't do it.
In an unrelated story, immolation of meth addicts began today in Martina County. 54 addicts were rounded up in a large wagon, and driven through downtown Reamount so Christians could throw stones at them before they were hauled to the new;y designed Martina County Meth Addict Burn Pit, located outside of town. There, the addicts were off loaded, handed a bar of soap and told they would, "enjoy a campfire and some singing" in a Christian-style "intervention" before being taken to jail. When one addict asked, "what's the soap for?" Sheriff Gethard replied, "I dunno, but that's how the Nazis done it!" and then the addicts were kicked into the pit, doused with oil and ignitited. Sheriff's deputies stood by with shotguns in case any of the burning addicts attempted to leave the pit. After the fires were out, the charred remains were collected and sold and distributed to factories to be processed into heating oil, tires, plastic products, and chocolate easter bunnies.
