The R.A.G. Files

Rearmount. Town icon, fishing bait and supply store Mast-R-Bait recently went out of business, due to falling sales and deceased fishing catches on area lakes. "We was goin' right under," said the redneck owners. Declaring an emergency and not wanting to witness the demise of a ramshackle little hut whose peeling paint and faded, vaguely lascivious and poorly conceived name has been a fond eyesore to the community for over a quarter century (25 years), several community groups and rotary clubs have stepped in with a solution that they believe will benefit all.

After several months of rennovations, the dilapidated Mast-R-Bait was rebuilt at the same location into the vital, new Mast-UR-BATE, a store that caters to carnal needs that many believe with strengthen the overall vitality of Rearmount, and possibly indirectly contribute to increasing the town's population after decades of slow decline.

However, the changes are not without controversy. The first signs of trouble emerged when some old, decrepit fisherman who still think Nixon is the president of the United States entered the newly rennovated store, walked past 100 feet of nudie mags and edible handcuffs only to end up purchasing pleasure devices intended for women that they were sure HAD to be some new kind of tackle. "Yah," said one, "it wasn't a problem 'till we got 'er in the water. Nuthin' come up for hours." The fishermen did admit to catching several walleye with the glow-in-the-dark condoms they purchased. After some consternation trying to return the items, management eventually offered a partial refund. "We aren't used to people being this ignornant," the store manager said, "but hey, this is Rearmount so we'll have to give it some time, maybe include pamphlets and instructions with each item."

In addtion to fishing tackle confusion, the store is also running into problems with the town's predominantly anti-sex Christians. Reverend Hate, of the Christ Loves Us But Hates You Evangelical Church, "Its bad enough our kids have to be brainwashed to love their neighbors with Spongebob and Tinky Wanky and all the other Santanic atheistic homosexual cartoons, now that have to see people out on the lake, fishing with condoms! What kind of message is that, huh? Do we really want to send our kids the message that fishing is safe? You never know when a boat could overturn! Just because its their 'first time' doesn't mean it couldn't be their last! This is an abomination! God hates condoms! God hates queers! God hates fish! If they want to 'catch' something, why the hell shouldn't it be Jesus H. Christ, goddamn it!"

The Reverend was reminded that Jesus famously gave out loaves and fishes, that Catholics eat fish on Fridays during the season of lent and that the fish is a Christian symbol.

"I don't care, thats not the point, you idiot!" said Reverend Hate. "Eating fishes is fine, its fishing thats evil because fishing is fun, and anything fun is sex and sex is evil and sex smells bad, like fishes. Don't you get it! Fun, fun, its too damn much fun! Its an orgy! Its a damnable orgy, orgy! Look what you done to me with all these evil questions, now I can't stop shouting 'orgy!' Ahhh! Orgy! Orgy! Yeah!Go buy your fishes in a store, already breaded lest you be defiled like Mosses' son who saw Mosses drunk and naked. If you see a naked fish, that means you're going to H-E-double-f***ing-hockey-sticks!!! Just like Mosses. Get it? Orgy!! If you go fishing, you can only catch a naked f***ing fish because the natural state of fishes is like the natural state of man, which is fun and evil!! Orgy!"

Just as this reporter was about to ask Reverend Hate for his opinion of the newly reopened Mast-UR-Bate store, the Reverend's vein became to protrude from his forehead and he keeled over from a severe brain aneuryism, only to be revived days later to discover that something even worse than the catching and procurment of naked fishes was happening in Rearmount. Sadly, the reverend became paralyzed with hate after writing several dozen letters banishing the souls of every memember of every rotissery group and rotary club that supported the shop, to H-E-double-f***ing-hockey-sticks. He was carted away to be warehoused in a home for worn out bad people for the remainder of his bile and sputum filled days.

To date, Mast-UR-Bate continues to turn a profit, selling out of all its stock despite the complete cessation of all sex education from Rearmont to the Canadian Border due to Bush's Total Ignorance Birds and the...What? Oh, Yeah the Stork Done Brought Us policy.