The R.A.G. Files

Washington D.C. Gee Dubya should've been the one wearing a flak jacket when giving a press conference the other day in the Rose Garden of the White House.
The President was criticized for his handling of prisoners in Guantanomo Bay and Abu Graib, with the recent report from Amnesty International. The report stated that the two prisoner of war camps were like "soviet-era gulags". The reports backed up by internet photos and the false-reporting by Newsweak magazine.
"Whut they done wrote about them there prisons is a trav--triv--bad!" Gee Dubya started, "I done reckon they ain't never spent a night in the hooskow b'fore in their lives! They just a bunch of crybabies!"
When asked by reporters about the recent events where guards at Abu Graib were photographed doing what Amnesty International is reporting about, Dubya replied, "They is terrorist, fer chrissakes! I ain't done wanna hear about no Geneva Convention crap spit at me about this! Now c'mon, fellahs, let's have a barbecue!"

America. As we remember the soldiers who have given their lives for our own personal freedoms, and democracy across the globe; may we at the R.A.G. Files take a minute to thank also the other lives that were given so that we can live the way and place we do. The Native Americans.
Thank you, Navajo, Apache, Choctaw, Souix, Chippewa, Tenhassen, Cherokee and the many other tribes out there that showed our forefathers how to survive here in your country. Thank you for opening your doors to us, sharing your customs, people and knowledge with us. Thank you for not killing all of us off and agreeing to live on reservations in your own land. Thank you for sacrificing your bravest warriors, your women and children so that we could prosper as a country on your property.
Also, thank you to our military, serving your country under a blood thirsty, lying, war-monger. Not everyone in America looks down on you. In fact, we all want you home. Protecting us. But your sense of duty calls you elsewhere, in someone elses country, imposing our leader's rule on others. We don't blame you for some of the atrocities that have occurred. You're someone's son or daughter. Believing in the American dream. Thank you, for trying to do what you think is right.

Faremount. There's nothing more appauling when some uninsured dreg comes into the Faremount Medical Center/Mustard Health System trying to get medical attention. At least according to some medical staff.
One half-breed, probably looking for a hand-out, came into FMC/MHS complaining of flu like symptoms. He claimed that his girlfriend exposed him to mononucleosis by transferring her saliva into his mouth. (atypical of his kind and their brood) Dr. Handsem was the physician that "cared" for him.
"Well," Dr. Handsem sighed. "If he didn't have a fever, then I probably would've just blown him off until he got tired of waiting for me and left. But, we doctors take that hypocratic oath, so I gave him the 'uninsured' exam. Which consists of taking his temp, bloodpressure, look in his ears, his throat and then tell him it's a virus and send him away."
"Then, he complained that his kidneys were hurting and that he was peeing blood. I'm like great, now this ingrate is trying to milk the system! So I poked him in the kidneys, he said it hurt, then I poked him the bladder area and he said that it didn't cause him discomfort. So I told him there was nothing to worry about, it was just a virus and to take some penicillin and he'd be fine."
But, the trouble didn't stop there, he left and then returned demanding a mono test, a strep culture and a urinary analysis. The head physician, Dr. Darnell explained to the uninsured dreg that mono is only present in the blood after a week, then he said that the strep culture would not be neccessary as uninsured people don't contract strep. As far as the bloody urine, they took a U.A. sample from him and then discarded it after he left.
Said patient applied for State insurance, but unfortunately makes $25 more than what he should to be able to apply for Minnesota U Care program.

Burntville. Centered in the midst of pews and altars sat a ring, hundreds of salivating red-neck wrestling fans waiting for the death blow from The Angel to Brutus "The Bible" Beetcake. Then, from above, Ted "The Thousand Dollar Man" DeBois, swung down dressed like Jesus and began preaching the gospel.
The fans, looking like deer in headlights, sat there slack-jawed and drooling. Most of the reaction can be summed up in one word, "Duhhhhh-rrrrrr?"
In an attempt to lure fans of rabid violence to Jesus, the Dubya Dubya EE (formerly the Dubya Dubya Eff, has gone on a worldwide campaign to bring avid wrestling fans to the light.
"It's not that easy." says the new Rev. DeBois, "We've revved these people into craving violence, and all the soap opera drama during the Dubya Dubya EE's regular matches on television. Now we're trying to bring a message to all these people."
DeBois story starts out like every "VH 1 Behind the Music" story we've all heard. He got famous on the wrestling circuit, got rich, started to abuse chemicals, slept around on his wife, got busted, started losing money, blah, blah blah, found Jesus, and is now pushing it on other people.
"I'd like to talk more on this, but I've got a bra and panties match to announce..." DeBois went into the ring to announce the bra and panties match where two muscular hot women wrestle in their bra and panties, the winner must remove each article of clothing from their opponent. Once again, before there was an all-out battle when Girty lil Tramp was about to take her opponent while wearing nothing but her panties and a thick layer of baby oil, DeBois came down from the rafters like Jesus again, preaching about sin, and then lil Tramp locked a head scissors on him while her opponent, Busty Britches smothered him with her endowments. DeBois cried out, "Help me, Jesus! Help me!"
One spectator replied, "I'm confused, I don't know whether to fornicate with myself or pray??"
Originally starting out as the Ay Dubya Ay, then Dubya Dubya Eff, then a branch called the Ex Ef El (an extreme football legue that failed), now the company is called the Dubya Dubya Ee, and this new branch of the organization is called the Dubya Dubya Jay Dee (or the WWJD).

Faremount. The opening of the latest installment in the Star Wars saga starting screening across America at midnight Wednesday. Bringing out geeks and freaks in all their Star Wars regalia. From Chewbacca, Jedi's, Darth Vaders and even, yes...the tooth fairy!
One Sparkles Spinner, age 5, went to see the Revenge of the Sith with her mom, mom's boyfriend, nanna, and older sister. The movie, in and of itself a good story with a lot of action, and a lot of violence. While fighting off her mother's sheilding hands during the movie, Sparkles fell asleep in her mom's lap. That was when, the tooth fairy struck.
"I was just sitting there admiring the way Yoda talks like Grover if he was dyslexic, and I went to check on Sparkles and there was blood dripping out of her mouth." the frantic mother, one Suzanne Spinner commented, "I looked in her mouth and her tooth was missing! I asked my boyfriend if he had a napkin and he didn't! Can you beleive that? He didn't even have a napkin!!"
When asked why he didn't have a napkin, Spinner's boyfriend commented, "Duhrrrrrrrr...."
The tooth is still missing and Sparkles still awaits some ching under her pillow from the tooth fairy. She is also in counseling with her sister after watching Anakin Skywalker (aka Darth Vader) having cut down Jedi children, and then having his own limbs removed and then watching him slowly burn to a crisp.

St. Paul. My recent letter to the bacteria that has infected me prompted it to respond in kind, but not kindly. Below is a summary of our recent correspondance.

Dear Hair-e-Guy,

It was with deep sadness that I read your previous letter. Your bitter tone suggests to me that humans do not find it flattering to join a traveling circus freak show, as I would. However, while I'm sorry the incurible medical dictionary photographs may have been a source of shame for you, I have to admit that they fill me with pride. Come now, I'm not really incurable, am I? Gosh I had no idea. With regard to your concern about drug resistence, I can assure you that I am not the vicious fighter you take me for. Buddy, the main thing us bacteria like to do is divide. For us dividing is more fun than barn dances, crocheting, watching Will and Grace, karoke or snorting meth. No, for us cell division is the bee's knees. After dividing ten million times, I get kind of tired. Breathing is harder; I'm not anaerobic, you know kiddo. Then, as I try to sit down and rest for a second and wipe the sweat from my furroughed brow, I get a knock at the door of my cell. Who is it? A sexy platelet for a hot date? A pissed off white blood cell who just wants to yell at me a bit for kicking his ass? The pizza guy? Nope. All I hear is bang, bang, bang, "open the door, this is Keflex! We have a prescription!" Before I can even roll off of my nice new bacteria ed the door gets kicked in and these...these foreigners just come right in and start hassling me. It was such bullshit. Next thing you know they're kicking me around, demanding to know what I'm doing here, asking me for ID, saying they're gonna culture my wives and children, and take my DNA. Worst of all, they said they would kill me. Well, I thought it was just a bad dream but the next day there were a hundred more at the door, then a thousand, then ten thousand, a freaking army man.

Minneapolis. The Minnesota Twins will be playing in a new stadium built in honor of Adolf Hitler. At least according to conspiracy theorist/Nazi hunter/historian Dim Undersen.
Looking at the model of the new proposed and so far approved new stadium, Undersen said that the roof supports of the stadium with a retractable roof form a swastika. And it can be clearly seen from a certain angle, from above and below.
The German architect balked at the accusation. "Zat ist ridiculiss! I vill pay herr Underzen a visit and hav a tok wizz him!"
Looking at the model, one can see the beautiful statues of Atlantean gods on each corner. The plaque in front of the door reading "Rudolph Hisler Memorial Stadium". The showers under the bleachers are attached to a natural gas line, for hot water I'm assuming. There are also huge furnaces under home plate with generic rooms and the star of David emblazoned on the walls.
The Twins will also be wearing brown uniforms after their first season in the new stadium, donning the Minnesota Twins new name and logo, the name Minnesota Twins will now be the Minnesota Gestapo, to give a more intimidating feel to it. The new logo is a design of the roof of the new stadium, that I guess if in the right light does look like a swasticka.

St. Paul. Just as Minnesota legislators sit down to vote on the reinstatement of the Gun Bill to allow more Minnesotan's to tote a pistola anywhere they done want to, many Democratic members received a threatening email.
"We will send people to your homes to harass you, and look in your windows, If this does not work, we have information on you and your family, and we will use it in any way shape or form to get our bill passed." read the email.
As legislation sits on this bill while an investigation insues lets look at the logic of this email. O.K. there is none. Personally, the R.A.G. Files doesn't have a problem with people carrying arms, I've got two of 'em, my one uncle has one and a half. Seriously, responsible people should have the right to carry firearms if they so chose. It's a constitutional right. But unfortunately, as with every right we have, there is always idiots out there that abuse the hell out of them and we get our rights limited. Let's face it, the above email will not help only hinder the vote on gun carrying.
All of this would not have happened if Guv Nah Plenty would've thought about the law when he first passed it. He allowed every Minnesotan to buy and carry a weapon without any details or laws that would govern who would get them. He left that up to local governments.
I'm thinking that the bill will go through, no matter what. Maybe prolonged a bit, but it will go through. And I think that Plenty has only just begun passing stupid laws for stupid people. But if you watch the things he goes after, you'll also notice who his supporters are, who campaigned for him and who financed him.

Red Earth. The following is an actual letter sent to the Faremount Centennial. It was a reaction to Red Earth's plan to open a liquor store near Interstate 90. It got me so much that I had to reprint it here for your viewing pleasure:

"To the Editor:
I'm writing in regard to the May 12th editorial that lauded the Red Earth City Council for leaving any moralizing out of its decision to construct a new liquor store. I am going to say this as politely as I possibly can that I couldn't disagree more strongly.
For those who suggest there is nothing immoral or wrong with alcohol, I kindly suggest you get on the internet tonight and hunt up some statistics concerning the destructive effects of the stuff. Even so-called "moderate" drinking can have damaging effects not only for the person drinking, but to those around them.
Look, if there is nothing immoral about enjoying a couple of beers or a glass of wine every once in awhile, then why do we have churches and organizations, such as AA, across the countryforever trying to clean up after the messes created by it? As much as some may try to deny it, liquor will always be a moral issue, and it is the decision to leave morals only in the home or church that is destroying this once great nation.
I challenge anybody anywhere to show me where alcohol has ever had a good side effect. Name one real benefit of drinking. Furthermore, placing this store near Interstate 90 is especially foolish. I wonder exactly what safeguards will be in place to prevent people from stopping in town, getting their drinks and hitting the road again?
Thursday's editorial mentioned that just because a city sells liquor does not mean the city is condoning alcohol abuse. Maybe not intentionally, but that city certainly is not doing anything to help prevent it either. Look, this stuff turns otherwise decent people into wife beaters, child abusers, fornicators, rapists and murderers. It kills people both on and off the road. It destroys marraiges and families.
Some people may be asking if I've ever tried the stuff to know for sure I don't like it. Let me ask those people this question: Have you ever laid your head under a semi truck? You don't have to try something to know that it's bad for you. In conclusion, let me simply say that I will forever be an enemy of liquor. Also, if you've been involved with the stuff, God still loves you. And He'll forgive your sins if you repent and trust in Jesus Christ to save you. -Jaden Soreatson, Faremount".

In reply, to this self-righteous man...dude, nobody's asking you to try it. And if you think drinking is a sin, what the hell do you do when you take communion in church? And didn't Jesus make water into wine during a wedding? Hmmmm....do we have the same Bible??

Washington, D.C. The White House was on alert again as there was an unidentified flying object flying into restricted airspace above the Executive mansion.
A red alert was called out and many members of the senate were evacuated including Vice President Dickie, First Lady Laura Dubya and Former First Lady Reagan. President Dubya was out riding his bicycle in Connecticut.
The alert came out as this location was one of the intended targets of the 9-11 attacks. After F-16 fighter jets and blackhawk helicopters were dispatched to the airspace, they identified the object as a flock of Canadian Geese who were lost during the migration period.
The F-16 jets fired a warning flare at the geese, who in turn took a shat on their windshields. There was a heated dog fight that ended with 6 of the flock dead and a blackhawk copter down. The flock was taken down in East Texas by National Guardsmen and local hunters.
"Great!" Gee Dubya proclaimed, "Now Al quieda is training Canadian Gooses to attack Americans! I'm afraid I'm going to have to invade Canada now!"

Lake Genteva. Prom, a night that most students look forward to. Dressing up, limos, dates, dancing, partying, cross-dressing.....?
Senior Jock, Jerry Loafee went to his prom with a guy friend of his and decided he would be the bitch. Dressed scantly in a tight black spaghetti-strap dress and platform shoes and a blonde wig, he looked forward to a night of fun with his friends. Only to be turned away at the door. This did not stop Loafee who returned wearing a black and tan plaid tux, complete with velcro straps. When in the dance hall, Loafee ripped off the tux and gyrated his way through the crowd and became the queen of the ball.
A security guard nabbed his cross-dressing ass and booted him out just before he was crowned Prom Queen.
Loafee faces charges of disorderly conduct and a fine of $245, and he is also suspended from his next sports activity. Loafee, an avid athlete for Lake Genteva Intolerance High School, said he was singled out.
Principal Rottinger said, "We cannot have this sort of hedonistic, immorality in our schools! I don't care if he is a great athlete or not! What's next? Pretty soon our female students will be dressing up in tuxedos or wanting to wear pants for God's sakes!"
Rottinger added that if there was going to be any gyrating, it could only be in a hetero sexual way, no "rod-on-rod" action will be tolerated at the school functions.
The incident has created a new post of rules and regulations now immortalized on a plaque when you walk into the school:
1. Thou shalt lust for the opposite sex.
2. Thou shalt not lust for the same sex.
3. Males must wear male clothing, in drab colors.
4. Females must wear knee length skirts or flower print dresses.
5. There shall be no comedic antics during your adolecent lifetime.
6. No laughing or enjoying your education.
7. You will not act like a teenager, but more like a young republican.

Harry Guye DOB: 10.18.73
Height: 5 ft. 8 in.
Wight: 180 lbs and probably still growing
Manboobs? YES!!

Last seen with:
Spamy the SPAM Guy DOB:1941
Height: 4 ft. x 4 ft.
weight: 100 lbs.
Skin: blue with gold trim, red innards once top is peeled back.
Manboobs? N/A

If you see either one of these individuals contact local law enforcement forthwith. Do not approach. Spamy may be carrying high density lipoproteins which can clog arterial pathways to truth and justice. Spamy may appear jovial but he should be considered firece, powerful and resolute.

Harry is an area mentally unsound man with self injurious behaviors and the attention span of a flea. He is a big boy who waddles like a duck and farts like a swamp whenever agitated, excited, afraid or agitated. Approach cautiously, holding sugary custard filled baked good at arms length while saying "yum, yum, yum" in an encouraging tone of voice. He will respond.

North Carolina. It's not a free country, at least according to God. Sparking controversy across the country, a small southern Baptist church stands amid a crisis.
In the mountain country, people were allowed their privacy, their own opinion; unless they walked into the God Hates Demon-crats Holy Baptist Church of Bush. Pastor Chin Chindler gave a sermon during last year's election stating that if one of the congregation voted for John Kerry, then they should "repent or resign". Thinking this was only a political joke, most members brushed off the comment. Until a meeting was held that ousted 2 deacons and other long term members of the church because they voted for Kerry and not Gee Dubya.
"God-uh, doesn't love a demon-crat-uh!" Pastor Chindler howled, "God-uh, hates the demoncrats-uh! Praise-uh Jesus! If'n the Lord done said it once in the Holy Gospel-uh...'if'n thine arms offend thee, then cut thine off-uh!' So I shall cut off those that offendeth thee-uh!"
Democratic members of the church were marched out of the church, crucified upside-down, and then burnt like witches.
"May they-uh die a good christian death-uh!" was the pastor's mass eulogy.
The members that survived the mass crucifixion were invited back into the church when Chindler was brought to the media attention. They showed up with their lawyers.
"I done hope ya'll came-uh here to praise-uh Gee Dubya!" he bellowed from his pulpit, "Or you'll be-uh fried frickasee fer the Lord-uh, again!"
Chindler has since resigned his post from the church stating that he didn't want to endanger his family from the demoncrats. Other members left the church with him stating that they couldn't handle worchip with people who were intolerant of their ideals.

Texas. Yes, thats right. Private Lyndie England was found "not guilty" of the charges of torturing and humiliation of Iraqi and alegged terrorists.
"Well, I didn't really know what I was doing was wrong." England stated, "I thought that since my friends were doing it, it was okay."
The judge heard another of the accused as well who stated that, "It was part of a training video that we were making."
After the testimonies, the judge said that he would throw the case out of court as he couldn't decide whether the incident was part of the training video or not. In which case human rights don't exist. Asked if those were our men in uniform being treated simularly by the enemy and they said it was all part of their training, how would he handle that.
"Totally different situation!" he barked at this reporter, "What are you? Some kind of terrorist lover? Them damn sand (racial explative) deserve what they got! Have you forgotten 9-11??"
"No," I said, "I haven't forgotten 9-11, do you really think the victims of that horrible day would think this treatment justified. Does the fact that our soldiers acting like animals bring those victims the justice they deserve?"
I was then written on a list, (of what I'm not sure), and then asked to leave the judges chambers. Hang on, there's a knock on my door....

Brewman. Yoga? Pilate's? Ti Chi? No, no and no! If there is any self-disclipline that will make Hair-e-guy into a better person it will be the Violence Das Boot Kampf held at the Lost Bird Violence Academy for Hot Headed Half-Breeds.
Having the "kahuna's" to step up to the "slightly" gay waiter at Spaghetti Jerks Restaurant in Minneapolis, Hair-e-guy decided that he no longer wanted to be the peace-loving, tree-hugging, liberal that he has evolved into, and wanted another taste of that violent feeling that errupted from last weekend.
"It was terrible!" Hair-e-guy exclaimed, "I had that waiter eating out of my...hands, and then a half hour later I felt bad and apologized to him."
It was then that Hair-e learned of his counterpart's school for violence. Lost Bird, opened the academy some 12 years ago when he needed a place to vent his rage positively. "My mom always told me to turn the other cheek," Lost Bird claims, "But I got sick of people punching my other cheek when I turned it. So I developed this system to work out some of my...anger issues."
On Hair-e's first day, he was subjected to violence inspiring music. Lost Bird strapped Hair-e into a lawn chair and then duct taped a set of pink headphones on his head. With 117 decibels of Filter's "Hey, man Nice Shot." blaring into his ears consistently over and over again.
"Now close your eyes, Hair-e, and tell me what feeling comes to mind." Lost Bird asks him.
"Ummmmm," Hair-e twitching at the left side of his mouth, "I...uh....feel like driving real fast in a Saab?"
"NO!! NO!! Your vision is all wrong! Driving fast in a Saab? A big monster truck with a snowplow grinding the bones of your oppressors maybe, but a damn Saab?"
"Uh, okay, now I feel like peeing my pants?"
"NO! Peeing your pants? Slamming the face of your opponent into a mohagony bar edge and then pounding the piss out of them with the barstool and then kicking them in the kidneys til bloody piss stains the front of their jeans, maybe! Fer Chrissakes!"
The session ended abruptly as Hair-e looked like a deer in headlights screaming, "Can I go and plant some herbs now?"
Going back to his gardening and leaving Lost Bird with slim hopes. "He's too nice of a guy! Tomorrow I'll have to use Led Zepplin's 'When the Levee Breaks'! If that doesn't work then its the Door's 'Roadhouse Blues'. That song always instigates the violence in me!"

St. Paul. It was reported in the Pioneer Press this morning that a young boy had taken ill after kissing his pet mouse, which was later discovered to be carrying a common form of necrotizing fecal bacterial. The boy later recovered but not without counseling. When questioned about the incident, the boy replied, “I love my mouse.” But this was not satisfactory to local prosecutors, who decided to charge the boy as an adult for aggravated mouse kissing, a felony. If the boy is found guilty at trial, he could be required to wear embarrassing head gear, a home monitoring device and formally register with police as a mouse kisser.

The mouse, meanwhile claims that the kiss was consensual, if not pleasant. “It was too sloppy,” he squeaked, when asked for a comment. When asked if he felt the kiss was inappropriate, the mouse replied, “He feeds me. I’m a mouse. What do you want?”

Ramsey County Human Services offers the following advice regarding kissing and rodents:

• Only kiss a rodent if it appears sedate or non-aggressive.
  
• Do not kiss a rodent while it is attempting to move its bowels. It may be toxic.
  
• It is not advisable to kiss a rodent that has been deceased longer than five days.
  
• Do not kiss a rodent if it is lying on its back with its feet up in the air and has little X’s over its eyes
  
• Always get permission from the pet’s biological parents before attempting to kiss it.
  
• Only platonic kissing like a “peck on the cheek” is advisable. Other types of kisses are strictly discouraged
  
• If your pet rodent tests positive for nectrotizing bacteria, wait at least three hours before kissing it.
  
• Wash hands and mouth rigorously with undiluted bleach no longer than one month after handling a pet with matted feces in its hair.
  
• If for whatever reason you must kiss a feces laden rodent, try to kiss an area that is feces free, such as the whiskers.

• Snakes, turtles, and lizards are exempt from these rules. For safety, only kiss a turtle on its shell. Kissing snakes is inadvisable even if it has a friendly disposition.

Brewman. Responding to a public desire to honor fallen bongs, the Bongs of Foreign Wars committee has dedicated a new memorial to bongs that paid the ultimate price for their country. The memorial will be formally opened with a 21 toke salute. Veterans free.

Rev. Nommen of Pharmacists For Life welcomes all thrifty whites to his new drug store, Thrifty White Drug. Rev. Nommen reminds you that prayer is the best medicine when Lord Jesus is your pharmacist.

Rearmount. Responding to a growing need for more Christian bigotry, Pharmacists For Life, a group that is dedicated to denying birth control to un-married women, has opened a pharmacy in Rearmount. Owned and operated by Pharmacists For Life member Rev. Noel Nommen, the store is called Thrifty White Drug and in addition to not carrying birth control, AIDS drugs, prescription and non-prescription pain medications, analgesics and anti-infammatory drugs, panty hose, condoms, pregnancy tests, cough syrup, sudafed, bandages, and hemmoroid cream. The store, as the name suggests will not allow black people to purchase products, except hair straightener, which will be sold to them outside if they bring exact change, take off their hats and look at their feet for the duration of the transaction.

"We're not racist," insists Rev. Nommen, who has no pharmacology training but has a two-week ministerial training certificate from an online bible college. "See, we're keeping out the knee-grows, but we is also keep out some whites too. The store is called Thrifty White Drug. Whenever we have a white customer who is not thrifty, we send him away and he can't return. For instance, one guy came in here and tried to pay for five chocolate bars when his obesity indicated he clearly only needed one chocolate bar. That is gluttony and gluttony is not thrifty, and Jesus will punish it and so will I. Thrifty means saving money scrupulously, so if you intend to spend lots of money like some hedonistic money spender, then do not come to my God-fearing store please."

When asked why Thrifty White Drug refused to carry so many drugs, Rev. Nommen explained that pain relievers take pain away that Jesus wants us to feel. Cough syrup and sudafed have been abused as cheap intoxicants by bored teenagers and thus they have no legitimate medical uses, asserted the Rev. There is nothing wrong with analgesics; in fact some, like asprin can save a person's life during a heart attack. "Its a shame we can't carry those," says the minister/pharmacist, "but the first four letters of analgesics are a-n-a-l, so there is no telling what kind of sodomy they might inspire." The drug store will not carry panty hose, "because they inspire lustful thinking in the perverted." Hemmoroid ointment cannot be sold because, "I'm afraid the gays might use it in preparation for sodomy, as an alternative to anal lube, which we also do not sell."

With so many banned drugs and pharmacy products, one wonders what Thrifty White Drug does sell. "We sell drug testing kits that parents can use to test their children. If the test results in a positive, a GPS tracking device automatically sends a signal to the nearest SWAT team so that the parent does not even have to call the police." Thrifty White Drug will also sell bibles, and lots of 'em. "If you're truly sick and not just taking drugs to kill babies or get high, you really only need prayer and bibles. If you're having a heart attack, get down on your knees and pray. You shouldn't be thinking about asprin or any other drug when you're about to meet your maker, right?"

Thrifty White Drug has been open for two weeks but will hold its Grand Opening Celebration one month after opening. Rev. Nommen has already placed flyers around Rearmount welcoming all thrifty whites to join in the fun.

Hennipen County. Let's see, when I was a boy (um, I'm still a boy, just older) I remember going to this place called the Met Stadium and watching Rod Carew play one of my favorite sports. The Minnesota Twins were playing against Milwaukee, and they won. Back then, professional athletes gladly autographed baseballs and books and what-not of eager fanboys. They didn't charge $50 an autograph, they didn't snub their young audience or shove them into hotel walls.
The Met was an outdoor stadium, when hotdogs were a buck fitty, and beer well...I was too young to drink so I don't know. It wasn't until much later when the Twins won the World series decided they wanted an indoor stadium. So with much debate, and much sadness, the Met stadium was torn down and the Hubert H. Humphrey MetroDome went up. It was a few years later and then they decided they wanted an outdoor stadium again.
So the Minnesota government pondered how they would pay for such a stadium. The Twins at the time were threatening to leave Minnesota, one player was in trouble for shoving a 12 year old fan into a hotel wall for asking for his autograph. So the decision sat in purgatory.
Guv nah Plenty put it before the Minnesota Native American tribes that were successful in the running and operating of local casinos to open and run one for the state to fund the new outdoor stadium. After scalping the Guv Nah and leaving him in the fetal position, the tribes pulled out their support.
Now, brought before the Hennipen county commisioners, they have passed a tax increase to support the stadium. Twins owner, Carl Powloch, would front just over $100 million while the rest of the burden would be on the backs of taxpayers. Seeing that Minnesota is already one of the higest taxed states, plus the growing price of gas, the gas tax hike, the sin tax on alcohol and cigarettes, why not raise them more? Well, the proposal is now before state legislature, but we know how these things will work out. This is a Republican state, and millionaire Powloch will be even richer, and middleclass Minnesota will have to listen to the Twins on their radios since they won't be able to afford to go to a game at the new stadium.
I will sit and laugh when the Twins decide that they want an indoor stadium when their games get rained out.

Winona. Is it okay to love your vagina? Obviously not. After attending a "Vagina Monologues" concert at Winona State University, one student bought a button reading "I (heart) my vagina" and wore it to school. Winona High School officials told her the button was offensive and sent her home.
The button, she says, was worn in protest against "Violence Against Women", (I know, could have been a more clever analogy like "Violence Against Girls" or V.A.G.), but on a serious note, the fact that this student is being kicked out of school for having the word vagina on a t-shirt or a button is ludacris.
Basically, the school is saying it's okay for them to say, use and teach material that mentions "vagina" to the students, but students cannot wear anything that says "vagina". How many times does the current biology and anatomy text books mention "vagina"? Try 275 times including the indexes and table of contents. Are these books going to be banned?
It's not like this student was wearing something that had a slang term for the female anatomy, or saying bad things about it. She just loves it. If she were to wear a shirt that said "I (heart) my Pancreas" would the same happen?
This story just goes to show you the hypocrisy in our schools. Something the R.A.G. Files likes to point out as much as they can. In the meantime, I'm going to try and buy the male version of this shirt saying: "I support your vagina."

Midwest. It was reported recently two women in Minnesota and Wisconsin were turned away by pharmacists when they sought to have prescriptions for birth control filled. According to the views of the rational, intelligent fundamentalist pharmacists, pregnancy begins at the moment of conception, the moment the egg is fertilized and thus any form of birth control that destroys the fertilized egg constitutes “abortion.” This view contradicts the standard definition of pregnancy established by western medical science, which asserts that a fertilized egg must attach itself to the wall of a woman’s uterus before pregnancy can be declared. Therefore a fertilized egg that is averted from attaching itself to the uterine wall by means of artificial, chemical means is considered contraception, not abortion by the standards and practices of western medical science.

For now the fundamentalist definition of "life" is fertilization. This definition does not go nearly far enough in upholding biblical law over scientific truth. Life begins in the split second that one person looks at another person of the opposite sex with lust in their heart, and Jesus knows it!


This is why a heroic group called Pharmacists For Life is denouncing communists everywhere and fighting for laws that protect the sacred menses of ovulating women (SMOOW). See, every time a woman has her menses, she is cruelly aborting an egg that Jesus put there to become LIFE. Every time a man spills his seed wantonly, he is guilty of genocide against man-seed. Pharmacists For Life wants the death penalty imposed on any who waste eggs or spill man-seeds and they want the government to impose a 30 year prison term on heathens who accidently spill their man-seed during a nocturnal emission. Such accidents are the result of a reckless, lust filled imagination that can be avoided with the correct amount of self-imposed discipline and loving punishment!

It is surprising that Lord Baby Jesus has not smitten down any who hath spilled thou man-seeds or thou menstrual eggs, but the fact that He hath not is a sign that He hath empowereth others to do so.

Ovulation is Life and man-seed is Life, and those who forsake the incredible living egg are those who hate life and Immaculate Tender Ever Loving Baby Jesus. It is the biblical law that sayeth: "thou shalt eat fruits and learneth multiplications." Praise God!

He also sayeth, "forget Me not, for I am the King of thy Man-Seeds and and the Master of Eggs." Praise God!

"He who hath spilt his seed upon My kingdom shall become the sod beneath the serpent's turf," Can I get an a-men-ah?

"That seed which hast been split during dreams of the night, shall ariseth from the sheets to annoy the spiller of the seed with cursed ramblings and fearful lamentations." Let Him be prrrraised-ah!

"Those eggs which go thither from thine Egg Places only to break upon the Earth will form a Court Of Justice and Judge the Egg Holder on the Appointed Day of Judgement." Halelluja He is Risen-ah!

"On the last day, let the man-seed judge the man and let the eggs judge the egg holder and let the millions vent their seedy or eggish rage upon them that cast out their seed or egg like the just cast out by the wicked or the orphan who is given away or the beggar who is booted out or the entertainer who is eighty sixed. " Booya!

Only once the Earth is entirely peopled with unwanted children, only once every married couple hath made dozens of children will God's will be fully fufilled.


Down with science! Prrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaise Jay-zus!

Georgia. A runaway bride! Julia Roberts move over! A bride-to-be faces charges for staging a kidnapping/missing persons incident. The woman was found in New Mexico and said she had cold feet about the upcoming nuptials. First of all, this woman doesn't need all the media attention that she's getting, but let's face it, there hasn't been much in sensationalism as of late. The groom-to-be's family stated that if he still wants to marry her, and she's willing, they will welcome her to the family. Georgia, huh? What are the chances she probably is one of the family?

Texas. One of the many guards from Abu Graib prison in Iraq is on trial now. Lynndie England stands accused of brutality to prisoners of war. Made famous by the internet photo's of her standing by Iraqi prisoners being tortured or humiliated going against the Geneva contract. England, seen posing with her thumb up, next to a masked prisoner hung up by his hands, pointing to his genitals, another next to a naked pyramid of Iraqi prisoners, among other atrocities. One thinks that her and her "kind" should be sent to prison and then stripped naked and photographed in embarassing positions and then sent across the internet which the R.A.G. Files would be happy to post. Of course, if you've seen pictures of this he/she, you probably wouldn't read the RAG anymore.

Nebraska. A report of checks that were sent by a Jerry Fadone to his friend Brad Bootlicker in Minnesota were never received. The first of the series of checks was cashed by someone in Faremount, the second has not turned up yet. Mr. Bootlicker needing the money to help with his finacial status, is now homeless. Sheriff Gephardt of the Moon Valley Sheriff's department stated that he was going to get to the bottom of this. Then, after Jail Administrator Sparky Geerdles told him that Mr. Bootlicker was on "the" list, Sheriff Gephardt yelled, "Case Closed!!"

Iran. Because the United States isn't happy until it pisses everyone off, Iran stated that it will go forward with it's plans for Nuclear weapons. "Only for peaceful purposes, of course." stated Iranian Prime Minister of Technology. He then went on to say that Isreal and the U.S. will pay for any interference in their nuclear program. Then he preceeded to piss on the American flag and then on the Star of David. President Gee Dubya was stated as replying, "Oh, gosh."

St. Paul. It was a weekend hiatus from the doldrums of Faremount. A trip to Hair-e-guy's and girlfriend Sara Spinner's apartment. A time to chat, drink, hang out (without kids) with girlfriend, and to spend time with the patriarch of the Spinner clan, Lawrence.
Suzanne and I made it up at about 6pm and were getting hungry waiting for Lawrence and his new girlfriend J.niffer to show up. So Sara suggested a wonderful Turkish take away spot. So off they went while Hair-e-guy and I hung bonding as males do (talking about spring fashions, the joy of deco pauge, Weinhardt beer, and the bacon strips in our underwear).
As the two lovely Spinner women came back with a delicious Turkish delight, Lawrence and his girlfriend came in as well.
We all dashed to a common place called Spaghetti Jerks, just off of Cedar Avenue in Minneapolis. At first, Lawrence and myself a little angry at the fact that the entire city of Minneapolis has gone smoke-free, but at least there were drinks available within Spaghetti Jerks.
The atmosphere was pleasant. High ceilings, a dine-in trolley in the middle of the restaurant, and good ambiance.
Eric, a short bit-snobbish gay man, was our waiter. Half of our party ordered pasta, the rest of us: myself and Suzanne ordered a peice of Mud Pie and Turtle Cheesecake and we split a bottle of wine. Her sister and Hair-e ordered the salad a cup a coffee and a glass of wine.
As we finished our salads and our pies, some of our party noticed something awry. The part of us that ordered pasta still hadn't received their pasta! And they ordered it an hour before. Hair-e, trying on the balls he bought at the Army Surplus store on Grand Avenue in St. Paul, calls Eric over and tells him, "Hey, these people have been waiting for like a half hour for their food, you'se better have something out here for them in like 5 minutes, capice?"
Eric was like, "Yeth, right away, thir." "And my girlfriend here ain't seen coffee since yesterday, and she's asked for it like 3 times already."
Within minutes, the food was rushed out. But alas, Sara with no coffee. So I see this guy with a tie on and I calls him over.
"Yes, sir?" he is smiling a worried smile.
"Yeh, dese folks ordered their food an hour ago and they just got it at like 10:10 in the PM, the blonde over there asked for coffee like 6 times and ain't seen it yet, so how do you think the restaurant should compensate us?"
"I'm sorry, sir, Mr. Corleone, sir."
The manager came out with a hot pot of coffee for Sara and a bill with 50% taken off of it. I was happy and so was everyone else until the watchful eye of the lovely long legged Suzanne Spinner noticed they doubled up everything on the ticket and then cut it in half. She went after Eric with a vengeance. He hurriedly took the ticket and fixed it.
As we left and sat in the lobby awaiting Lawrence to pay for the ticket, we decided to light up. Just then, two debutantes rushed out with a can of binaca in hand to mace my girlfriend for breaking the smoking ban.
Suzanne thanked them for the warning and we went to the street to smoke and wait for the rest of them. We were all laughing about the entire incident when one of the debutantes came out pretending to wash the windows. After listening to our conversation for awhile, she broke in, "We have very sensitive sprinkler systems in the lobby, I don't think you people want to get wet, do you?" she snarled sarcastically.
"No," Suzanne replied. "we just don't want you eavesdropping on us!"
So ends the sordid tale of the Spaghetti Jerks Incident. But in all honesty, the Mud Pie was pretty good.