Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Thou Shalt Not Vote
North Carolina. It's not a free country, at least according to God. Sparking controversy across the country, a small southern Baptist church stands amid a crisis.
In the mountain country, people were allowed their privacy, their own opinion; unless they walked into the God Hates Demon-crats Holy Baptist Church of Bush. Pastor Chin Chindler gave a sermon during last year's election stating that if one of the congregation voted for John Kerry, then they should "repent or resign". Thinking this was only a political joke, most members brushed off the comment. Until a meeting was held that ousted 2 deacons and other long term members of the church because they voted for Kerry and not Gee Dubya.
"God-uh, doesn't love a demon-crat-uh!" Pastor Chindler howled, "God-uh, hates the demoncrats-uh! Praise-uh Jesus! If'n the Lord done said it once in the Holy Gospel-uh...'if'n thine arms offend thee, then cut thine off-uh!' So I shall cut off those that offendeth thee-uh!"
Democratic members of the church were marched out of the church, crucified upside-down, and then burnt like witches.
"May they-uh die a good christian death-uh!" was the pastor's mass eulogy.
The members that survived the mass crucifixion were invited back into the church when Chindler was brought to the media attention. They showed up with their lawyers.
"I done hope ya'll came-uh here to praise-uh Gee Dubya!" he bellowed from his pulpit, "Or you'll be-uh fried frickasee fer the Lord-uh, again!"
Chindler has since resigned his post from the church stating that he didn't want to endanger his family from the demoncrats. Other members left the church with him stating that they couldn't handle worchip with people who were intolerant of their ideals.
In the mountain country, people were allowed their privacy, their own opinion; unless they walked into the God Hates Demon-crats Holy Baptist Church of Bush. Pastor Chin Chindler gave a sermon during last year's election stating that if one of the congregation voted for John Kerry, then they should "repent or resign". Thinking this was only a political joke, most members brushed off the comment. Until a meeting was held that ousted 2 deacons and other long term members of the church because they voted for Kerry and not Gee Dubya.
"God-uh, doesn't love a demon-crat-uh!" Pastor Chindler howled, "God-uh, hates the demoncrats-uh! Praise-uh Jesus! If'n the Lord done said it once in the Holy Gospel-uh...'if'n thine arms offend thee, then cut thine off-uh!' So I shall cut off those that offendeth thee-uh!"
Democratic members of the church were marched out of the church, crucified upside-down, and then burnt like witches.
"May they-uh die a good christian death-uh!" was the pastor's mass eulogy.
The members that survived the mass crucifixion were invited back into the church when Chindler was brought to the media attention. They showed up with their lawyers.
"I done hope ya'll came-uh here to praise-uh Gee Dubya!" he bellowed from his pulpit, "Or you'll be-uh fried frickasee fer the Lord-uh, again!"
Chindler has since resigned his post from the church stating that he didn't want to endanger his family from the demoncrats. Other members left the church with him stating that they couldn't handle worchip with people who were intolerant of their ideals.
