Thursday, May 05, 2005
Pharmacists For Life Opens Drug Store In Rearmount
Rearmount. Responding to a growing need for more Christian bigotry, Pharmacists For Life, a group that is dedicated to denying birth control to un-married women, has opened a pharmacy in Rearmount. Owned and operated by Pharmacists For Life member Rev. Noel Nommen, the store is called Thrifty White Drug and in addition to not carrying birth control, AIDS drugs, prescription and non-prescription pain medications, analgesics and anti-infammatory drugs, panty hose, condoms, pregnancy tests, cough syrup, sudafed, bandages, and hemmoroid cream. The store, as the name suggests will not allow black people to purchase products, except hair straightener, which will be sold to them outside if they bring exact change, take off their hats and look at their feet for the duration of the transaction.
"We're not racist," insists Rev. Nommen, who has no pharmacology training but has a two-week ministerial training certificate from an online bible college. "See, we're keeping out the knee-grows, but we is also keep out some whites too. The store is called Thrifty White Drug. Whenever we have a white customer who is not thrifty, we send him away and he can't return. For instance, one guy came in here and tried to pay for five chocolate bars when his obesity indicated he clearly only needed one chocolate bar. That is gluttony and gluttony is not thrifty, and Jesus will punish it and so will I. Thrifty means saving money scrupulously, so if you intend to spend lots of money like some hedonistic money spender, then do not come to my God-fearing store please."
When asked why Thrifty White Drug refused to carry so many drugs, Rev. Nommen explained that pain relievers take pain away that Jesus wants us to feel. Cough syrup and sudafed have been abused as cheap intoxicants by bored teenagers and thus they have no legitimate medical uses, asserted the Rev. There is nothing wrong with analgesics; in fact some, like asprin can save a person's life during a heart attack. "Its a shame we can't carry those," says the minister/pharmacist, "but the first four letters of analgesics are a-n-a-l, so there is no telling what kind of sodomy they might inspire." The drug store will not carry panty hose, "because they inspire lustful thinking in the perverted." Hemmoroid ointment cannot be sold because, "I'm afraid the gays might use it in preparation for sodomy, as an alternative to anal lube, which we also do not sell."
With so many banned drugs and pharmacy products, one wonders what Thrifty White Drug does sell. "We sell drug testing kits that parents can use to test their children. If the test results in a positive, a GPS tracking device automatically sends a signal to the nearest SWAT team so that the parent does not even have to call the police." Thrifty White Drug will also sell bibles, and lots of 'em. "If you're truly sick and not just taking drugs to kill babies or get high, you really only need prayer and bibles. If you're having a heart attack, get down on your knees and pray. You shouldn't be thinking about asprin or any other drug when you're about to meet your maker, right?"
Thrifty White Drug has been open for two weeks but will hold its Grand Opening Celebration one month after opening. Rev. Nommen has already placed flyers around Rearmount welcoming all thrifty whites to join in the fun.
"We're not racist," insists Rev. Nommen, who has no pharmacology training but has a two-week ministerial training certificate from an online bible college. "See, we're keeping out the knee-grows, but we is also keep out some whites too. The store is called Thrifty White Drug. Whenever we have a white customer who is not thrifty, we send him away and he can't return. For instance, one guy came in here and tried to pay for five chocolate bars when his obesity indicated he clearly only needed one chocolate bar. That is gluttony and gluttony is not thrifty, and Jesus will punish it and so will I. Thrifty means saving money scrupulously, so if you intend to spend lots of money like some hedonistic money spender, then do not come to my God-fearing store please."
When asked why Thrifty White Drug refused to carry so many drugs, Rev. Nommen explained that pain relievers take pain away that Jesus wants us to feel. Cough syrup and sudafed have been abused as cheap intoxicants by bored teenagers and thus they have no legitimate medical uses, asserted the Rev. There is nothing wrong with analgesics; in fact some, like asprin can save a person's life during a heart attack. "Its a shame we can't carry those," says the minister/pharmacist, "but the first four letters of analgesics are a-n-a-l, so there is no telling what kind of sodomy they might inspire." The drug store will not carry panty hose, "because they inspire lustful thinking in the perverted." Hemmoroid ointment cannot be sold because, "I'm afraid the gays might use it in preparation for sodomy, as an alternative to anal lube, which we also do not sell."
With so many banned drugs and pharmacy products, one wonders what Thrifty White Drug does sell. "We sell drug testing kits that parents can use to test their children. If the test results in a positive, a GPS tracking device automatically sends a signal to the nearest SWAT team so that the parent does not even have to call the police." Thrifty White Drug will also sell bibles, and lots of 'em. "If you're truly sick and not just taking drugs to kill babies or get high, you really only need prayer and bibles. If you're having a heart attack, get down on your knees and pray. You shouldn't be thinking about asprin or any other drug when you're about to meet your maker, right?"
Thrifty White Drug has been open for two weeks but will hold its Grand Opening Celebration one month after opening. Rev. Nommen has already placed flyers around Rearmount welcoming all thrifty whites to join in the fun.
