The R.A.G. Files

St. Paul. It was reported in the Pioneer Press this morning that a young boy had taken ill after kissing his pet mouse, which was later discovered to be carrying a common form of necrotizing fecal bacterial. The boy later recovered but not without counseling. When questioned about the incident, the boy replied, “I love my mouse.” But this was not satisfactory to local prosecutors, who decided to charge the boy as an adult for aggravated mouse kissing, a felony. If the boy is found guilty at trial, he could be required to wear embarrassing head gear, a home monitoring device and formally register with police as a mouse kisser.

The mouse, meanwhile claims that the kiss was consensual, if not pleasant. “It was too sloppy,” he squeaked, when asked for a comment. When asked if he felt the kiss was inappropriate, the mouse replied, “He feeds me. I’m a mouse. What do you want?”

Ramsey County Human Services offers the following advice regarding kissing and rodents:

• Only kiss a rodent if it appears sedate or non-aggressive.
  
• Do not kiss a rodent while it is attempting to move its bowels. It may be toxic.
  
• It is not advisable to kiss a rodent that has been deceased longer than five days.
  
• Do not kiss a rodent if it is lying on its back with its feet up in the air and has little X’s over its eyes
  
• Always get permission from the pet’s biological parents before attempting to kiss it.
  
• Only platonic kissing like a “peck on the cheek” is advisable. Other types of kisses are strictly discouraged
  
• If your pet rodent tests positive for nectrotizing bacteria, wait at least three hours before kissing it.
  
• Wash hands and mouth rigorously with undiluted bleach no longer than one month after handling a pet with matted feces in its hair.
  
• If for whatever reason you must kiss a feces laden rodent, try to kiss an area that is feces free, such as the whiskers.

• Snakes, turtles, and lizards are exempt from these rules. For safety, only kiss a turtle on its shell. Kissing snakes is inadvisable even if it has a friendly disposition.