Monday, May 09, 2005
Hair-e-guy Goes To Boot Kampf
Brewman. Yoga? Pilate's? Ti Chi? No, no and no! If there is any self-disclipline that will make Hair-e-guy into a better person it will be the Violence Das Boot Kampf held at the Lost Bird Violence Academy for Hot Headed Half-Breeds.
Having the "kahuna's" to step up to the "slightly" gay waiter at Spaghetti Jerks Restaurant in Minneapolis, Hair-e-guy decided that he no longer wanted to be the peace-loving, tree-hugging, liberal that he has evolved into, and wanted another taste of that violent feeling that errupted from last weekend.
"It was terrible!" Hair-e-guy exclaimed, "I had that waiter eating out of my...hands, and then a half hour later I felt bad and apologized to him."
It was then that Hair-e learned of his counterpart's school for violence. Lost Bird, opened the academy some 12 years ago when he needed a place to vent his rage positively. "My mom always told me to turn the other cheek," Lost Bird claims, "But I got sick of people punching my other cheek when I turned it. So I developed this system to work out some of my...anger issues."
On Hair-e's first day, he was subjected to violence inspiring music. Lost Bird strapped Hair-e into a lawn chair and then duct taped a set of pink headphones on his head. With 117 decibels of Filter's "Hey, man Nice Shot." blaring into his ears consistently over and over again.
"Now close your eyes, Hair-e, and tell me what feeling comes to mind." Lost Bird asks him.
"Ummmmm," Hair-e twitching at the left side of his mouth, "I...uh....feel like driving real fast in a Saab?"
"NO!! NO!! Your vision is all wrong! Driving fast in a Saab? A big monster truck with a snowplow grinding the bones of your oppressors maybe, but a damn Saab?"
"Uh, okay, now I feel like peeing my pants?"
"NO! Peeing your pants? Slamming the face of your opponent into a mohagony bar edge and then pounding the piss out of them with the barstool and then kicking them in the kidneys til bloody piss stains the front of their jeans, maybe! Fer Chrissakes!"
The session ended abruptly as Hair-e looked like a deer in headlights screaming, "Can I go and plant some herbs now?"
Going back to his gardening and leaving Lost Bird with slim hopes. "He's too nice of a guy! Tomorrow I'll have to use Led Zepplin's 'When the Levee Breaks'! If that doesn't work then its the Door's 'Roadhouse Blues'. That song always instigates the violence in me!"
Having the "kahuna's" to step up to the "slightly" gay waiter at Spaghetti Jerks Restaurant in Minneapolis, Hair-e-guy decided that he no longer wanted to be the peace-loving, tree-hugging, liberal that he has evolved into, and wanted another taste of that violent feeling that errupted from last weekend.
"It was terrible!" Hair-e-guy exclaimed, "I had that waiter eating out of my...hands, and then a half hour later I felt bad and apologized to him."
It was then that Hair-e learned of his counterpart's school for violence. Lost Bird, opened the academy some 12 years ago when he needed a place to vent his rage positively. "My mom always told me to turn the other cheek," Lost Bird claims, "But I got sick of people punching my other cheek when I turned it. So I developed this system to work out some of my...anger issues."
On Hair-e's first day, he was subjected to violence inspiring music. Lost Bird strapped Hair-e into a lawn chair and then duct taped a set of pink headphones on his head. With 117 decibels of Filter's "Hey, man Nice Shot." blaring into his ears consistently over and over again.
"Now close your eyes, Hair-e, and tell me what feeling comes to mind." Lost Bird asks him.
"Ummmmm," Hair-e twitching at the left side of his mouth, "I...uh....feel like driving real fast in a Saab?"
"NO!! NO!! Your vision is all wrong! Driving fast in a Saab? A big monster truck with a snowplow grinding the bones of your oppressors maybe, but a damn Saab?"
"Uh, okay, now I feel like peeing my pants?"
"NO! Peeing your pants? Slamming the face of your opponent into a mohagony bar edge and then pounding the piss out of them with the barstool and then kicking them in the kidneys til bloody piss stains the front of their jeans, maybe! Fer Chrissakes!"
The session ended abruptly as Hair-e looked like a deer in headlights screaming, "Can I go and plant some herbs now?"
Going back to his gardening and leaving Lost Bird with slim hopes. "He's too nice of a guy! Tomorrow I'll have to use Led Zepplin's 'When the Levee Breaks'! If that doesn't work then its the Door's 'Roadhouse Blues'. That song always instigates the violence in me!"
