The R.A.G. Files

March, 2008.
Scenic California Coastline. Somewhere along the rocky shoreline of one Southern California, a knot was tied and it was a knot that a only preacher and not a boyscout could tie legally, correctly and with the necessary amount of love.

The "knot" was marriage and the lucky lovebirds were one Lost Bird, now found and his lovely lover, Miss Sue Spinnaker, the fairest, Fair Maiden of Rearmont, a town most unworthy of her graces. Now known collectively as Lost and Sue Bird, the happy couple will reside in Rearmont for another year before pulling up stakes and returning to bask in the warm and famous vibes of the only place in the world where Lost Bird is not "colored"--that being the same, Southern California, previously noted. Once there, the couple plans to become very famous and rich. Mr. Bird intends on finding employment with the Gangsta Disciples as a financial analyst whilst Mrs. Bird will become "Arm Twistin' Sue: Bounty Hunter" and wrestle meth addicts on her very own program on telly. When there is a dearth of meth addicts availble for capture and containment, she will taze, wrestle and "capture" Lost Bird.

"Pain, contain, and maintain--that's my philosophy," said Sue when asked by the R.A.G. to elaborate. "I'll give them pain, then contain them, and then maintain the pain." At the conclusion of each episode, she will buy each meth addict a new pair of teeth, get them religion via "Sergeant Reverend Dan: the Toughest, Meanest, Get-Yer-Soul-In-Shape-4-Da-Lord Spiritual Fitness Trainer This Side O Da Big Muddy. His Motto: Dan Plans So Dan Understands." Then, she will beat up Dawg the Bounty Hunter, again and again.

What will the happy couple do with their future millions?

"Buy all of Fartin County, Minnesota," said Lost Bird, "then sell it to the U.S. Government to use as a airforce bombing test range. Its about time we gave Nevada a break, dontcha think?"

The future seems clear now, but it wasn't always so. A long time ago, the future used to be the past, and in the past there were many hurdles that the couple had to leap over in order to survive life to reach the culmination of the happiest moment within it.

"Yeah," reminisced Lost Bird, "there were a few times I wondered if it would work, but she so purty..."

"Shut! Up!" interjected Sue.

"I didn't say anything," Lost Bird replied.

"Yes you did."

"What did I say?"

"What? Just be quiet, fool."

"Fiiiiiiine."

And so it goes, and now a family has been reborn, and two, beautiful little eggs have the Irish-Maori Dad they never had, and along with Daisy the three-legged gimpy face eating machine, that makes a complete unit. It may not be nuclear, but R.A.G. Files "Family Expert" Dr. Shrill says that this is okay.

"Its like a do-hing dingy when you meow the mall ball. Gonads milk medicine the ram bam super ham," Dr. Shrill quipped with his homespun Texas wit. "Groovy snicker doodle don't hit no poodle pie try. No chicken finger fun rug. Be the beboop hip, hippity hop Easter egg make a bake force to do the do-rag gone wrong jimmy jim jam the bong water! Wrap it 'afore you tap it! "

The R.A.G. Files staff wishes its Editor and Founder and the new family all the best and most love and success. The R.A.G. Files wishes to thank Family Expert Dr. Shrill for valuable unliscensed insight and assistance provided free of charge.

ANAMIME, CA. Do you remember when you were a kid, and your parents maybe took you on that long hot ride (because your folks didn't have air conditioning) across the country to California to go to Dizzyland? Do you remember how excited you were to see Micky Ratt, Ronald Dukk, Goopy, and the rest? Oh sure, you were looking forward to the rides too, but to be able to put that little hand of yours in that giant gloved hand of Micky, that was the "stuff".
Not anymore, boy howdy! Now, the characters at Dizzyland have bodyguards. Sure, they're dressed up in pretty yellow polo shirts, but don't let the khaki's fool you, they will thump your rump if you get too rough with the Walt Dizzy characters.
Last weekend, a teenager went up behind the character Ligger (the fun-loving Liger from Winny the Poop) and kept tugging at his tail. Then Ligger turned around and his tail wacked the teen on the head. The teen retaliated by shoving Ligger, and Ligger shoved the kid away. That is what brought our loving little Ligger to Orange County Court. The teens parents are suing him for assualt.
C'mon, I'm standing in a hot furry suit all day in the California sun, and some teenaged prick comes up and starts pulling at me? Ligger just tried to puch the kid away, me? I'd leap on him, bounce his face off the happiest-place-in-the-world a few times and spit on 'im.

N'AWLINS, LA. If it wasn't enough to emperil the residents of N'Awlins with hurricane Katrina, reducing humanity to it's primal level, and then hitting it shortly there after with another tropical storm. Then to top that off, take their homes, their jobs and families and displace them across the country. God decides to throw in a swarm of killer bees.
As construction workers tried to demolish a gutted home, a swarm of Africanized Killer Bees decended upon them and chased them off. Then, bee keepers were sent in to collect them, they were chased off, then the pest control franchise was called in, and they were chased off.
FEMA, in an effort to put their name in a better light, destroyed their levee system to drown out the bees. Also, the National Guard wanting to shine up their PR scores hit the area with Napalm to wipe out the bees. Even the Ku Klux Klan showed up with crosses in one hand and torches in the other, when they heard it was "Africanized" bees. Alas, they were chased off as well.
The bees taken over the area and are now opening up condos along the coastline.

AWESOME, TX. The city of Awesome, Texas is known for good music, good food, good art culture, and it's also the new designated site for the "Lost Bird Graveyard". I know sounds ominous, especially since my name is Lost Bird, but nature picked this site, not me.
It seems a 10 block radius is the new place where birds migrate to during the winter months to die. The city quarantined the area until all the birds could be picked up and delivered to the CDC (Center for Disease Control).
It was a gruesome sight, like something out of Alfred Hitchcock. Birds of every kind littered the streets overnight with their carcasses. And started to cause a panic. People were shouting everything from "Terrorist Attack" to "It's a sign....A SIGN I tell you!!! It's the END!! The LORD'S WRATH is upon US!!! REPENT!!!!"
After scientist sweated over their bunson burners all afternoon it was found that the birds were actually at a batchelor party and they were all drunk and passed out.

N'YUK, N'YUK. The big apple was haunted again by rotten smells. Today's incident started at 9am. The smell was like a mixture of oil and kerosene. Calls were pouring in from everywhere, 9-1-1 was flooded, Con Eddy (N'Yuk's power supplier) was flooded with calls, the mayor's office was flooded with calls. All complaining of a natral gas-like smell.
The mayor stated, "Uh, don't worry, uh, we haven't found the, uh, source of the smell, but uh, I don't think it's uh, harmful to humans."
Then the mayor collapsed and ended up in the hospital to be treated for nausea and trouble breathing.
This isn't the first time N'Yuk City has been invaded by a bad smell. The first hit was a maple syrup smell, and the previous before the current was like a sulfur smell.
As it turns out, according to scientist who have found a way to capture the smell and analyze it, it's actually the result of all N'Yukers farting at the same exact time.

GLOBAL WARMING. Yeah, we're pretty well screwed here. It's happening, I'm no activist, but we're screwed. How do I know? I'm in south central Minnesota. It's January. Normally, we have 75mph winds, 6ft of snow, and windchills that drop off the scale. What's it doing in 2007? 50 degrees and sunny. We got hit with heavy normal snowfall New Years Eve, but it's pretty much leaving now. Also, I'm brown-skinned. I never used to sun burn. Now? I'm toast without xpf 50. So since Antarctica isn't settled and has no governing body, after the polar Ice caps are gone, I'm setting up shop! All hail, Overlord Lost Bird. Hmmm....will people follow a guy named "Lost" Bird??

IRAQ. More men and women will die senselessly. We will not restore order. And eventually we'll pull out solving nothing except maybe the American Over-population Theory.

GASOLINE. Gas will go up. And then down again. And then ridiculously high for awhile. Then it will go to the original price per gallon that they first changed it too, and we'll all go "$4.15 a gallon? Wow, Gee Dubya was right, the prices did go down."

ISRAEL. Jews will hate Muslims. Muslims will hate Jews. There will still be turmoil. How do I know? They've been fighting since the time of Moses, why would they stop now?

CRIME. Some will get raped, some will get killed, some will get robbed. And some will just sit and watch it happen.

GOSSIP. Some celebrity couple will get divorced. Nicole Retchie will still be skinny. Some professional sports star will be arrested for either drunk driving, sexual harrassment, or drugs.

LOCALLY. Minnesota will be the new West and East coast. Vlad Gephardt will make it mandatory to join the freemasons if you want to be a citizen of Moon Valley. Wall-Mart will successfully destroy all commerce in Faremount and surrouding communities and be the number one employer in Faremount.

R.A.G. FILES. Lost Bird will realize that nobody reads his stupid blog and that Hair-e Guy will never come back to write for the R.A.G. again and he will quit. Lost Bird will not get remarried, and he will end up some lonesome drunk on the verge of suicide.

UNITED STATES. Some Arab nation will hate us.

VIRGINIA. As famous TV Evangilist Shat Roberts sat soaking in his 5 yard jacuzzi, sipping Jesus Juice, and reading "How to Create Your Own Holy Crusade for Fun and Profit", the heavens opened up and the Lord spoke...
"SHAT!" thundered the Lord, "GET THINE LAZY ARSE FROM OUT OF THAT HOT TUB AND COME HITHER SO THAT I MAY TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT YEAR!"
After his conference with the almighty, Shat held a press conference from the balcony of his large estate which overlooks his Shat Roberts Bible College.
"People of Earth!" Shat shouted, "The Lord has spoken to me with tongues of fire. He does not bring me a message of hope but of death!! On American soil!! From Terrorists!! Come to Him now people! Give the Lord your credit cards and savings accounts, and you shall be saved from the heathen plot in 2007!!"
Leading a group of new eccstatic follwers, Shat marched them into his University for reprogramming singing "Onward Christian Sooooo-oh-jurrrss!"

IRAQ. We all knew it was going to happen, Sodomy Hussein was hanged while most of America was sleeping tight in their beds. Though many Americans think this was a good thing to happen, lets look at the consequences.
First of all, Arab television station Al Jaheera, got camera's in to see and tape the action. Then to make it better, American news channels started showing this tape of him hanging. Then, it was said that two Iraqi guards and an official taped the execution as well on their camera phones and released audio of them taunting the man and Sodomy acted more like a civilized human being than they did.
Watching all of this on his TV, a 10 year-old Texas boy went into his room after watching the execution, and hung himself.
Our government doesn't want to comment on this. Why? Because it's how our officers are treating our prisoners. Abu Graib?
The R.A.G. Files would like to offer this comment: "What the HELL is wrong with you people?"

**Names were not changed to honor their memory. If you were a mean bastard you were not mentioned.

-Shelly Winters: actress
-Wilson Pickett: singer/songwriter (Mustang Sally)
-Coretta Scott King: Martin Luther King's widow (Equal rights activist globally)
-Al Lewis: actor(grandpa of Munsters)
-Betty Friedan: lead activist for the feminist movement
-Don Knotts: actor(Barney Fife/Mr. Furley)
-Mike Douglas: actor/talkshow host
-Ann Richards: former Democrat Texas Governor
-Steve Irwin: conservationist
-Jack Palance: actor
-Ed Bradley: news anchor 60 Minutes
-Robert Altman: director
-James Brown: singer/Harlem activist
-Gerald Ford: Former President

May they rest in peace, and thank you for making a difference in our world.

WASHINGTOON, DC. The Democrats take back the House, leaving the Republicans running for the (capitol) hills. There was a lot of back pedalling on issues dealing with Iraq.

IRAQ. America and allied forces spend their 3rd year in Iraq. After capturing Sodomy Hussane, it's been extremely bloody for both military and civillian and now Gee Dubya is wondering if maybe we shouldn't have gone in there at all. By the way, where's Osama? Speaking of Mr. Hussane, he was just hung moments before the release of this entry.

NEW AWLINS. In the aftermath of hurricane Katrina, the government realizes it's ill-equipped to deal with natural disater and after thousands of fraudulent disaster claims, nearly bankrupt FEMA funding, while REAL survivors of the hurricane are still homeless and displaced.

DENMARK. A Danish cartoonist draws a political cartoon depicting Muslim Icon Muhammed as a terrorist. This in turn created an uprise in some Muslims and they burned embassies, cars and other buildings in protest, stating that Muslims are not terrorists.

UPDERE,PA. The Amish prove they aren't immune to what goes on in the outside world as a man shoots up an Amish colony school. Leaving 5 dead and several others injured before turning the gun on himself.

INDONESIA. God proves that he hates Indonesia after first hitting them with a Tsunami and wiping out half the population in 2004, and then taking the rest out this year with a high scale earthquake.

ENGLAND. After British intelligence uncovers a terrorist plot involving liquid explosives and flights into the United States, the FAA bans any liquids transported on airplanes. Leaving many nursing mothers at the security check point milking their breasts dry before boarding.

TEXAS. Gee Dubya okays tax dollars to put up 700 miles of fencing along the Texas/Mexico border. The next day, our tax dollars are laying in scraps along the Texas/Mexican border.

WASHINGTOON, DC. After all his lies had been revealed and the Dems took the House, Ronald Dumsfeild resigns with Gee Dubya being the only one giving his service praise.

GAS PUMPS. This year also brought on every excuse the oil companies could fork out for high gas prices. The state of Minnesota went over the national average at $3.30 a gallon.

AFRICA. Once again, celebrities show that money buys you everything. Brad Spitt, Tangalina Julie, Madumma, buy their way through the adoption red tape adopting African orphans.

HOLLYWOULD. We find out the Gel Mibson hates Jews, and Cozmo Kramer hates blacks.

FAREMOUNT. Vlad Gephardt beats out Lost Bird for the position of Moon Valley Sheriff. He also starts a mounted volunteer posse. And to pay for the expenses of the posse he is selling a calendar with photos of his beloved Deputies and Jailer. Tawnya Skowl is happy to be miss June.

The R.A.G. Files passes the 1000 hits mark on it's blog site.

DownTyme disbands. After one member moved to Omaha, another getting in trouble for stealing money form old people in a nursing home, and then another found in a hotel with another woman by his wife. The band becomes dysfunctional and disbands.

FAREMOUNT. 49 year old, Ronald Madson, was being picked up on a warrant when he admitted he had child pornography on his computer. When Moon Valley Sheriff Deputies investigated they did find many explicit photos and material with naked children on it.
After interviewing former victums of Mr. Madson, they said that he would get them drunk or high with marajuana and then ask them to do things naked while he photographed them. One teen said he got really drunk and passed out and when he awoke, Madson was masturbating with himself lying next to him.
After going to court for these charges, Moon Valley District Court Judge Talker decided that if Michael Johnson the pop singer can do this, why shouldn't Madson get away with it too. So he sentenced Madson to 10 months probation and told never to do that nasty deed again.

PANKATO. He took the call. It was a call for help on a domestic disturbance in the small rural central Minnesota town of Ambouis. Approximately 50 minutes from the city of Pankato, but he was there.
Officer Sandyduck arrived on scene. The man inside had a gun, was threatening to shoot his wife and then himself. Officer Sandyduck Went in and beleived he had talked the man down when the man shot him in the face.
Like the good journalist they are at the Pankato Pre-Press, they were able to snatch an interview with the police, the suspect and the victum before anyone else.
Officer Sandyduck is recovering well. He has only one eye now and when asked if he wanted a glass eye he stated, "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam!"

N'YUK CITY/BAGADAD. Somewhere, at sometime, America has forgotten. We've lost our values and forgot how to prioritize. Men and women, both military and civillian are being killed in mass quantities in Iraq. Iran is trying to manufacture a nuke. Women and children are being abused in every way and killed. On a daily basis, the news reports another American was killed in Iraq today...
President Gee Dubya is wondering what the hell to do. He's stated that this was probably a mistake, and that we are so far into this pile of camel crap that if we pull out or stay, we're screwed.
What is it that we focus on? Brittany's lack of underwear. Anna Nicoles' baby, Jen and Vince, Brangelina, blah-de-frickin'-blah!! And now the latest thing to stink up my airwaves...The Donald fighting with Rowdie O'Donnell. Why? Because the Donald doesn't like it when our new Ms. USA goes out one night on a club crawl and gets a little nasty.
Here's what the R.A.G. is afraid of...it will take another catastrophe for us all to pull together again. That's a sad comment on our society. The days when people stood behind our men and women are dwindling. No body wants to take on the establishment anymore. We just take it on the chin, yes sir no sir, feed me some of that fabulous hollywould gossip and keep the reality away. I don't care what's going on in the real world. I care about what happened on last weeks episode of Survivor. I care about which celebrity is being exposed on the internet. I don't give a crap that my neighbors son just went up in a flash of explosives.
Wake up, America, life is happening outside your window.

NEW YORK. All down the main streets of Manhattan, you'll see signs in almost every deli, pizzaria, cafe..."Best coffee in town", "Best Pizza in Town", "Best Burger in Town". But on the front of every Taco Hell restaurante you'll see: "Best E Coli in town".
Yes, the dreaded E Coli has finished taking out the spinach in this world and ruining this writers lunch at Bubway, and moved onto Taco Hell and attacking the onions. Taco Hell's have been closing down across America, not just New York. Even the Taco Hell in Faremount has left it's Pizza Slut partner.
This epidemic has not only affected Taco Hell, but now Taco Jones as well.
"It seems to be hitting all the 'crap' fast food joints in succesion." said a representative from the CDC, "For some reason, it is only hitting the mexican restaurants."
President Gee Dubya has tightened his grip on illegal Mexican immigrants, stating they are the ones that are probably starting this terror.
In a related story, the 'meat' packing plant in Worthlesston, MN was raided by INS officials late last week and they took down a significant number of illegals who were sent back to Mexico.

MINNEAPOLIS. Most of the time when you hear about arrests made on the road of sports superstars you think "drunk driving". Well, Eddie Fishing, player for the Minnesota Tumbleweeds basketball team was pulled over with what the officer thought would be drunk driving. To his surprise it was something a little more...interesting.
Eddie Fishing was watching porn on his SUV's DVD player, driving and spanking his monkey like there was no tommorrow.
"I couldn't tell what movie he was watching." stated the MN State Patrol Officer Chud Hills, "I just know it was porn, though. With all them seventies guitar licks, and all that 'ooo'-ing and 'aaaah'-ing."
When asked why he chose to be driving down the road at a high rate of speed, watching porn and pleasuring oneself when you're a sports star and can get any peice of trim he wants his reply was, "Yeah, right! You pick up some chick at a bar, she does the lap dance for you, you pull off the clothes and the next morning it's a law suit! At least lefty can't take me to court!"