Thursday, January 04, 2007
The Official R.A.G. Files 2007 Predictions
GLOBAL WARMING. Yeah, we're pretty well screwed here. It's happening, I'm no activist, but we're screwed. How do I know? I'm in south central Minnesota. It's January. Normally, we have 75mph winds, 6ft of snow, and windchills that drop off the scale. What's it doing in 2007? 50 degrees and sunny. We got hit with heavy normal snowfall New Years Eve, but it's pretty much leaving now. Also, I'm brown-skinned. I never used to sun burn. Now? I'm toast without xpf 50. So since Antarctica isn't settled and has no governing body, after the polar Ice caps are gone, I'm setting up shop! All hail, Overlord Lost Bird. Hmmm....will people follow a guy named "Lost" Bird??
IRAQ. More men and women will die senselessly. We will not restore order. And eventually we'll pull out solving nothing except maybe the American Over-population Theory.
GASOLINE. Gas will go up. And then down again. And then ridiculously high for awhile. Then it will go to the original price per gallon that they first changed it too, and we'll all go "$4.15 a gallon? Wow, Gee Dubya was right, the prices did go down."
ISRAEL. Jews will hate Muslims. Muslims will hate Jews. There will still be turmoil. How do I know? They've been fighting since the time of Moses, why would they stop now?
CRIME. Some will get raped, some will get killed, some will get robbed. And some will just sit and watch it happen.
GOSSIP. Some celebrity couple will get divorced. Nicole Retchie will still be skinny. Some professional sports star will be arrested for either drunk driving, sexual harrassment, or drugs.
LOCALLY. Minnesota will be the new West and East coast. Vlad Gephardt will make it mandatory to join the freemasons if you want to be a citizen of Moon Valley. Wall-Mart will successfully destroy all commerce in Faremount and surrouding communities and be the number one employer in Faremount.
R.A.G. FILES. Lost Bird will realize that nobody reads his stupid blog and that Hair-e Guy will never come back to write for the R.A.G. again and he will quit. Lost Bird will not get remarried, and he will end up some lonesome drunk on the verge of suicide.
UNITED STATES. Some Arab nation will hate us.
IRAQ. More men and women will die senselessly. We will not restore order. And eventually we'll pull out solving nothing except maybe the American Over-population Theory.
GASOLINE. Gas will go up. And then down again. And then ridiculously high for awhile. Then it will go to the original price per gallon that they first changed it too, and we'll all go "$4.15 a gallon? Wow, Gee Dubya was right, the prices did go down."
ISRAEL. Jews will hate Muslims. Muslims will hate Jews. There will still be turmoil. How do I know? They've been fighting since the time of Moses, why would they stop now?
CRIME. Some will get raped, some will get killed, some will get robbed. And some will just sit and watch it happen.
GOSSIP. Some celebrity couple will get divorced. Nicole Retchie will still be skinny. Some professional sports star will be arrested for either drunk driving, sexual harrassment, or drugs.
LOCALLY. Minnesota will be the new West and East coast. Vlad Gephardt will make it mandatory to join the freemasons if you want to be a citizen of Moon Valley. Wall-Mart will successfully destroy all commerce in Faremount and surrouding communities and be the number one employer in Faremount.
R.A.G. FILES. Lost Bird will realize that nobody reads his stupid blog and that Hair-e Guy will never come back to write for the R.A.G. again and he will quit. Lost Bird will not get remarried, and he will end up some lonesome drunk on the verge of suicide.
UNITED STATES. Some Arab nation will hate us.
