The R.A.G. Files

Faremount. "The Windy City", a title held by Chicago since it's founding is getting it's competition from the small town of Faremount, Minnesota.
With winds of up to 80 miles per hour on bad days, Faremountians have braved the elements of living in such a flat area. The wind is at a constant no matter what season it is. For this reason, the birds of the area have large wing muscles and have been known to take out drunks coming out of the bars in town.
Also, the citizens of Faremount are excellent kite flyers, wind surfers, and can stand at an angle for hours due to their enormous calf muscles. On the downside, they are also known to wear bycylcle helmets as many residents have lost their lives due to flying debris. In April of 2000, there were recorded wind speeds of 80 miles per hour. The next day there were people laying dead impaled by blades of grass, junebugs, and one woman was found with her tabby cat lodged and still alive in her abdomen. One can usually tell a Faremountian by the constant gritting of their teeth, windswept hair, constant squint, and NASCAR t-shirts.
"Chicago can eat (swear word) and bark at the (swear word) moon!" said Mayor Sloth, "We done got more of that wind then them big city wussy's! (swear word) is (swear word) with the (swear word) liberal infested (swear word)!!! I'll (swear word) with his (swear word) wife and then maybe I'll (swear word) his (swear word) dog!!!"

Downtown Faremount. The local rock band, Down Tyme, played their first professional gig in downtown Faremount during the city's "Friday's in the Park" celebration. The band played "House of the Risin' Sun" by the Animals when they were joined by Ima Townbyke, local lover and punching bag of several men in the area.
"We were just starting out our song," the lead singer states. "when I hear this sound like a live cat being skinned by 12 grit sandpaper. I turned and our bass player had the mic taken from him while Ima bellowed out the chorus."
The song was cut short and Ima was asked to start her solo career without Down Tyme. Then as the band started again, some of the locals that were in the park enjoying their pork patty sandwiches and lemonade began to get angry.
"Turn that damn noise down!" the seniors of Citizen Park yelled.
Then, when the lead singer told them, "Shut up or I'll knock the dentures out of your freakin' head you deaf old bastard!" it looked like the riot reminescent of the Rolling Stones concert when the Hell's Angels ended up killing several people in San Francisco.
"There were walkers and canes flying all over the place!" one spectator reported, "The band didn't have a chance when the scooters and electric wheelchair brigade moved in!"
The lead singer was hospitalized with minor injuries to his skull, the bass player suffered injuries to his newly implanted liver and the drummer quit stating that he couldn't take another episode like that emotionally again.

Faremount. Police were called out the other day to the local pop radio station, 105.6 KFMT (aka Best Jive 105), in a complaint called in by radio staff.
Program Director, Pete Herdahl (aka Mark Seeger), was found on top of the transmitter tower naked and babbling incoherently.
The day started, according to overnight dj, Brent Bootlikkir (aka Big Kahuna) roughly. "I was just about to sign off the air, the mic button was on, the "on-air" light outside the studio was on, he came in and started bitching about the station owner and I clicked the mic off. He turned red and yelled 'Was that (swear word) on? Was that (swear word) on?' I was like, 'yeah'. and then pulls my studio tape out of the recorder and chucks it at the studio clock."
The mid-day DJ, Brett Norris (aka Brett Norris), said that he came in with his eyeballs ready to pop out of their sockets shouting about how if he gets fired he's going to come back with a gun and kill everyone.
As Mr. Herdahl did an air-check with one other DJ, he started the interview calmly and then broke into a fury, loosing his upper plate, and his toupee, shouting, "This is radio, you (swear word) moron! You're not flippin' burgers at Hardee's or stocking shelves at the grocery store!"
When asked, the DJ being interviewed, Cedric Horowitz (aka Tony Toyota) said, "I messed up, I missed pronounced the town 'Northrop'. I said 'Northrop' instead of 'Northrop'."
Mr. Herdahl was apprehended by the Faremount police after hours of negotiating with the Moon Valley Sheriff's department as to who's call this was. They ended up calling out the Animal COntrol Officer who took him down with 6 tranquilizer darts.
"It actually only took like 3, but I got carried away by the moment." Animal Control Officer Rory Ballad stated.

Chaos. The R.A.G. Files welcomes new writer on board. Hair-e-guy hops on board making his debut with the "Justice Files". Hair-e joins Lost Bird and will continue to do so until he's told differently.
Hair-e's credentials are a long list of obscure truth as an internet minister, and a rabid writer, writing with the fever for the flavor of truth, justin and the Armanean way. Check out his work at whistlingshade.com, restroomratings.com, or doubledarepress.com.
The R.A.G. Files, though dripping with sarcasm, is based on true events and has only been altered to protect the innocent and of course the guilty.
Hair-e hails from the cold windswept streets of St. Paul and lives with his girlfriend. (see his profile.) We both share a love for the sureal, writing, good music, fire, booze, Madeline and the Spencer women.
Please visit our sponsors below, and leave comments and news stories, or we will find you, and...and....write about you!!! The pen is mightier than the sword afterall!!
Welcome aboard, Hair-e-guy!

Feb 4, 2005

Driving without a license plate.

1:00 p.m. Bimont. Mumby M. Mumblesome was picked up by Martina County Sherrif's depties for driving without a rear license plate, and for being Asian in a non-Asian area. She was fined $1500 by District Judge Buster D. Hyman, and ordered to stay out of Martina County until such time as she could refrain from being Asian.

Driving in A Ghetto Car, Bass turned Up

12:00 a.m. Southrop. Fornyme B. Chucklesberry was arrested for driving a hooptie without a hooptie endosement on his county ethnic identification card. Sentanced to 300 hours community service, fine waived in lieu of bribe, no jail on condition no same of similar violation for 23 days by Judge Buster D. Hyman.

2:03 a.m. Quadramont. Wilseth Runeforth was arrested for driving a jaloppy when his county ethnic identification card registered the vehicle (1983 El Camino) as a hooptie. Fine waived in lieu of change registration 3o days, no same or similar violations for one year.

4:45 p.m. Brewman. Carlotta Hernandes was arrested and jailed because her ethnic identification card listed "Mexican" as ethnicity, yet black music was witnessed playing in the car. She was taken to Martina County Jail for booking and because she was described by her arresting officers as hot, and the jailers wanted to have a look. She was released by Judge Buster D. Hyman, pending no same or similar violations/ continue to be hot.

Feb. 8, 2005

Suspicious Activity

5:23 p.m. Bimont. A suspicious man was seen walking on the sidewalk, on mainstreet. A citizen noticed the man, and called the police because he was out walking during supper time.

6:00 p.m. Rearmount. A citizen called in a suspicious activity complaint because he noticed his garbage missing from his driveway, although it had been just a few days earlier. Deputies informed the citizen that garbage day was two days ago, and sanitation workers had probably removed the citizen's garbage. The citizen replied that he heard that Asian gang actity was prominent in the area, including garbage theft. The depties thanked the citizen for keeping them informed about Asians.

10:00 p.m. Rearmount. Jerry Tanf and Jose Sanchez were arrested upon being apprehended holding hands in a public park after sundown. They were ticketed for being gay, underage and interracial and sentanced to six months under Martina County's "ethnic three strikes" law that specifically targets the behavior of underage, inter-ethnic sexual deviants. After completion of jail sentance, they are ordered to 1500 hours of church attendance at a church of Judge Buster D. Hyman's choosing, and a good, hard spanking to be administered and witnessed in private by Judge Hyman and his pastor.

10:38 p.m. Brewman. A black cat was seen in a cornfield by a passing deputy driving on Co. Rd. 42. The deputy took pot shots at the animal from his service vehicle, in order to avoid crossing its path. It is believed that the animal got away.

3:00 a.m. Quadramont. A group of toothless, bald men were witnessed snorting a white powder off the hood of their parked car while drooling and twitching violently. A strong chemical odor emmanated from their vehicle, which upon cursory inspection contained four tanks of anhydrous ammonia in the backseat, along with 200 packages of cold medicine. The men said they were suffering from a cold, and were devout Pentecostal ministers practicing speaking in tongues. The investigating deputy praised them for their fine morals and moved on.

2:30 p.m. Bimont. A white couple was found engaging in amorous and salacious activity on the steps of the Martina County courthouse in broad daylight in front of a group of preschoolers on a fieldtrip from Innocent Little Lambs Preschool, but the couple was married and the missionary position is sanctioned and approved by area denominations, so the deputy asked the couple to take their time and finish up. Judge Buster D. Hyman ran out of his chambers in order to "witness" the act, but was too late.

12:00 p.m. Rearmount. A portable outhouse was discovered in the middle of State Street, when a motorist nearly hit it. It was removed and chastised.

4:12 p.m. Southrop. A citizen report led to the discovery of a fat, nude individual walking through a cornfield and striking at his gonads randomly with a riding crop while shouting, "Bad,Bad!" The individual was identified by his drivers' license, which was affixed to his chest by several yards of electrical tape. As the individual was only Judge Buster D. Hyman, he was asked by deputies to please stop acting so weird and pervy.

7:32 p.m. Brewman. A man was cited and fined for intentionally purging the contents of his stomach in order to cause mental distress to another citizen.

Deer Hit

8:53 p.m. Quadramont. A motorist driving driving down Hwy 15 struck a deer. The deer was taken to Rearmount Memorial Hospital where it was given better care than the motorist.

2:05 a.m. Southrop. A deer struck a motorist on 2nd Ave. W. because it was angry at what a lousy life it had, being a deer and all.

4:10 p.m. Southrop. A pedestrian struck a deer while walking down a sidewalk on 8th street because he was too cool to move out of the way and the deer was too dumb to move at all.

1:58 a.m. Rearmount. A deranged individual was cited for creating a freaky menance, when he was apprehended at the side of Hwy 15 consuming the remains of a deer he had struck. Judge Buster D. Hyman was also ordered by deputies to put on some clothes and get a life.

11:00 a.m. Brewman. A deer phoned police after being struck by a motorist on 5th street. When the officers arrived, they discovered that the deer indeed had a phone and knew how to talk. They officers then drew their service pistols, and shot the deer multiple times because they felt threatened by the idea of a talking deer with a cell phone, and the officers were convinced that the deer had committed treason.

(AP) Sherriff Cant Gethard testified today before state senators during a hearing on the methamphetamine problem in rural Minnesota. During the hearings, one senator, a reported liberal affiliated the with anti-American, pro-destruction-of-the-nuclear-family organization Tolerance Minnesota called for more treatment options for meth users.

After hearing this, Gethard burst into a rage, yelling, "go back to the kitchen where you belong, femi-nazi! Treatment ain't a-gonna do no good no how. Gotta do sumthin' bout thisy here epi-demic, gotta do sumthin' right quick, you hear. You hear me hippie? I said I'm talking to you, yeah you over there. Thats right, YOU! We need one of them final solution type thingies. Those tweeker bastards is flammable! We can douse in gas an' torch 'em! stack 'em like fire wood and heat our homes. Do you hear me, hippe? They burn, I tell ye. They burn! They's like zombies 'cept ye cain't jest cut off the head! The body gets movin' again, looking for more meth, damn critters ain't even need a head. We gots to fry 'em up by the dozens, like chicken!" Gethard was roundly applauded for his common sense reasoning and sound advice. Several senators promised to co-author a bill to legalize the burning of meth addicts, since all agreed that cutting off the head would not suffice. Methamphetamine is also known as "meth" "ice" "rocket" "smack" "crack" "joint" "tea" "reefer" or "devil's dandruff."

Faremount. Since it's establishment in 1857, the city of Faremount his prided itself in it's inability to prosper and still remain a registered town in Minnesota. From it's humble beginings as a settlement founded on the slaughter of the Winnebago Indians, to now. "Our founding fathers thought they were Lakota Souix during the uprising, and they were different than us, so we took them out. We can't dwell on the mistakes of our past." states Moon Valley Historian Valerie Buttercup.
Faremount was a bustling railroad town, and also rich in pork production and soybeans and corn. They also utilized the 5 chains of lakes in the middle of the city limits. "We had an amusement park on the lake, and beautiful passenger boats that would take tourists on a lakeview tour of the city."
There was also a wonderful youth center that housed dances and games for the kids. It was right next to the police station and was supervised by the officers off duty.
Faremount Tamper, the number one company that produces railroad tracks, is the area's biggest employer.
All that has changed now. The Amusement Park has since been dismantled. The city council proposed to open an Aquatic Park in a different location, the citizens voted against one wanting a park utilizing the lakes, and the city built the aquatic park anyways. The park is only open for 2 hours a day, 3 days a week, and only for a month during the summer depending on the weather. Season passes are only $95.
The Youth Center has been closed down due to lack of interest by the adults. "I don't have time to help with something like that." One parent said as they went off to karaoke night at Shanindoah's Cheer and Chow. One youth has tried to hold benifit concerts from local musicians to help fund the project of a new youth center, but was turned down by the city council.
Commerce in Faremount has also fallen. There was a proposal by the University of Minnesota to open a junior college on the lake. The city council denied that as stating they wanted this to be a retirement community, and did not want the "college element" in their town.
City economist Spike Humbal says, "We brought in the 5 Lakes Central Mall to remove the drive-in theater and to take business away from the Downtown local merchants. It's been a successful program. Now, there are 5 businesses in the Downtown market area that have went out of business, and now there are 4 stores in the mall that are empty due to the rent being too high. We on the council are going for that pioneer 'ghost town' look and are being very successful at it."
In the wake of these changes, the city has also let a bid to keep Faremount Tamper in Faremount go. There has been a large layoff as the company is moving to South Carolina now.
"Just think of the revenue for the local bar establishments now that the town is becoming depressed." Humbal adds. The employee count is now 32 from 371.
In a joint venture with local law enforcement, they are now running a huge sweep for drunk drivers. "It won't be long now, the drinking establishments will either raise drink prices or go under. Then, the public will be forced to buy alcohol at the Municipal Liquor store and drink at home which is more money for the city." Humble says.
Also, in an effort to make the lakes cleaner, the city has pumped chemicals into the lakes to clear up the algae. The lakes are still greenish brown and give the local tap water a distinct smell, but it's the effort that counts. In an unrelated survey, Faremount has the largest number of cancer victums per capita. Coincidentally, Faremount also has the largest number of police officers per capita in Minnesota.
City council woman Jules Undersen said in a recent board meeting that it was the council's job to look at having companies open their businesses here and offering a higher pay scale. Other council members decided that removing the "Jake" in the "No Jake Braking in City Limits" sign, as the Jake Brake company felt like it was being labelled was a bigger priority.
Critics of the councils business have mysteriously disappeared. Council member Stu Pidasso stated, "I don't understand why we're being criticized, at least they can sleep at night without worrying about Jake braking through our quiet little town."
the sign located just north of town on Hwy 15/State Street now reads "No Engine Braking in City Limits."

Sherburt. Moon Valley West high school physical education teacher and coach, Gus Brunty, was accused of lewd acts towards a student.
The accusations stated that Mr. Brunty stole clothing from one of his students while he showered, and has been harassing said student. The student, has been removed from the school district and is currently enrolled at nearby Jaxon school.
In his defense, Mr. Brunty stated, "The kid wasn't a true athlete, kids like him used to get teased all the time when I was going to school! I don't know what the big deal is! I mean, he's different, and nobody likes him anyways! Me and my 'boys' have teased kids like him for 20 years now."
The parents of his past athletes were at the school board meeting that enacted his suspension, for his support.
Also, parents of slower students were in attendance, claiming that Mr. Brunty treated their children as lower forms of life.
Mr. Brunty addressed them stating, "Well, they are slow. They don't belong with regular children. If you don't like it, don't let them sign up for my phys-ed class!"
Mr. Brunty is also facing criminal charges as well. Moon Valley County Attourney Jerry Weaselmann stated, "Well, uh, I really hate to charge anyone, uh, and I guess we could, uh do an investigation, uh, but hopefully he'll plea bargain or something, uh, I've really got no comment at this time."
Mr. Brunty released this statement in closing, "Look, people, it's an age old understanding. Jocks and losers. If your child is not gifted with any athletic abilities, then keep 'em out of anything involving sports! Kids that are different should be aborted, not taught that they should try to 'blend' in with normal people. I can't stand that thinking! So if your kid is fat, cripple, a non-black minority, liberal, artistic, or wants to be an individual, keep 'em outta my class!"
Mr. Brunty was also accused of "scratching" himself, in front of the students. "I'm a guy for godsakes! If I got an itch, I scratch it!"

Faremount. The Faremount Area Hospital/Mustard Health System is using new techniques to help cure their patients. The breakthrough therapy is called the "Red Tape Assumption" technique.
"The technique was developed more by our finance department rather than our medical staff." admits Dr. Horace Phleming, hospital director, "This technique involves sending our patients through a series of specialists before being even diagnosed. First, our patient goes makes an appointment via phone with their family doctor. Our appointment staff tells the patient that their doctor is booked up until next week, they in turn get referred to one of our physician assistants. They throw a few band aids or aspirin at the problem and within a week the patient returns to see their regular doctor. The doctor then examines them and prescribes a weak anti-biotic. The patient then returns possibly two or three times, each is case sensitive, til the doctor refers their patient to our specialists at the Mustard Clinic in Rochester."
The technique, now being used by other hospitals across the country, has been proven to cure most ailments and has generated much needed revenue for portriats, paintings, and "Highlights" children magazines in area clinic waiting rooms.
In one case, a male patient complained of a "barrel-sound" condition in his ears. First, our physician assistant prescribed a mild anti-biotic, three months later the patient returned still suffering with the condition. His Doctor then precribed a higher strength antibiotic. Three weeks later, still suffering, he was referred to our Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. They ran some unneeded tests on him and said they'd call with results at a later date. The patient used his own ingenuity and put peroxide in his ear and cleared out his ear canal. The hospital staff are proud that they helped him build his self-esteem through this excercise.
In other health news, the hospital has reported a high fatality rate in Panic Attacks suffered by the female population of Moon Valley county. "Most of our female patients that have died complain of heart pain and then die shortly after we release them, our staff is baffled." says ER staff physician Dr. Noughitall. "They seem to suffer from symptoms very much like myochardial infarctions, but then even the dumbest of people know that heart-attacks in women are unheard of."

Minneapolis. The Brutal Force Association of Minnesota will be awarding local police officers this year at their annual awards ceremony.
Faremount Police Sargeant Hymie Cadaver will be awarded the "Jumpin' the Gun" award for two incidents in his career. During one incident involving a Minnesota State Trooper and a routine speeding violation. The trooper had slid into the ditch of highway 15 on black ice, in which Officer Cadaver rolled up on the scene with gun drawn screaming "Officer down! Officer down!" while assisting the Trooper. The second incident involved a bomb threat called into the Moon Valley Public Defender's Office in downtown Faremount and left on the answering machine. Officer Cadaver kicked in the unlocked door with gun drawn and placed the answering machine under arrest before the bomb squad arrived. With tears in his eyes he accepted the award thanking his training in the Faremount Police Explorers, he also added that the bullies in high school prompted him to become an officer. "Who's laughing now?" he says with a smirk. Hymie was then promoted to Detective and is now staff sargeant.
The other officer to receive recognition was Moon Valley Deputy Chaz "the Putz" Putzky for his marksmanship. During routine duty, deputy Putzky placed his gun in his holster with his finger expertly still placed on the trigger. "I hit my kneecap and then my foot!" he says proudly. He was also given second mention on his survelliance skills on DUI busts, along with Sherbert/Wellcum police officers. "It's real easy, you just park your squad across from the bar and wait for people to leave! I've gotten more than my quota that way!"
Seen leaving the awards ceremony, one Faremount Sargeant Larry Spree left angrily shouting "I'm always passed up on everything!!!"

Faremount. Local Baptist minister Reverend Skoolprairie sat on the steps of city hall demanding that the good citizens of Faremount boycott Master Movies. This, following his investigation of the local Master Movies store where he found a secret section of hard core pornography. Reverend Skoolprairie stated, "It took me awhile to find this section of the store, but God opened my eyes to it. When I went back there, I felt as if the bowels of hell opened up and swallowed me!"
Some people attending the rally supporting Reverend Skoolprairie were there carrying signs saying "All Sex is Rape" and "God Hates Gays, That's Why There's AIDS". Others in attendance who were opposed to Reverend Skoolprairie were asking why.
"Child molesters watch porn," he answered. "and afterwards, they molest children."
One man responded to this stating: "What about Skin mags, and soft core porn being sold at other businesses in town? Aren't they as bad?"
Reverend Skoolprairie rebutted, "No, I've watched soft core porn, and read Playboy, Jugs, and Hustler and never felt like molesting children."
A smaller group of people at the rally were quoted as saying that thanks to Reverend Skoolprairie, they now know where the hardcore porn is.
In an unrelated story, Skoolprairie has just been inducted into the "Chum of Lakes Key Club", where well known names in town gather with their wives and toss keys into a hat and swap wives. "Oh, it's harmless like that reality show." Skoolprairie states. He joins other well known folks as Rick Jensen, owner of Mulligan Water, Stu Peace, CPA and Moon Valley Commissioner, Vlad Gephardt, Moon Valley Sheriff, Ron Gray, Moon Valley Corrections officer to name a few.

Faremount. Harold the Barber, known for his years of service to the community, was brutally harassed in front of his business. As Harold was adjusting his "We don't serve no hippies" sign he notices a man of color park his minivan in front of his business. Enraged, Harold dropped his duties and confronted the man.
"I told him the spot was only fer payin customers." Harold reports, "He then had the nerve to tell me that it was a public parking spot and there were no signs saying it was for "Paying Customers only"! I mean the nerve of him! I done told the city council that this sort of thing would happen if they start letting people like him in this town."
The man of color then proceeded to flip him off and went on his way while Harold threatened to tow his vehicle.
Faremount Councilman, Stu Pidasso, says: "This is the kind of thing we can expect now that we have a growing ethnic group moving into our fine city. I've been trying to pass a budget to hire more policemen. Faremount will become a breeding ground for crime if this trend continues!"
Reportedly after the "Harold incident", this minority was delivering a paper to a local resident and attacked him. "I just asked him if he was the freakin' wetback that delivered my newspaper." the victum, a Dave Woodsen says. "Then he asks me what I had done said, I guess those people are a bit deaf from eating too many tacos or something, so I repeated myself. Then he grabbed me by my Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt and slammed me into the garage door."
Mr. Woodsen began to sob when asked what the man said verbatim, "You've got 30 seconds to keep your mouth shut, if you utter one more word before I get back to my minivan, I'll come back and break your (curse word) knee caps!" Mr. Woodsen broke into uncontrollable sobbing.

Faremount. A local Big L (formerly the l-Mart) employee was asked to walk the "L". One Suzanne Spinner, a single mom of 2, was working at the service desk of Big L in the morning. It was her and a young pregnant woman (name withheld) working the cash register. Store manager Ray Butcher came in and wanted to know why there were shopping carts left in the parking lot. Ms. Spinner replied, "You told me I couldn't leave the service desk and the only other one here is her (pointing to prego cashier)." Ray then replied, "Well, you either get those carts back in here by noon, or I'll dock your paycheck $25 for every cart left out there!" In an outrage, Ms. Spinner informed him that it wasn't possible for him to do that. "I can do anything I want, I'm the manager!" Ray replied.
"I have had serious problems with Ms. Spinner." Ray reported, "First off, she questions me when I go against policy that I've set! I mean, if I set the store policy, shouldn't I be able to break it? My God, this woman has no concept of managerial privlages! Then on top of all that, She refuses to walk the 'L'! She's always wanting to walk the 'k' or the 'M', but never the 'L'!"
When asked what the "L" was, Ray proceeded in telling this reporter that it was none of my freakin business.
Ms. Spinner filled out a 2 week resignation form when Ray began to jump up and down in front of the customers and ranting "OOOOOOO, Suzanne's writing a letter! A letter! A letter! OOOOOOO, I'm so scared!"
Ms. Spinner has since resigned and was asked to walk the "L" when she left and to police the parking lot before she left.
In a freak accident, Ray Butcher was raped and beaten by the inflatable Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman displayed in front of the store.

Faremount. In his latest sting to catch himself some sinners, newly-elected Sheriff Vlad Gephardt gets a bust in his latest sting effort to clean up his department. After reports of blantant hugging going on between two of his corrections officers, Sheriff Vlad had two of his inside "informants" install a video camera inside a box. The picture was blurry, dark, and only showed one officer's face and the corner of the back of one's head. "I was flustered," Gephardt said. "These two have eluded me since the election. But I'm sure they were hugging!" He then reverted to tactics used by the U.S. Military where intimidation and sexual harassment and acting like a psychotic freak during interrogation. This did not work either on them. Both officers in question were admired by both inmates and a few co-workers, and were considered to be hard workers and dependable. "They're chameleons!" Gephardt raged, "Chameleons with a chemical abuse problem!"
Gephardt was then questioned about his attempt at accusing one of the officers of drinking while on call and beating his then wife. "All accusations were not proven, but that didn't mean he didn't do it!" In this incident, Gephardt and his shief deputy went in plain clothes to the assailants home and breathalized the suspect. The suspect in question blew a .000 on a PBT unit. "More than likely, he was probably using narcotic substances that aren't detectable on a PBT. When we came into his home, we found a gameboard and two half-drank cups of hot cocoa, if that's not a sign of domestic abuse, than I'm the bloody mayor!"
Deciding that he would never catch them in the act he realized that he is the Sheriff and can do anything he wants, so he terminated both corrections officers.
"If they were member's of my church, or spent time on...extra cirricular activities to improve their position here, it'd be different. For instance, my head corrections officer spent several hours on his hands and knees trying to please me, and now look at him." Just then, before the interview was over, a short fat woman in a corrections uniform with her hair tied back so tight her eyes looked chinese and her overplucked eyebrows were on top of her head, her face looking like a glazed donut puked on her, came up from under his desk. "Ah, Tanya, you've earned a position as the second assistant to the Jail Administrator."
She wiped her mouth and looked for her radio.