Friday, February 25, 2005
MARTINA COUNTY CRIMINAL JUSTICE REPORT FEB 2005
Feb 4, 2005
Driving without a license plate.
1:00 p.m. Bimont. Mumby M. Mumblesome was picked up by Martina County Sherrif's depties for driving without a rear license plate, and for being Asian in a non-Asian area. She was fined $1500 by District Judge Buster D. Hyman, and ordered to stay out of Martina County until such time as she could refrain from being Asian.
Driving in A Ghetto Car, Bass turned Up
12:00 a.m. Southrop. Fornyme B. Chucklesberry was arrested for driving a hooptie without a hooptie endosement on his county ethnic identification card. Sentanced to 300 hours community service, fine waived in lieu of bribe, no jail on condition no same of similar violation for 23 days by Judge Buster D. Hyman.
2:03 a.m. Quadramont. Wilseth Runeforth was arrested for driving a jaloppy when his county ethnic identification card registered the vehicle (1983 El Camino) as a hooptie. Fine waived in lieu of change registration 3o days, no same or similar violations for one year.
4:45 p.m. Brewman. Carlotta Hernandes was arrested and jailed because her ethnic identification card listed "Mexican" as ethnicity, yet black music was witnessed playing in the car. She was taken to Martina County Jail for booking and because she was described by her arresting officers as hot, and the jailers wanted to have a look. She was released by Judge Buster D. Hyman, pending no same or similar violations/ continue to be hot.
Feb. 8, 2005
Suspicious Activity
5:23 p.m. Bimont. A suspicious man was seen walking on the sidewalk, on mainstreet. A citizen noticed the man, and called the police because he was out walking during supper time.
6:00 p.m. Rearmount. A citizen called in a suspicious activity complaint because he noticed his garbage missing from his driveway, although it had been just a few days earlier. Deputies informed the citizen that garbage day was two days ago, and sanitation workers had probably removed the citizen's garbage. The citizen replied that he heard that Asian gang actity was prominent in the area, including garbage theft. The depties thanked the citizen for keeping them informed about Asians.
10:00 p.m. Rearmount. Jerry Tanf and Jose Sanchez were arrested upon being apprehended holding hands in a public park after sundown. They were ticketed for being gay, underage and interracial and sentanced to six months under Martina County's "ethnic three strikes" law that specifically targets the behavior of underage, inter-ethnic sexual deviants. After completion of jail sentance, they are ordered to 1500 hours of church attendance at a church of Judge Buster D. Hyman's choosing, and a good, hard spanking to be administered and witnessed in private by Judge Hyman and his pastor.
10:38 p.m. Brewman. A black cat was seen in a cornfield by a passing deputy driving on Co. Rd. 42. The deputy took pot shots at the animal from his service vehicle, in order to avoid crossing its path. It is believed that the animal got away.
3:00 a.m. Quadramont. A group of toothless, bald men were witnessed snorting a white powder off the hood of their parked car while drooling and twitching violently. A strong chemical odor emmanated from their vehicle, which upon cursory inspection contained four tanks of anhydrous ammonia in the backseat, along with 200 packages of cold medicine. The men said they were suffering from a cold, and were devout Pentecostal ministers practicing speaking in tongues. The investigating deputy praised them for their fine morals and moved on.
2:30 p.m. Bimont. A white couple was found engaging in amorous and salacious activity on the steps of the Martina County courthouse in broad daylight in front of a group of preschoolers on a fieldtrip from Innocent Little Lambs Preschool, but the couple was married and the missionary position is sanctioned and approved by area denominations, so the deputy asked the couple to take their time and finish up. Judge Buster D. Hyman ran out of his chambers in order to "witness" the act, but was too late.
12:00 p.m. Rearmount. A portable outhouse was discovered in the middle of State Street, when a motorist nearly hit it. It was removed and chastised.
4:12 p.m. Southrop. A citizen report led to the discovery of a fat, nude individual walking through a cornfield and striking at his gonads randomly with a riding crop while shouting, "Bad,Bad!" The individual was identified by his drivers' license, which was affixed to his chest by several yards of electrical tape. As the individual was only Judge Buster D. Hyman, he was asked by deputies to please stop acting so weird and pervy.
7:32 p.m. Brewman. A man was cited and fined for intentionally purging the contents of his stomach in order to cause mental distress to another citizen.
Deer Hit
8:53 p.m. Quadramont. A motorist driving driving down Hwy 15 struck a deer. The deer was taken to Rearmount Memorial Hospital where it was given better care than the motorist.
2:05 a.m. Southrop. A deer struck a motorist on 2nd Ave. W. because it was angry at what a lousy life it had, being a deer and all.
4:10 p.m. Southrop. A pedestrian struck a deer while walking down a sidewalk on 8th street because he was too cool to move out of the way and the deer was too dumb to move at all.
1:58 a.m. Rearmount. A deranged individual was cited for creating a freaky menance, when he was apprehended at the side of Hwy 15 consuming the remains of a deer he had struck. Judge Buster D. Hyman was also ordered by deputies to put on some clothes and get a life.
11:00 a.m. Brewman. A deer phoned police after being struck by a motorist on 5th street. When the officers arrived, they discovered that the deer indeed had a phone and knew how to talk. They officers then drew their service pistols, and shot the deer multiple times because they felt threatened by the idea of a talking deer with a cell phone, and the officers were convinced that the deer had committed treason.
Driving without a license plate.
1:00 p.m. Bimont. Mumby M. Mumblesome was picked up by Martina County Sherrif's depties for driving without a rear license plate, and for being Asian in a non-Asian area. She was fined $1500 by District Judge Buster D. Hyman, and ordered to stay out of Martina County until such time as she could refrain from being Asian.
Driving in A Ghetto Car, Bass turned Up
12:00 a.m. Southrop. Fornyme B. Chucklesberry was arrested for driving a hooptie without a hooptie endosement on his county ethnic identification card. Sentanced to 300 hours community service, fine waived in lieu of bribe, no jail on condition no same of similar violation for 23 days by Judge Buster D. Hyman.
2:03 a.m. Quadramont. Wilseth Runeforth was arrested for driving a jaloppy when his county ethnic identification card registered the vehicle (1983 El Camino) as a hooptie. Fine waived in lieu of change registration 3o days, no same or similar violations for one year.
4:45 p.m. Brewman. Carlotta Hernandes was arrested and jailed because her ethnic identification card listed "Mexican" as ethnicity, yet black music was witnessed playing in the car. She was taken to Martina County Jail for booking and because she was described by her arresting officers as hot, and the jailers wanted to have a look. She was released by Judge Buster D. Hyman, pending no same or similar violations/ continue to be hot.
Feb. 8, 2005
Suspicious Activity
5:23 p.m. Bimont. A suspicious man was seen walking on the sidewalk, on mainstreet. A citizen noticed the man, and called the police because he was out walking during supper time.
6:00 p.m. Rearmount. A citizen called in a suspicious activity complaint because he noticed his garbage missing from his driveway, although it had been just a few days earlier. Deputies informed the citizen that garbage day was two days ago, and sanitation workers had probably removed the citizen's garbage. The citizen replied that he heard that Asian gang actity was prominent in the area, including garbage theft. The depties thanked the citizen for keeping them informed about Asians.
10:00 p.m. Rearmount. Jerry Tanf and Jose Sanchez were arrested upon being apprehended holding hands in a public park after sundown. They were ticketed for being gay, underage and interracial and sentanced to six months under Martina County's "ethnic three strikes" law that specifically targets the behavior of underage, inter-ethnic sexual deviants. After completion of jail sentance, they are ordered to 1500 hours of church attendance at a church of Judge Buster D. Hyman's choosing, and a good, hard spanking to be administered and witnessed in private by Judge Hyman and his pastor.
10:38 p.m. Brewman. A black cat was seen in a cornfield by a passing deputy driving on Co. Rd. 42. The deputy took pot shots at the animal from his service vehicle, in order to avoid crossing its path. It is believed that the animal got away.
3:00 a.m. Quadramont. A group of toothless, bald men were witnessed snorting a white powder off the hood of their parked car while drooling and twitching violently. A strong chemical odor emmanated from their vehicle, which upon cursory inspection contained four tanks of anhydrous ammonia in the backseat, along with 200 packages of cold medicine. The men said they were suffering from a cold, and were devout Pentecostal ministers practicing speaking in tongues. The investigating deputy praised them for their fine morals and moved on.
2:30 p.m. Bimont. A white couple was found engaging in amorous and salacious activity on the steps of the Martina County courthouse in broad daylight in front of a group of preschoolers on a fieldtrip from Innocent Little Lambs Preschool, but the couple was married and the missionary position is sanctioned and approved by area denominations, so the deputy asked the couple to take their time and finish up. Judge Buster D. Hyman ran out of his chambers in order to "witness" the act, but was too late.
12:00 p.m. Rearmount. A portable outhouse was discovered in the middle of State Street, when a motorist nearly hit it. It was removed and chastised.
4:12 p.m. Southrop. A citizen report led to the discovery of a fat, nude individual walking through a cornfield and striking at his gonads randomly with a riding crop while shouting, "Bad,Bad!" The individual was identified by his drivers' license, which was affixed to his chest by several yards of electrical tape. As the individual was only Judge Buster D. Hyman, he was asked by deputies to please stop acting so weird and pervy.
7:32 p.m. Brewman. A man was cited and fined for intentionally purging the contents of his stomach in order to cause mental distress to another citizen.
Deer Hit
8:53 p.m. Quadramont. A motorist driving driving down Hwy 15 struck a deer. The deer was taken to Rearmount Memorial Hospital where it was given better care than the motorist.
2:05 a.m. Southrop. A deer struck a motorist on 2nd Ave. W. because it was angry at what a lousy life it had, being a deer and all.
4:10 p.m. Southrop. A pedestrian struck a deer while walking down a sidewalk on 8th street because he was too cool to move out of the way and the deer was too dumb to move at all.
1:58 a.m. Rearmount. A deranged individual was cited for creating a freaky menance, when he was apprehended at the side of Hwy 15 consuming the remains of a deer he had struck. Judge Buster D. Hyman was also ordered by deputies to put on some clothes and get a life.
11:00 a.m. Brewman. A deer phoned police after being struck by a motorist on 5th street. When the officers arrived, they discovered that the deer indeed had a phone and knew how to talk. They officers then drew their service pistols, and shot the deer multiple times because they felt threatened by the idea of a talking deer with a cell phone, and the officers were convinced that the deer had committed treason.
