Thursday, February 24, 2005
Area Hospital Uses New Therapy
Faremount. The Faremount Area Hospital/Mustard Health System is using new techniques to help cure their patients. The breakthrough therapy is called the "Red Tape Assumption" technique.
"The technique was developed more by our finance department rather than our medical staff." admits Dr. Horace Phleming, hospital director, "This technique involves sending our patients through a series of specialists before being even diagnosed. First, our patient goes makes an appointment via phone with their family doctor. Our appointment staff tells the patient that their doctor is booked up until next week, they in turn get referred to one of our physician assistants. They throw a few band aids or aspirin at the problem and within a week the patient returns to see their regular doctor. The doctor then examines them and prescribes a weak anti-biotic. The patient then returns possibly two or three times, each is case sensitive, til the doctor refers their patient to our specialists at the Mustard Clinic in Rochester."
The technique, now being used by other hospitals across the country, has been proven to cure most ailments and has generated much needed revenue for portriats, paintings, and "Highlights" children magazines in area clinic waiting rooms.
In one case, a male patient complained of a "barrel-sound" condition in his ears. First, our physician assistant prescribed a mild anti-biotic, three months later the patient returned still suffering with the condition. His Doctor then precribed a higher strength antibiotic. Three weeks later, still suffering, he was referred to our Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. They ran some unneeded tests on him and said they'd call with results at a later date. The patient used his own ingenuity and put peroxide in his ear and cleared out his ear canal. The hospital staff are proud that they helped him build his self-esteem through this excercise.
In other health news, the hospital has reported a high fatality rate in Panic Attacks suffered by the female population of Moon Valley county. "Most of our female patients that have died complain of heart pain and then die shortly after we release them, our staff is baffled." says ER staff physician Dr. Noughitall. "They seem to suffer from symptoms very much like myochardial infarctions, but then even the dumbest of people know that heart-attacks in women are unheard of."
"The technique was developed more by our finance department rather than our medical staff." admits Dr. Horace Phleming, hospital director, "This technique involves sending our patients through a series of specialists before being even diagnosed. First, our patient goes makes an appointment via phone with their family doctor. Our appointment staff tells the patient that their doctor is booked up until next week, they in turn get referred to one of our physician assistants. They throw a few band aids or aspirin at the problem and within a week the patient returns to see their regular doctor. The doctor then examines them and prescribes a weak anti-biotic. The patient then returns possibly two or three times, each is case sensitive, til the doctor refers their patient to our specialists at the Mustard Clinic in Rochester."
The technique, now being used by other hospitals across the country, has been proven to cure most ailments and has generated much needed revenue for portriats, paintings, and "Highlights" children magazines in area clinic waiting rooms.
In one case, a male patient complained of a "barrel-sound" condition in his ears. First, our physician assistant prescribed a mild anti-biotic, three months later the patient returned still suffering with the condition. His Doctor then precribed a higher strength antibiotic. Three weeks later, still suffering, he was referred to our Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. They ran some unneeded tests on him and said they'd call with results at a later date. The patient used his own ingenuity and put peroxide in his ear and cleared out his ear canal. The hospital staff are proud that they helped him build his self-esteem through this excercise.
In other health news, the hospital has reported a high fatality rate in Panic Attacks suffered by the female population of Moon Valley county. "Most of our female patients that have died complain of heart pain and then die shortly after we release them, our staff is baffled." says ER staff physician Dr. Noughitall. "They seem to suffer from symptoms very much like myochardial infarctions, but then even the dumbest of people know that heart-attacks in women are unheard of."
