The R.A.G. Files

ANAMIME, CA. Do you remember when you were a kid, and your parents maybe took you on that long hot ride (because your folks didn't have air conditioning) across the country to California to go to Dizzyland? Do you remember how excited you were to see Micky Ratt, Ronald Dukk, Goopy, and the rest? Oh sure, you were looking forward to the rides too, but to be able to put that little hand of yours in that giant gloved hand of Micky, that was the "stuff".
Not anymore, boy howdy! Now, the characters at Dizzyland have bodyguards. Sure, they're dressed up in pretty yellow polo shirts, but don't let the khaki's fool you, they will thump your rump if you get too rough with the Walt Dizzy characters.
Last weekend, a teenager went up behind the character Ligger (the fun-loving Liger from Winny the Poop) and kept tugging at his tail. Then Ligger turned around and his tail wacked the teen on the head. The teen retaliated by shoving Ligger, and Ligger shoved the kid away. That is what brought our loving little Ligger to Orange County Court. The teens parents are suing him for assualt.
C'mon, I'm standing in a hot furry suit all day in the California sun, and some teenaged prick comes up and starts pulling at me? Ligger just tried to puch the kid away, me? I'd leap on him, bounce his face off the happiest-place-in-the-world a few times and spit on 'im.

N'AWLINS, LA. If it wasn't enough to emperil the residents of N'Awlins with hurricane Katrina, reducing humanity to it's primal level, and then hitting it shortly there after with another tropical storm. Then to top that off, take their homes, their jobs and families and displace them across the country. God decides to throw in a swarm of killer bees.
As construction workers tried to demolish a gutted home, a swarm of Africanized Killer Bees decended upon them and chased them off. Then, bee keepers were sent in to collect them, they were chased off, then the pest control franchise was called in, and they were chased off.
FEMA, in an effort to put their name in a better light, destroyed their levee system to drown out the bees. Also, the National Guard wanting to shine up their PR scores hit the area with Napalm to wipe out the bees. Even the Ku Klux Klan showed up with crosses in one hand and torches in the other, when they heard it was "Africanized" bees. Alas, they were chased off as well.
The bees taken over the area and are now opening up condos along the coastline.

AWESOME, TX. The city of Awesome, Texas is known for good music, good food, good art culture, and it's also the new designated site for the "Lost Bird Graveyard". I know sounds ominous, especially since my name is Lost Bird, but nature picked this site, not me.
It seems a 10 block radius is the new place where birds migrate to during the winter months to die. The city quarantined the area until all the birds could be picked up and delivered to the CDC (Center for Disease Control).
It was a gruesome sight, like something out of Alfred Hitchcock. Birds of every kind littered the streets overnight with their carcasses. And started to cause a panic. People were shouting everything from "Terrorist Attack" to "It's a sign....A SIGN I tell you!!! It's the END!! The LORD'S WRATH is upon US!!! REPENT!!!!"
After scientist sweated over their bunson burners all afternoon it was found that the birds were actually at a batchelor party and they were all drunk and passed out.

N'YUK, N'YUK. The big apple was haunted again by rotten smells. Today's incident started at 9am. The smell was like a mixture of oil and kerosene. Calls were pouring in from everywhere, 9-1-1 was flooded, Con Eddy (N'Yuk's power supplier) was flooded with calls, the mayor's office was flooded with calls. All complaining of a natral gas-like smell.
The mayor stated, "Uh, don't worry, uh, we haven't found the, uh, source of the smell, but uh, I don't think it's uh, harmful to humans."
Then the mayor collapsed and ended up in the hospital to be treated for nausea and trouble breathing.
This isn't the first time N'Yuk City has been invaded by a bad smell. The first hit was a maple syrup smell, and the previous before the current was like a sulfur smell.
As it turns out, according to scientist who have found a way to capture the smell and analyze it, it's actually the result of all N'Yukers farting at the same exact time.

GLOBAL WARMING. Yeah, we're pretty well screwed here. It's happening, I'm no activist, but we're screwed. How do I know? I'm in south central Minnesota. It's January. Normally, we have 75mph winds, 6ft of snow, and windchills that drop off the scale. What's it doing in 2007? 50 degrees and sunny. We got hit with heavy normal snowfall New Years Eve, but it's pretty much leaving now. Also, I'm brown-skinned. I never used to sun burn. Now? I'm toast without xpf 50. So since Antarctica isn't settled and has no governing body, after the polar Ice caps are gone, I'm setting up shop! All hail, Overlord Lost Bird. Hmmm....will people follow a guy named "Lost" Bird??

IRAQ. More men and women will die senselessly. We will not restore order. And eventually we'll pull out solving nothing except maybe the American Over-population Theory.

GASOLINE. Gas will go up. And then down again. And then ridiculously high for awhile. Then it will go to the original price per gallon that they first changed it too, and we'll all go "$4.15 a gallon? Wow, Gee Dubya was right, the prices did go down."

ISRAEL. Jews will hate Muslims. Muslims will hate Jews. There will still be turmoil. How do I know? They've been fighting since the time of Moses, why would they stop now?

CRIME. Some will get raped, some will get killed, some will get robbed. And some will just sit and watch it happen.

GOSSIP. Some celebrity couple will get divorced. Nicole Retchie will still be skinny. Some professional sports star will be arrested for either drunk driving, sexual harrassment, or drugs.

LOCALLY. Minnesota will be the new West and East coast. Vlad Gephardt will make it mandatory to join the freemasons if you want to be a citizen of Moon Valley. Wall-Mart will successfully destroy all commerce in Faremount and surrouding communities and be the number one employer in Faremount.

R.A.G. FILES. Lost Bird will realize that nobody reads his stupid blog and that Hair-e Guy will never come back to write for the R.A.G. again and he will quit. Lost Bird will not get remarried, and he will end up some lonesome drunk on the verge of suicide.

UNITED STATES. Some Arab nation will hate us.

VIRGINIA. As famous TV Evangilist Shat Roberts sat soaking in his 5 yard jacuzzi, sipping Jesus Juice, and reading "How to Create Your Own Holy Crusade for Fun and Profit", the heavens opened up and the Lord spoke...
"SHAT!" thundered the Lord, "GET THINE LAZY ARSE FROM OUT OF THAT HOT TUB AND COME HITHER SO THAT I MAY TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT YEAR!"
After his conference with the almighty, Shat held a press conference from the balcony of his large estate which overlooks his Shat Roberts Bible College.
"People of Earth!" Shat shouted, "The Lord has spoken to me with tongues of fire. He does not bring me a message of hope but of death!! On American soil!! From Terrorists!! Come to Him now people! Give the Lord your credit cards and savings accounts, and you shall be saved from the heathen plot in 2007!!"
Leading a group of new eccstatic follwers, Shat marched them into his University for reprogramming singing "Onward Christian Sooooo-oh-jurrrss!"

IRAQ. We all knew it was going to happen, Sodomy Hussein was hanged while most of America was sleeping tight in their beds. Though many Americans think this was a good thing to happen, lets look at the consequences.
First of all, Arab television station Al Jaheera, got camera's in to see and tape the action. Then to make it better, American news channels started showing this tape of him hanging. Then, it was said that two Iraqi guards and an official taped the execution as well on their camera phones and released audio of them taunting the man and Sodomy acted more like a civilized human being than they did.
Watching all of this on his TV, a 10 year-old Texas boy went into his room after watching the execution, and hung himself.
Our government doesn't want to comment on this. Why? Because it's how our officers are treating our prisoners. Abu Graib?
The R.A.G. Files would like to offer this comment: "What the HELL is wrong with you people?"