The R.A.G. Files

KENTUCKY. For the last two years, government scientists working for the FDA have come up with this shocking conclusion: KDC's fried chicken is bad for your health. Yes, that's right. All those grants they received from our tax dollars found out that KDC's chicken contains fat in it which has been known to cause problems with the heart and obesity.
KDC, once known as Kentucky Dried Chicken back in the day but because the youth of today have short attention spans and can only read abbbreviations hence KDC. Has sprung into action with this new "discovery" and have decided to use something different to cook their chicken in.
"We done been workin' wit dem scien...si...see...them lab coated guys from the guvment," stated Colonel Saunders III, CEO of KDC, "an I done think we'se come up wit a good plan. I done thunked that if'n we used them soybeans the yanks is all crazy 'bout to cook'em in, then I guessin' it'd be right fine! I reckon, cousin Chester ort not molest dem chickun's neither."

FAREMOUNT. As the lines get longer for registration for Sheriff Gephardt's mounted volunteer posse, a questioned posed by some of the daring public: Isn't it against Faremount city ordinance to ride a horse within the city limits?
With angered response, Sheriff Gephardt replies, "Who dares question my authoritah? I enforce the laws, I don't have to follow them! Christ on a crutch you people, I'm trying to make this a safe county to live in!! Where the HELL is my goddamn Prozak?? Tonya?? Get me my f*cking Prozak!!"
While it is true, the city ordinance does state that it is illegal for anyone to ride a horse, donkey, camel, elephant, etc through the city limits unless with writ permit for parade use only.
Cheif Deputy of Moon Valley, Vlad Shady stated, "If it comes down to policy in legal matters, then we will just press charges against the mounted volunteers. We will handle this like any other matter withing the Sheriff's office, the shit will roll downhill."

FAREMOUNT. Alas, I have come down from my sarcasm with an update on the life and times of Lost Bird, Hair-e Guy and the R.A.G. Files.
Hair-e Guy: Hair-e is in transition. He came back early from his trip in South America as he needed emergency hemoroid surgery, which he had done down there and came back to the normalcy (bah-hah-hah) of the United States. He and his girlfriend Nice Spinner came bearing gifts. Thanks for the illegal rum, I'm still coming down off that trip. (hint: do not mix expensive rum and anti-depressants). They both took a hiatus from their hiatus at the Spam Spinner Relaxation Resort in Brewman. Spending a few weeks recooping and getting to know their neices. Then Hair-e bought himself a brand spanking new compact car (since gas was costing $10.50 a gallon then). This purchase also proved my assumption that Hair-e is selling more than herbs as he bought it without a job. No need to worry though, Hair-e and Nice are back in their same digs in St. Paul and he is working at a half-way house and Nice is helping out kids with disabilities in schools (hence, her nick name). Hair-e promises to contribute when the stress of the new job eases off a bit.
Lost Bird: Me, yes well, I'm working back in Faremount as that dirty SOB in Omaha never paid me for 8 months. I was unemployed for 3 months until a telemarketing company picked me up. Let me tell ya, selling cable and internet to the East Coast is like bringing McDonalds to a PETA convention. I've never been called more names than I did on that job. I'd rather be an African American cop in L.A. I'm still engaged. At least this week. But the love is still there. This week. ha-ha. Anyhow, I'm working for a scale manufacturer repairing scales. See what 2 years of art school, 2 years law enforcement school gets you? Anyhow, I'm off the anti-depressants, no insurance and with all the medical bills I was getting in the mail, well, that was just making me more depressed. I have a computer at home now so I don't have to worry about the Nazi at the library anymore. Also, I'm back with the band Down Tyme. The band is a disfunctional mess right now but I think we'll get it all ironed out soon.
R.A.G. Files: Well, we've finally reached the 1,000 viewer mark and I've been really impressed with where people are reading us. Syria, India, Spain, Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand, Sweden, Asia, and all over North America. Shouts go out to California, Florida, Washington, Virginia and a constant reader from Heron Lake, Minnesota. What do we plan in the future? Well, to be honest, this whole thing started as an excercise to get our writing juices going and as a way to vent our frustration over the local and the main government, and now a year later...At anyrate. Want to thank those of you who read us regularly. I'm hoping that some of you are getting the word out on this blog if you like it. And please comment often. But I'm avoiding the subject of the future...well, my plans are to do some advertising. Nothing big, maybe some bumper stickers and some t-shirts, buttons...if you have some interest in this please drop me an email. I am getting tired of covering up the names of people and places in the R.A.G., and will be looking into legal matters regarding this. It's been really fun so far doing this and what a great way to vent! I'm also thinking of taking on some of your stories in the R.A.G. Afterall, it would be nice to see how ludacris your town is. More on that later, I'll have to come up with some guidelines and stuff. But keep reading and tell your friends about how you read about the wonderful city of Faremount, nestled in the county of Moon Valley, in the state of Minnesota, in the Midwest of the United States, in the continent of North America, in the Western Hemisphere, on the planet Earth, in the Milky Way, in the Universe....

WASHINGTOON, D.C. "...he just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich!" Australian expatriots of the United States are in an uproar over President Gee Dubya's embargo on the Australian delicacy Vegemite.
The paste that looks rather gross but tastes better than peanut butter has been banned from the United Stated because of the way it's processed.
"Crikey!" cried out one Australian expatriot, "It's bad enuff we're still recoverin from th' loss o' th' croc hunter Stevie Irwin, now we've got to go without me Vegemite!"
Gee Dubya also ordered that the band "Men at Work" get back together and change the line in their song "Down Under" to say: "...he just smiled and gave me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!"

FAREMOUNT. After skipping another dose of his Fluoxitine and Morphine, Fuhrer Sheriff Vlad Gephardt creates another branch of his ever growing sheriff's office. The Moon Valley Posse.
From the pages of yesteryear, riding high on the steed of justice, the county of Moon Valley will no longer be scourged by the heathen and the meth addict. Sheriff Vlad is taking applications for a volunteer mounted posse for 2007.
The volunteers have to provide their own horse, pass a background check, go to Gross Lutheran Church, have never been divorced, kiss major sheriff arse, and pay $50 for membership. They will in turn received the Moon Valley nazi-brown uniform, and the right to plunder and pillage at will. Turn in every terrorist suspect, meth addict, half-breed, and democrat.
"It will bring back the nostalgia of mob mentality." Gephardt smiles, "The posse will be patroling our citywide garage sales, you know what kind of crime garagesales breed! Also, the Moon Valley Fair, and that pinko commie 'Cornstock' those peace loving idiots in Chunnell started. We'll put an end to their hippie dealings but quick!"
Dog catcher extrodinaire, Craig Fowlest, will be responsible for cleaning up horse "apples" in the city limits.

FAREMOUNT. It was a beautiful October evening. Out front, Banana Spinner, Lost Bird's eldest step-daughter, was playing with her younger sister Kate and a neighborhood friend. Suzanne prepared a delicious meal in the kitchen and Lost Bird was living out his dream as a rock n roll star in some roadhouse in Welcum.
A group of boys, ages 9-10, decided to scare the girls in the front yard. One boy took his teasing too far. One Lazarus, grabs Banana from behind around the neck and with the other hand holding an unknown foreign object, pretends to slash her throat. In reality, he slashes her face. From her bottom lip to the side of her cheek there lies a shallow cut.
Suzanne tries to talk about the incident with the boy's mother. She in turn threatens Suzanne and tells her to keep her daughter out of her f-ing yard. "Your son was in OUR yard." Suzanne replied. The conversation went nowhere.
The police were then called. One of Faremount's finest, Officer Gene Awesome, went to Lazarus' home and interviewed him and his mother. He then tiresomely went back to eating donughts and picking his linty ass in a back alley.
Later in the evening, Banana's grandmother, a Ms. Spam Spinner called up the officer who was working on a huge peice of lint. She asked if he had done anything about the incident.
"What incident?" he asked annoyed, "The kids were just playing together and messing around and all he did was scratch her."
"How do you know she was scratched?" Spam replied, "You didn't even take photos or talk to her?"
"Look you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I don't need you to sit there and tell me how to do my job..."
Spam then hung up on the officer, leaving him to his butt cleansing rituals.
My take on this? So am I to tell my step-daughter, sorry, but if you get jumped or assaulted in your own front yard, the cops won't do anything about it.Faremount PD, one of the highest paid police officers in the state. Faremount PD, population 11,500 people, and there are more officer's per capita here than in Minneapolis and St. Paul put together. I will leave the opinions up to you.

**If everyperson in the United States of America, from children to adult donated a single dollar, it would end poverty in this country.

**If you work 4 jobs (like say at a Newspaper full-time, radio station part-time, Courier job part-time, and plowed snow during winter months part-time) to save money and reported every penny to the IRS, you would pay more taxes and make less money than someone on welfare who does not work and sits at home.

**Children have to be taught to lie, cheat, kill, and hate. Yet as adults, we don't understand "where they learn it from."

**It takes a catastrophe to bring an entire community together.

NEW YORK CITY. After six years from 9-11. The date that put America on High Alert, turned us all into bigots against Arabs, Muslims, 7-11's, Quickie-Mart employees, and anyone carrying a box cutter. The date that supposedly stepped up our national security. Where grandmothers with emphysema get stripped searched at airports, women carrying breast milk or water bras get fondled. A New York Yankees' picture, sadly at the cost of his life, can take a small private jet, fly it into Manhattan, and crash it into a New York high rise apartment building killing 2 people inside, and the 8 people on board.
Was there any warning from the FAA monitoring the flight? Was there a super high-speed jetfighter there to intercept it? Was the military sweating bullets over a monitor waiting for a go ahead from Gee Dubya?
Perhaps there was, all that, the details are still sketchy and will maybe released at a later date. In the meantime, let's look at how safe this makes the average American feel. Let's look at how this makes the average New York City citizen feel....