The R.A.G. Files

FAREMOUNT. When you live in a neighborhood with homes that have barely stood the tests of time and you want to try and improve the look of your home, you had better go through the city council first.
Carl Meyer tried just that. He was trying to put on a deck on the front of the house to spruce it up. The Faremount city council ordered him to cease his actions. When asked why, the council told him that it doesn’t fit with the rest of the neighborhood. The rest of the neighborhood? Across the street from Carl’s home is a delapitated Meth house, where the rear wall of the basement is caving in. The windows are boarded up among some of the homes on this block. From being smashed out at parties, or just vagrancy.
So Carl, wanting to keep up with the city’s wishes, decided to turn his deck into a dog kennel for pit bulls, he dug his yard up, bought a hulk of a rotting car and placed it in the driveway, tore the door off his garage, boarded up a couple of windows, and dumped six ashcans of cigarette butts on his front yard.
“There,” he panted, “now I’m even with the rest of the neighborhood.”

IRAQ. Just released home video of a truck convoy delivering goods from one end of the desert to the next being ambushed by separatists and shot at raises another scandal that was almost covered up.
Halibury Corporation, a company tied to Gee Dubya and Vice President Dick, was supposed to, by contract, provide armed support and protection to Halibury employees who were transporting goods in Iraq. According to the firm, this always happens by either military support or hired guns. On this particular episode, a wounded truck driver for Halibury came back with video footage he shot of his convoy being ambushed and the “protection” they were provided took off leaving the convoy to die. The trucker was shot and left for dead but actually lived to bring the tape back to the States which will soon start inquiries on the incident.
Unrelated, the truck driver was invited to go hunting with Vice President Dick in Texas for his heroic bravery.

CHICANO, IL. In an effort to bring more people to their amusement parks, 6 Fags Adventure Park is holding a contest during their Halloween themed weekends in October. The prize includes a Season pass for the next year at the amusement park. All you need to do, eat a Madagascar hissing cockroach. Not a lot, just one. Taking their cue from the popular show “Fear Factor”.
The animal rights group PITA (People Illegalizing Touching Animals) has stepped forward and is battling the Theme Park on the rights of the poor cockroaches. This action coming after the scandal of two executives of PITA were busted starving their dog’s too death. We at the R.A.G. Files support the humane treatment of all living things, but cockroaches? Cockroaches? Is there any thought at all that there will come a time when cockroaches will be extinct or endangered? And if they were, would anyone really miss them. And another thing that should be looked into is, can they be used as a food source? Then why aren’t Angelina and Brad trying to feed the hungry with them?
PITA is also in litigation against the state of Minnesota trying to stop trapping. The reasons being that other animals are being caught in these traps, and the animals that are caught usually suffer a slow and painful death.

WASHINGTOON, D.C. Just when the you thought the days of mobsters and goodfellahs were over with the death of John Gotti, meet the new godfather of Costa Nostra, Don Dubya.
That’s right. In an investigation brought on by the Democrats, they’ve link the current administration with infamous mob boss, “Righty” Malone. Who has on numerous occasion showered the current cabinet with gifts and plenty of backing. So, is Gee Dubya in the back pocket of the Mafia? How can I say, without risking the life of my dearest ones?
It does explain a lot of things. ENRON and the suicides, the accidental Dick Shootings, and the last two elections. After all, look how Kennedy got into office.
In similar news related to President Dubya, he announced that he is using certain “connections” to make sure that Osama “gets what’s coming to him”. Following rumors of Osama’s death, he is quoted as saying, “These aren’t rumors, Osama is sleeping with the fishes. Trust me.” And then he pointed at his nose.

FAREMOUNT. In a public outcry from local churches and the editorial staff of the Faremount Sentenial, they are trying to boycott a play coming to the area. The play is about the life and death of a young gay man. Who grew up in this area and was bruttaly assualted and killed and left in a corn feild to die.
The church's stand is echoed by the Faremount local newspaper, the Sentenial. Both parties beleive that this play should not be shown, and especially not to young people. Why? Because the Church and the Sentenial beleive that programs about gay people should not have a place here in Moon Valley. Why teach our kids about the real world? Why show them the outcome of close-minded intolerance? This entire area is nothing but a giant facade that likes to cover up their problems, and everything gets shoved under the rug. It's for these reasons that blog's like this are around. I am releasing the real name of this newspaper that agrees to this close minded hypocrisy..."the Sentinel". You can find their crap online at fairmontsentinel.com.
My hat goes off to Hair-e who took on the editorial staff and the closeminded views of this community in an editorial.

ROME. In a peace summit with Muslim leaders, Pope Beenadick IIXXVIVIX apologizes for the ancient Roman text that criticizes the Muslim religion founder Mohammad, calling him a heathen and evil.
This coming at a time of Ramadan, the widely celebrated Muslim holiday. Muslim leaders then asked for apologies for the Crusades as well. "Your ancestor sent out thousands of soldiers to cleanse the earth my ancestors based on our religion. I want an apology for this."
"Well, I uh..." the Pope stuttered.
Another Muslim stood up and asked, "What about the hatred your church is spreading not only to Muslims but to other protestant religions?"
"Now, come on, those aren't really relig..." the Pope backed away.
Just then, a young jewish boy came in, "Pardon me, sir and sirs, what about both your religions extreme hatred for my race and the genocide you've brought towards my people? And, Pope, weren't you a part of the Nazi Youth Brigade in your younger days?"
The Muslims and the Pope looked at each other, bowed their heads, and then decided to crucify the young jew.

ST. PAUL. With the election bringing out all the garbage, especially from the Republicans, One Senator Oshkosh stepped up to the podium to give his comments on the American public turning to the Hybrid vehicles and economy vehicles and the empending doom of the Ford motor company.
"You know, that's all we need in America is another damn jap car!" he started in front of Japanese Minnesota residents,"It's bad enough you people take our jobs, hell you own Hawaii, and now you're coming up with fuel efficient electric cars! I've got nothing against you gooks, I just hate your damn cars!"
Just then, the crowd stuffed him into a Hyundai Sonata and pushed the vehicle into the Mississippi river where the crowd hopes he ends up in the Gulf of Mexico.

ST. PAUL. With the primary confusing even the most electorally educated masses, along comes the mud slinging and we all know, no matter what party you kinder to, it becomes a middle-school name calling fest.
Case inpoint, Democratic canidate for senate Musaif Mabib Desoto X Mc Ellison is campaigning whil being criticized by the Republicans as a racist. FUel fo rthis fire? Mc Ellison is Muslim. Not your everyday run of the mill, praise Allah Muslim, his name has been attached to Louis Fornikahn, current leader of the Nation Of Islam.
His oppressor? Republican of district 5, Senator Fien. A Jewish man who claims that Mc Ellison is racist against Jews and is an embarassment to hte district, the state, the country and the world, comparing him to Ku Klux Klan leader David Dupes.
Though Mc Ellison has replied, "Tell that stinkin' hook nose kike jew boy to shut his heathen ass up, our people will take from his what is rightfully ours!!"
IN all seriousness, though, Senator Fienis telling the public not to vote for Mc Ellison based on his religion. Mc Ellison in reality has commented that Fein's statements didn't deserve a reply as they are racist.
Now take for instance if canadate A was a Baptist and canidate B was a Catholic. Would there be any implication against one for being a fundalmentalist with water fetishes or a Virgin worshipping self-loathing Pope lover? I think not, it's just another one of the ignorant Republican slams, that are using fear and racism in these times to win a political race. After all, as long as there aren't any Scientologists running, I'm okay with it.
Hang on, Isaac Hayes and Tom Cruise are on the line.....

WELCUM/SHERBERT. Police Cheif Vlad Huge was on high pursuit, his cruiser exceeding 110mph with his two children in back. There was a drunk on the road and he was on a mission that morning to get that drunk off it. That drunk, was him.
After many citizen and fellow officer complaints of public drunkedness, laziness, and sexual harassment, the cheif finally pulled one that the County couldn't cover up anymore.
Moon Valley Sheriff, Vlad Gephardt was extremely angry, as he had spent most of his career as sheriff covering up for him. ONe incident involved Cheif Huge "aiding" a neighbor woman who was going through a divorce. IN which case, the cheif then decided that was coming on to him with all those tears and such, and he tried to put the moves on her. THis incident was reported by one of his officers Shane Cartier. Sheriff Gephardt then transferred Shane to the middle of the Pacific ocean for opening his mouth and breaking the "Code".
Now Vlad Huge is looking at 9 months in the Moon Valley County Jail and the loss of his lisence as it was a gross misdemeanor blowing a .25 blood alcohol level and having his children in the car with him.
Sheriff Gephardt, adding to his steam, was recently criticized for being a little too "gung-ho" with their safe and sober campaign by County Commissioner Steve Pearce, and that their actions of the local police have given Moon Valley the reputation of a Nazi County. These alegations stemming from police sitting outside of bars waiting for people to drive home. "It's like fishing in a bucket." Pearce stated.

WASHINGTOON, B.C. After putting his wreath on the spot where flight 93 crashed on 9-11, when passengers decided they weren't going to let some religious freak take them out with a boxcutters without a fight, President Gee Dubya was called on by Democrats about the findings of how he misinformed the public about the Iraq/Osama/9-11 war.
State reps on both sides argued throughout session on hoe the current administration is sending our soldiers to die for a lie.
"Starting a war under false pretenses is reckless, and illegal! Not to mention the breaking of the Geneva convention's listing on treatment of prisoners-of-war!" shouted one Democrat. The Republicans swatted back with, "You people just aren't patriots!"
Oddly enough, said Democrats were invited by Vice President Dick to go on a hunting trip with him the next day.
"It's our (Republican) way of saying, let's let bygones be bygones." Said the Vice President.

FAREMOUNT. After the 5th anniversary of worldwide mayhem of 9-11, the good citizen's of Faremount got together for the primary election. Who shows up at a primary, you ask? Well, certainly not me, hell I didn't even know it was happening. This is Lost Bird here, I don't get the newspaper, and I only have one channel on my TV set and I don't even watch that! At anyrate, sadly, most my news is taken from the local rag called the Faremount Sentiniel, and it's usually some copy I ripped off from a co-worker. heehee.
Voting on who to vote for, have you ever heard of such a travesty? The main person I was concerned about, dear readers was the Moon Valley County Sheriff, Vlad Gephardt. The tyrannical head of public safety in the county. A man, so powerful in himself, that he single-handedly started legislation at our state's capitol to have you carded, backchecked and strip searched before you can purchase cold medicine. Legislation that didn't stop meth labs, but kept the sick, sick. You had better hope your share of psuedo ephedrine kicks your colds ass the first time, because if you purchase another bottle, you're on the Gephardt list.
At anyrate, I was interested to see who was running against him this election. To my dismay, no one. He will fill out another 4 years so that he can push to get his new jail built and put that notch on his self-esteem.
But on a lighter note, State Representative Boob Gunter has another opponent this election year and this one has come credentials and hopefully, a lot of backing. The last guy was a 21 year old mayor of a dead southern Minnesota town of SeeLawn. ANd the only thing credible he brought to the table was "Playstation 3's in every household!"

Whatthe, Wisconsin. From the state that brought you famous furniture maker Edward Gein, and those crazy cannibalistic concoctions of Jeffery Dahlmer, three teens were arrested for allegedly planning to knock boots from a resident of Boot Hill.
A set of twins and a friend were arrested at the Fresh Meat Memorial Gardens after buying a box of condoms. When questioned by police, the boys were bragging that they were planning on "baggin' a babe". The only problem with this is that the "babe" in question has been buried in the cemetery for the last four days.
The three Star Trek Nerds were crying like babies as they said they were not able to get a date since they've been dating age, and after watching several episodes of the Directors Cut of Star Trek, the Final Frontier, they planned on getting it on with a former teacher.
"She was really hot." one guffawed, "She was like our home ec teacher and we got our first erection from taking her class."
The parents of these boys were proud to say, "Well, at least they were wearing protection. I always tole mah son's that if'n they was gonna bag somethin' do it with yer rain coat on."