The R.A.G. Files

New Orleans. Hurricane Katrina swept in like a giant blanket of death amongst the people of Louisianna and Mississippi. Killing those in the thousands, flooding and destroying over 90 percent of the homes, families are broken up, and gas has risen.
Thats right, President Gee Dubya has blamed today's gas prices of $3.21 per gallon on Hurrican Katrina. What the hell is next? First it was 9-11, then the Afghan war, then the Iraqi war, now it's a freakin' hurricane that causes gas prices to rise. What's next? "Well, because the sky has been blue for the last 3 years gas is now $ 14.50 a gallon!" Jesus H. on a crutch!!
Acts of God are creating a rise in gas prices and now we'll be hearing crap like, well, because J.Lo decided to divorce Marc Anthony gas is going up. How freakin stupid do these jerks think we are?
And why are some of you listening to these email boycotts on gas? You'll either fill up the day before or the day after and it's not going to hurt the oil companies anyways if you boycott for a few days. Don't you find it weird that the same gas that's in the tanks at your local gas station that was $2.40 yesterday all of a sudden costs $3.19 today? C'mon, people! If you want to know the real effect a gas boycott won't have go to snopes.com and look up the article entitled "Pain in the Gas" and you'll see. We are being scammed by the oil companies! If you really want to hurt the oil companies, start using mass transit, commuting, carpooling, etc. Stop buying gas sucking SUV's! Buy a pick up because you use it for work! You can write that off (gas, milege etc). Not because it's trendy! Christ!
The United States is not even close to having to use it's emergency reserve. Besides, aren't we over there protecting and defending these countries that have all the oil? I mean c'mon! This might sound like a right-wing view, but our government complains of having to use foriegn oil, well, we liberated Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq. Why don't we just claim them as U.S. soil and badda bing we've got oil bearing states!
Quit listening to all the hype from the U.S. Government! Our president owns oil companies, has big t-bone steak dinners with Arabs that supply us oil with our tax dollars, so why isn't he chumming it up with them and telling them to lower the prices? Why? Because this is all money in his pocket.
I'm tired of being raped at the gas pumps, you can't even smoke when it's over!

Rearmount. A serious crisis is growing and looming in the city. Now that all the meth users have been immolated and kindness has been stamped out and the strangers run out of town there is one threat that continues to rise. Simply put, the people of Rearmount are full of shit.

According to public health researcher, Dr. E.R. Exercise, "we did a survey of 25 colons and found that 9 out of ten with filled up to the top." The survey was conducted by listening to people tell stories at bars, supper clubs, the VFW, town hall and the courthouse. "We are forced to conclude that the people here are full of shit. Listen to them talk for 3 minutes and you can tell."

In order to un-loom the looming crisis, people are being encouraged to shut up, read a book, and obtain a free poop bag from one of many brown colored mail boxes set up for that purpose. The bags contain pills that will help people learn to unload their colons, including all the crap they think they know but really don't. If the innovative Poop Bag program suceeds in Rearmount, it may be extended to all of Martina County, where 63% of the people are believed to be full of shit.

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Robertson, VA. Days ago on his highly-rated, tele-vangelistic, "news" program, "The 900 Club", CEO Shat Robertson stated that he wanted to have the president of Venezuela asassinated for reasons of supporting communism and the muslim religion.
After taking a lot of flak from both sides for making that statement, he reiterated on national TV that he was taken out of context.
"I didn't mean asassinate him," Robertson stated, "I meant take him out, you know like kidnapping him or something."
More criticism came, even from his Christian followers stating that they feel like fools for following such a megalomaniac and want to set in motion all the money they've been sending him. A secret investigation into where these funds are going uncovered documents stating that the Shat Robertson College of True Faith Ministries was really a front training fundalmentalist Christian Jihad soldiers to take out key Muslim, Communist, and Liberal establishments.
The following day, Mr. Robertson stated, "They are soldiers for Jesus. And uh, my statement yesterday was also taken out of context. I...uh meant to say take him out (Venezualen Prez), like on a date. He's a very handsome man, and I just love those latino's."
Key board members of the 900 Club are debating whether to just take Shat Robertson off the air and find a place in the dessert for him.

Operating a Mexican without a license

Quadramont. A landscape foreperson was arrested and charged for operating several Mexican workers without displaying a Mexican license. The Mexicans were legal resident aliens with valid work permits. The foreperson claimed that he was not "operating" the Mexicans, but merely directing them to perform tasks such as ditch enlargement, shrubbery relocation and multidimensional structural assesment of social demographic data using multiple regression analysis of longitudinal surveys.

Brewman. A pig farmer was investigated for operating a Mexican without a license. It was later found that the farmer did indeed have a license to operate up to 15 Mexicans and a special endorsement to exploit them in the areas of low wages, no health care and gender discrimination. However, during the course of the investigation it was discovered that one Mexican who had no papers and called himself "Manuel Le Bore" was arrested and conscripted by Sherriff C. Gethard to immolate methamphetamine addicts at the Martina County Meth Addict Immolation Pit and Picnic Grounds.

Rearmount. Dirk Diggler, aged 23 years, cited for operating a Mexican without a license. Ordered to pay $30 fine and 1 day in jail. Sentance stayed by Judge Buster Hyman no same/similar violation for period of 15 consecutive days.

Bimont. Zander Gladforth, aged 65 years cited for operating a Mexican in unsafe/reckless manner after ordering a worker to destroy a lightpost with a front-end loader. License to operate Mexicans and unspecified Latino origin revoked pending 30 days in the klink and 1 month sensitivity and awareness classes. Sentance commuted to 1/2 hour in the klink and 1 minute of sensitivity classses, no revocation of license pending no same/similar violation for 40 days and take Judge Hyman to closest titty bar, pay for unlimited drinks/lap dances until His Honor is 86'd.

Insufficiently impolite/not hostile to strangers

Rearmount. A man was arrested and sentanced to 40 days probation for waving at someone he did not know from out of town through the windshield of hos truck as he was driving. The "stranger" who returned the wave was a Martina County Sherrif's deputy who took part in an undercover sting operation to arrest people whose level of kindness, friendliness or gregariousness is not in line with the community standards for suspicion and ill will. "We always bust a lot of johns when we do one of these stings," explained Sherriff C. Gethard. The sherriff explained that "john" is ordinarily a slang term that applies to men to patronize prostitutes, but since there are no hookers in Rearmount (skanks only) the term "john" is applied to anyone who seems too friendly, polite, nice or a democrat "like John Denver," explained a deputy. "Or John Kerry," said another deputy. "Or JFK," said someone else. "Or John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt," cried the Village Idiot.

Southrop. A farmer was spotted giving automobile directions to a person he did not know. Local police found no reason for the action but the farmer had not yet used up his quota of Finite Random Acts of Kindness on his 2005 Limited and Void Where Prohibited Martina County Kindness To Strangers License. The farmer will be kept under suveillance until such time as kindness can be declared a mental illness and all kind people can be taken away for treatment and drugged until they drool.

Grainola. A woman stopped her car and telephoned for help when she saw another motorist stranded with automobile engine trouble. After investigating, police discovered that she knew the stranded motorist although the woman did not know she knew who the stranded motorist was when she made the call. The woman was cited and fined under the Intent To Help A Stranger But Helped A Friend By Accident clause of the anti-stranger friendliness law in effect across Martina County. She will break rocks in Judge Hyman's backyard until His Honor grows weary of watching.

Faremount. What do you do when you've had one job taken from you because a newly elected sheriff doesn't like you? And then another job you get forces you to work 24 hours straight on a daily basis? Then another job promises to treat you fairly and then threatens to fire you on a daily basis? Then you finally get a great paying job and they lay you off because your only temporary help? Then you pick up a part time job and they work you 18 hours a week, and then call you on a Sunday morning and tell you that they are closing the doors and your out of a job? Then, pile on a house payment and two kids you raise on your own and tell me how you survive that.
One Suzanne Spinner is. As she got a call from her boss at Gruel and Fuel convenience mart, stating that the owners decided they couldn't afford to pay for the gas to fill the tanks at the gas station and closed their doors. Not only that, she was out of a job. "Sorry and good luck" her boss Puddy said.
Ms. Spinner thought something was up as the food served there was outdated, the milk cooler was filled with sour unprocessed cottage cheese from expired cartons, mouse turds decorated the area displaying fresh pastries, the ceiling was caving in from the air conditioner leaking, and all fuel tanks were emptied except for the Premium pumps.
As the buck gets passed around legislation, the gas prices rise, the cost of products rise, independent truckers take a hit, more of us out of work, ah yes Gee Dubya, my starving kids say "Thankya".

Toffee. Just north of Toffee, MN, is part of the great expanse of forests, lakes, bogs and rivers known to the die-hard campers as the Borderline Waters Canoe Area. It was in this area that a harmless Brown bear was attacked by Hair-e Guy, roving reporter for the R.A.G.
While camping at base camp, Mr. Bear had found himself behind a blue pick-up truck belonging to one Hair-e Guy. The aroma of French Toast ingredients wafted from the bed of the truck.
"Whattami gonna do, hah?" explained the bear, "I mean, they's teasing us bears with this stuff labeled 'people food' and they flaunt it in front of us primal types. Tell me what you'd do, lessee, berries and pine cones or bread and eggs? I mean c'mon!"
Mr. Bear decided to take out the back window of the truck topper and helped himself to the nourishment in the back. Just then, Hair-e comes out of the tent and starts screaching at the top of his lungs.
"Dis guy looks like some Al Queda freak!" continued Mr. Bear, "He's jumpin around yelling obscenities at me. So I gave him the stare down."
"I really should have paid attention to Lost Bird during his Violence Training Camp," stated the flustered Hair-e Guy, "I kept trying to think of the song he told me to think of whenever the situation arose, but all I could think of was William Hung's Livin' LaVida Loca. If it wasn't for Nice Spinner having my back and the threat of me giving the bear a staph infection, I'd be bear chow now."

Faremount. The deer population has been a problem in the Moon Valley area for quite some time. Like, there ain't enough of them!
the Faremount police department has decided to take part in a citywide project to lower the deer population using the tools and technology available to them.
Faremount officer Shank Seeman, Dike Humper, and one who wanted to remain anonymous, showed off thier hunting skills using their squad spotlight, their in-car video system, a Glock pistol, and sharp shooting abilities to bag themselves a deer.
Driving on the outskirts of Faremount where deer are usually struck by runaway combines, the officers were showing off their handywork in the Moon Valley Jail's video machine.
"Hey, looky there!" cried officer Seeman, "that's when I done spotted me a deer!"
The video shows a 7-pount buck in black and white, coming up onto the shoulder from the ditch. Officer Seeman's spotlight goes on, stunning the deer.
"Yep," officer Humper sighs, "this is where my expert abilities in sniper fire pay off."
A flash appears breifly on the right of the screen. the deer totters and falls. You can hear Officer Seeman howling like a Hee-Haw reject. Then, the unidentified officer pulls up in his truck and puts the deer in the bed and drives off.
So, the next time you're out on the backroads of Moon Valley near Faremount, thank Faremount's finest for ensuring the safety of your vehicle, your family and you.

Washingtoon, D.C. As the Bub Scouts of America gathered for a ceremony to honor and mourn the 4 Bub Scouts Leaders who were struck by lightning for smiting the Lord, President Gee Dubya came to comfort the young men.
"I reckon ya'all pretty sad, huh?" he stated, "Well, if'n they didn't smite the good Lord, well, I reckon they'd be in a happier place. But since they done smited the big 'G', then I reckon they probably burnin like a s'more over wunna yer bon fires in the sulfur pits of Hades."
The crowd of Bub Scouts broke out in a loud sob, together in harmony. Even President Dubya dropped a tear or two from his eyes.
As the ceremony ended, jaded-has-been pop star MJ held a private sessions of "healing" as he calls it, for the greiving Bub Scouts. The "healing tents" are made up like circus big tops and free cans of "Hey Zues Juice" were passed out for the kids.
"It's a hard time for all of them." MJ stated, "even me. I think together we can heal each other. I can serve their needs, and they...can serve mine...hee heee."