The R.A.G. Files

**Names were not changed to honor their memory. If you were a mean bastard you were not mentioned.

-Shelly Winters: actress
-Wilson Pickett: singer/songwriter (Mustang Sally)
-Coretta Scott King: Martin Luther King's widow (Equal rights activist globally)
-Al Lewis: actor(grandpa of Munsters)
-Betty Friedan: lead activist for the feminist movement
-Don Knotts: actor(Barney Fife/Mr. Furley)
-Mike Douglas: actor/talkshow host
-Ann Richards: former Democrat Texas Governor
-Steve Irwin: conservationist
-Jack Palance: actor
-Ed Bradley: news anchor 60 Minutes
-Robert Altman: director
-James Brown: singer/Harlem activist
-Gerald Ford: Former President

May they rest in peace, and thank you for making a difference in our world.

WASHINGTOON, DC. The Democrats take back the House, leaving the Republicans running for the (capitol) hills. There was a lot of back pedalling on issues dealing with Iraq.

IRAQ. America and allied forces spend their 3rd year in Iraq. After capturing Sodomy Hussane, it's been extremely bloody for both military and civillian and now Gee Dubya is wondering if maybe we shouldn't have gone in there at all. By the way, where's Osama? Speaking of Mr. Hussane, he was just hung moments before the release of this entry.

NEW AWLINS. In the aftermath of hurricane Katrina, the government realizes it's ill-equipped to deal with natural disater and after thousands of fraudulent disaster claims, nearly bankrupt FEMA funding, while REAL survivors of the hurricane are still homeless and displaced.

DENMARK. A Danish cartoonist draws a political cartoon depicting Muslim Icon Muhammed as a terrorist. This in turn created an uprise in some Muslims and they burned embassies, cars and other buildings in protest, stating that Muslims are not terrorists.

UPDERE,PA. The Amish prove they aren't immune to what goes on in the outside world as a man shoots up an Amish colony school. Leaving 5 dead and several others injured before turning the gun on himself.

INDONESIA. God proves that he hates Indonesia after first hitting them with a Tsunami and wiping out half the population in 2004, and then taking the rest out this year with a high scale earthquake.

ENGLAND. After British intelligence uncovers a terrorist plot involving liquid explosives and flights into the United States, the FAA bans any liquids transported on airplanes. Leaving many nursing mothers at the security check point milking their breasts dry before boarding.

TEXAS. Gee Dubya okays tax dollars to put up 700 miles of fencing along the Texas/Mexico border. The next day, our tax dollars are laying in scraps along the Texas/Mexican border.

WASHINGTOON, DC. After all his lies had been revealed and the Dems took the House, Ronald Dumsfeild resigns with Gee Dubya being the only one giving his service praise.

GAS PUMPS. This year also brought on every excuse the oil companies could fork out for high gas prices. The state of Minnesota went over the national average at $3.30 a gallon.

AFRICA. Once again, celebrities show that money buys you everything. Brad Spitt, Tangalina Julie, Madumma, buy their way through the adoption red tape adopting African orphans.

HOLLYWOULD. We find out the Gel Mibson hates Jews, and Cozmo Kramer hates blacks.

FAREMOUNT. Vlad Gephardt beats out Lost Bird for the position of Moon Valley Sheriff. He also starts a mounted volunteer posse. And to pay for the expenses of the posse he is selling a calendar with photos of his beloved Deputies and Jailer. Tawnya Skowl is happy to be miss June.

The R.A.G. Files passes the 1000 hits mark on it's blog site.

DownTyme disbands. After one member moved to Omaha, another getting in trouble for stealing money form old people in a nursing home, and then another found in a hotel with another woman by his wife. The band becomes dysfunctional and disbands.

FAREMOUNT. 49 year old, Ronald Madson, was being picked up on a warrant when he admitted he had child pornography on his computer. When Moon Valley Sheriff Deputies investigated they did find many explicit photos and material with naked children on it.
After interviewing former victums of Mr. Madson, they said that he would get them drunk or high with marajuana and then ask them to do things naked while he photographed them. One teen said he got really drunk and passed out and when he awoke, Madson was masturbating with himself lying next to him.
After going to court for these charges, Moon Valley District Court Judge Talker decided that if Michael Johnson the pop singer can do this, why shouldn't Madson get away with it too. So he sentenced Madson to 10 months probation and told never to do that nasty deed again.

PANKATO. He took the call. It was a call for help on a domestic disturbance in the small rural central Minnesota town of Ambouis. Approximately 50 minutes from the city of Pankato, but he was there.
Officer Sandyduck arrived on scene. The man inside had a gun, was threatening to shoot his wife and then himself. Officer Sandyduck Went in and beleived he had talked the man down when the man shot him in the face.
Like the good journalist they are at the Pankato Pre-Press, they were able to snatch an interview with the police, the suspect and the victum before anyone else.
Officer Sandyduck is recovering well. He has only one eye now and when asked if he wanted a glass eye he stated, "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam!"

N'YUK CITY/BAGADAD. Somewhere, at sometime, America has forgotten. We've lost our values and forgot how to prioritize. Men and women, both military and civillian are being killed in mass quantities in Iraq. Iran is trying to manufacture a nuke. Women and children are being abused in every way and killed. On a daily basis, the news reports another American was killed in Iraq today...
President Gee Dubya is wondering what the hell to do. He's stated that this was probably a mistake, and that we are so far into this pile of camel crap that if we pull out or stay, we're screwed.
What is it that we focus on? Brittany's lack of underwear. Anna Nicoles' baby, Jen and Vince, Brangelina, blah-de-frickin'-blah!! And now the latest thing to stink up my airwaves...The Donald fighting with Rowdie O'Donnell. Why? Because the Donald doesn't like it when our new Ms. USA goes out one night on a club crawl and gets a little nasty.
Here's what the R.A.G. is afraid of...it will take another catastrophe for us all to pull together again. That's a sad comment on our society. The days when people stood behind our men and women are dwindling. No body wants to take on the establishment anymore. We just take it on the chin, yes sir no sir, feed me some of that fabulous hollywould gossip and keep the reality away. I don't care what's going on in the real world. I care about what happened on last weeks episode of Survivor. I care about which celebrity is being exposed on the internet. I don't give a crap that my neighbors son just went up in a flash of explosives.
Wake up, America, life is happening outside your window.

NEW YORK. All down the main streets of Manhattan, you'll see signs in almost every deli, pizzaria, cafe..."Best coffee in town", "Best Pizza in Town", "Best Burger in Town". But on the front of every Taco Hell restaurante you'll see: "Best E Coli in town".
Yes, the dreaded E Coli has finished taking out the spinach in this world and ruining this writers lunch at Bubway, and moved onto Taco Hell and attacking the onions. Taco Hell's have been closing down across America, not just New York. Even the Taco Hell in Faremount has left it's Pizza Slut partner.
This epidemic has not only affected Taco Hell, but now Taco Jones as well.
"It seems to be hitting all the 'crap' fast food joints in succesion." said a representative from the CDC, "For some reason, it is only hitting the mexican restaurants."
President Gee Dubya has tightened his grip on illegal Mexican immigrants, stating they are the ones that are probably starting this terror.
In a related story, the 'meat' packing plant in Worthlesston, MN was raided by INS officials late last week and they took down a significant number of illegals who were sent back to Mexico.

MINNEAPOLIS. Most of the time when you hear about arrests made on the road of sports superstars you think "drunk driving". Well, Eddie Fishing, player for the Minnesota Tumbleweeds basketball team was pulled over with what the officer thought would be drunk driving. To his surprise it was something a little more...interesting.
Eddie Fishing was watching porn on his SUV's DVD player, driving and spanking his monkey like there was no tommorrow.
"I couldn't tell what movie he was watching." stated the MN State Patrol Officer Chud Hills, "I just know it was porn, though. With all them seventies guitar licks, and all that 'ooo'-ing and 'aaaah'-ing."
When asked why he chose to be driving down the road at a high rate of speed, watching porn and pleasuring oneself when you're a sports star and can get any peice of trim he wants his reply was, "Yeah, right! You pick up some chick at a bar, she does the lap dance for you, you pull off the clothes and the next morning it's a law suit! At least lefty can't take me to court!"