Saturday, November 05, 2005
Dumb and Dumber: RAG Files Announces Long Awaited Mayoral Endorsement For St. Paul Mayoral Race
St. Paul. The RAG Files officially endorses Chris Coleman for mayor of the city of St. Paul, Minnesota in the United States of America on the Western Hemisphere of the Planet Earth of the Milky Way Spiral Galaxey.
After careful study, the RAG Files has come to the following conclusions about the St. Paul mayoral race.
1. Elizabeth (fogot the last name) of the Green Party would have been an excellent candidate, had she survived the primary. This reporter voted his first primary election in the hopes of keeping her on the ballot and was disappointed that she didn't make it.
2. Chris Coleman and Randy Kelly are both Deomocrats. They are both chumps.
3. Chris Coleman and Randy Kelly are both chumps. Chris Coleman is rumored to be a big, angry idiot who spent his time as a city councilman talking about getting drunk, yawning, displaying boredom and generally being an asshole. Chris Coleman has done and said nothing tangible in support of his mayoral bid or done anything to deserve the position aside from maintaining a pulse. Frankly, he has nothing nothing aside from coasting on the peoples' ill will toward Kelly.
4. Kelly deserves our ill will. We voted for a democrat but got a Republican. Kelly has tried to downplay his public endorsement of President Bush and spin it as a "principled stand" but it was nothing more then naked political opportunism. He insulted the intelligence of the voters by implying their anger over the Bush endorsement was petty or vindictive, further snuffing out his slim chance of retaining his incumbency. Coleman may be a chump but Kelly is a bigger chump. Kelly even hired Karl Rove's marketing director to clean him up. If thats not a Republican, who is? He's also a chimp. Kelly has cultivated ill will with the people throughout his tenor as mayor and maintained a closed door with regard to his policy decisions, shutting out and inflaming the ire of the city council as well as the people.
5. Kelly is, above all else, an idiot. He banked on Bush because he thought Bush was a winner and he wanted to ride Bushes' coattails to his own victory. A recent poll shows that this tactic has not even brought any Republicans into his camp! His excuse at the time was that he saw a few John Kerry supporters sporting negative messages on bumper stickers. Kelly never claimed it had anything to do with the policies of one versus the other, just "negativity." This is the clearest sign of incompetancy the people have ever received from a Minnesota politician since the time Arlon Lindner called Buddhism a "cult." As everyone knows, Bush barely won, had no mandate and has lost influence with even his core supporters in less than a year since winning his second term. Anyone who chose to exercise just a little reasoning could have seen that the second term was when Bushes' chickens would come home to roost, and most did. Except for Randy.
6. Politicians routinely try to con St. Paul voters and they are routinely surprised when the people of St. Paul refuse to be led around like sheep. Norm Coleman found out in 1999 when he attempted his "grassroots" campaign to make us pay for a baseball stadium by a referendum that was voted down by a huge margin. Kelly is shocked that his endorsement of Bush even registered, let alone ended his political career. Guess what guys, the people of St. Paul aren't as stupid as you wish they were. Run for office in a Bible Belt state if you want better odds.
7. In the contest between two creeps, two chumps, two chimps, two jerks: Coleman is the lesser evil. Kelly didn't have the decency, the honor or the self respect to formally change parties. Kelly pretends to be a democrat, and this is a lie to the voters.
Its time for a change, even if its a step sideways rather than a step up. Vote Coleman this Tuesday.
After careful study, the RAG Files has come to the following conclusions about the St. Paul mayoral race.
1. Elizabeth (fogot the last name) of the Green Party would have been an excellent candidate, had she survived the primary. This reporter voted his first primary election in the hopes of keeping her on the ballot and was disappointed that she didn't make it.
2. Chris Coleman and Randy Kelly are both Deomocrats. They are both chumps.
3. Chris Coleman and Randy Kelly are both chumps. Chris Coleman is rumored to be a big, angry idiot who spent his time as a city councilman talking about getting drunk, yawning, displaying boredom and generally being an asshole. Chris Coleman has done and said nothing tangible in support of his mayoral bid or done anything to deserve the position aside from maintaining a pulse. Frankly, he has nothing nothing aside from coasting on the peoples' ill will toward Kelly.
4. Kelly deserves our ill will. We voted for a democrat but got a Republican. Kelly has tried to downplay his public endorsement of President Bush and spin it as a "principled stand" but it was nothing more then naked political opportunism. He insulted the intelligence of the voters by implying their anger over the Bush endorsement was petty or vindictive, further snuffing out his slim chance of retaining his incumbency. Coleman may be a chump but Kelly is a bigger chump. Kelly even hired Karl Rove's marketing director to clean him up. If thats not a Republican, who is? He's also a chimp. Kelly has cultivated ill will with the people throughout his tenor as mayor and maintained a closed door with regard to his policy decisions, shutting out and inflaming the ire of the city council as well as the people.
5. Kelly is, above all else, an idiot. He banked on Bush because he thought Bush was a winner and he wanted to ride Bushes' coattails to his own victory. A recent poll shows that this tactic has not even brought any Republicans into his camp! His excuse at the time was that he saw a few John Kerry supporters sporting negative messages on bumper stickers. Kelly never claimed it had anything to do with the policies of one versus the other, just "negativity." This is the clearest sign of incompetancy the people have ever received from a Minnesota politician since the time Arlon Lindner called Buddhism a "cult." As everyone knows, Bush barely won, had no mandate and has lost influence with even his core supporters in less than a year since winning his second term. Anyone who chose to exercise just a little reasoning could have seen that the second term was when Bushes' chickens would come home to roost, and most did. Except for Randy.
6. Politicians routinely try to con St. Paul voters and they are routinely surprised when the people of St. Paul refuse to be led around like sheep. Norm Coleman found out in 1999 when he attempted his "grassroots" campaign to make us pay for a baseball stadium by a referendum that was voted down by a huge margin. Kelly is shocked that his endorsement of Bush even registered, let alone ended his political career. Guess what guys, the people of St. Paul aren't as stupid as you wish they were. Run for office in a Bible Belt state if you want better odds.
7. In the contest between two creeps, two chumps, two chimps, two jerks: Coleman is the lesser evil. Kelly didn't have the decency, the honor or the self respect to formally change parties. Kelly pretends to be a democrat, and this is a lie to the voters.
Its time for a change, even if its a step sideways rather than a step up. Vote Coleman this Tuesday.
Pawlenty Bested By Hell-Bent Heathen Deer
Minnesota State Capitol Building, St. Paul. Gov. Dim Pawlenty was attacked yesterday by a deer that broke through an office window in the state capitol building. It tossed a grenade at the governor after rapelling from a secret attack helicopter with no markings. When the grenade missed, the deer threw poison quills, illegal fireworks, cultural diversity pamphlets and bags of feces--severely humiliating the governor while educating him at the same time.
When asked about the attack, Pawlenty tried to keep his cool but appeared agitated and shaken. "Well, " he said. "I guess this is one huting season where I'm actually going to try to shoot a deer instead of getting hammered, shooting at trees and crashing ATV's. Uh...ha...ha...ha."
The deer escaped after it shat on the governor's desk. After careful inspection, it appeared that the only items missing from the governor's office were some pieces of blank stationary, a few pens, and a large wooden female pleasure device custom made to resemble the governor.
Pawlenty later disclosed that investigators determined that the deer was part of a radical liberal commando activist group with an agenda to recogize "special rights" for non-Fundamentalist Christians. "They have to be stopped now," said Pawlenty, "or else pretty soon everyone will get rights. It started with the Indians but it won't stop there. New groups of heathen infidels are storming the gates every day. Can I get an Amen-ah?"
When asked about the attack, Pawlenty tried to keep his cool but appeared agitated and shaken. "Well, " he said. "I guess this is one huting season where I'm actually going to try to shoot a deer instead of getting hammered, shooting at trees and crashing ATV's. Uh...ha...ha...ha."
The deer escaped after it shat on the governor's desk. After careful inspection, it appeared that the only items missing from the governor's office were some pieces of blank stationary, a few pens, and a large wooden female pleasure device custom made to resemble the governor.
Pawlenty later disclosed that investigators determined that the deer was part of a radical liberal commando activist group with an agenda to recogize "special rights" for non-Fundamentalist Christians. "They have to be stopped now," said Pawlenty, "or else pretty soon everyone will get rights. It started with the Indians but it won't stop there. New groups of heathen infidels are storming the gates every day. Can I get an Amen-ah?"
She Said Yes
Daytona Beach, Fl. In theory, all it takes is a ring, a plane ticket, a bent knee and liquid courage. Okay thats quite a lot of things actually. But in practice, it takes even more. Case in point: Despite hell and highwater, RAG Files editor and hopless romantic Lost Bird found a way to get himself and his girlfriend to a safe place to pop the question.
As in, THE question.
This was no easy task because another woman who was was present, threw an angry tantrum that kept the couple out of Cancun and stalked them several thousand miles over open ocean to Daytona Beach. Yes Wilma--if the convenient if sexist connotations likening a hurricane to a jealous woman can be excused--decided to rear her ugly head and beat the stuffing out of Cancun just before the couple was scheduled to fly in. They were lucky they didn't, because those Americans who stayed after Wilma made landfall on the Yucatan paid for it. Wilma looked all over for Lost Bird, scouring every beach, bar, palapa and playa. When she couldn't find him she tore out her clouds and bore down on the jungle like a toxic avenger.
Instead, Mr. Lost Bird and Mrs. Sue Spinnaker shifted gears and headed down to Florida. The questioned was popped by Lost Bird from the vantage point of a single knee unaided by a knee pad. According to sources close to the couple, an affirmative answer was given by Ms. Spinner, soon to be Mrs. Spinner. Wilma finally caught up with the happy couple but by then the hurricane was getting tired and old and worn out and decided that it would be better to concentrate on Miami and the Keys.
This reporter wanted the straight dope on how it would turn out for the couple future tense-wise, so he asked Madeline Boxer to consult her fortune telling oracle Dead Baby Future Telling Pig. The oracle spoke at length but because it was dead and a baby pig its words were barely legible. Nevertheless the words "happy" and "castle" "smooching" and "ever after" were clearly audible. The happy couple even got a 10% discount off the usual fee for full oracular services.
This reporter offers his hearty congradulations, best wishes and good thoughts for the couple, the kids, the family and the fulfillment of all their needs and dreams.
As in, THE question.
This was no easy task because another woman who was was present, threw an angry tantrum that kept the couple out of Cancun and stalked them several thousand miles over open ocean to Daytona Beach. Yes Wilma--if the convenient if sexist connotations likening a hurricane to a jealous woman can be excused--decided to rear her ugly head and beat the stuffing out of Cancun just before the couple was scheduled to fly in. They were lucky they didn't, because those Americans who stayed after Wilma made landfall on the Yucatan paid for it. Wilma looked all over for Lost Bird, scouring every beach, bar, palapa and playa. When she couldn't find him she tore out her clouds and bore down on the jungle like a toxic avenger.
Instead, Mr. Lost Bird and Mrs. Sue Spinnaker shifted gears and headed down to Florida. The questioned was popped by Lost Bird from the vantage point of a single knee unaided by a knee pad. According to sources close to the couple, an affirmative answer was given by Ms. Spinner, soon to be Mrs. Spinner. Wilma finally caught up with the happy couple but by then the hurricane was getting tired and old and worn out and decided that it would be better to concentrate on Miami and the Keys.
This reporter wanted the straight dope on how it would turn out for the couple future tense-wise, so he asked Madeline Boxer to consult her fortune telling oracle Dead Baby Future Telling Pig. The oracle spoke at length but because it was dead and a baby pig its words were barely legible. Nevertheless the words "happy" and "castle" "smooching" and "ever after" were clearly audible. The happy couple even got a 10% discount off the usual fee for full oracular services.
This reporter offers his hearty congradulations, best wishes and good thoughts for the couple, the kids, the family and the fulfillment of all their needs and dreams.
