Saturday, January 28, 2006
Lost Bird: Found
Faremount. Estranged editor-in-chief, Lost Bird was spotted back in Faremount last November. Several sightings of him were reported to the Farten County Sherrif's Department, but none were confirmed until he was found one winter night babbling incoherently to himself on old highway 16 walking west from the direction of the Duh-been Inn in Gook Keen.
Deputy Chuck "Longfuse" Poppy was on regular patrol when a call came out from the Fernbowl County Deputy that he had spotted a mexican-looking fellow shambling drunkedly down the side of the road heading towards Faremount. The report said that the man was shouting at the heavens and trying to light a cigarette into the wind.
Longfuse rolled up on him just across the county line where the Noose Campground and Compost Heap resort. Longfuse identified the man to be Lost Bird and had had an aparent arguement with his girlfriend and decided to walk home 12 miles in the snow with 20 mph westerly winds.
During the interview with Lost Bird, he vomited up 7 gallons of Dr. Pepper/Morgans, and started to cry. He then uttered the following:
"I wuz sha-posed to get paid like $5 million from my construction job and that (expletive) never paid me a dime! So I was supposed to go to Cancun wif my widdle Suzy, and we wuz gonna pre-pose, but the (expletive) hurricane wipe it out!! so we go to (expletive) Daytona and have fun and I ask her to marry me, and she (expletive) does say yes! Doan know why? She (expletive) hates me now!! Any way, can't find work here neither in Faremount!! So finally live about 8 months on hawked guitar money and my good (expletive) looks!"
Lost Bird then vomited and passed out.*
*The sad part about this story is that it's mostly true. I did get screwed out of nearly $3,000 from a friend who I worked the construction job with. I did hawk my red guitar "desire" to pay for Suzy's ring, and to go on vacation. Yes, we were suppose to go to Cancun and it did get wiped out from a hurricane. We had a bitchin' time in Daytona, she did say "yes". When back from vacation I called "friend" and he said he still couldn't pay me and so I decided to look for work in Faremount where I could be with Suzy and the kids. I searched for work in Minneapolis, Pankato, and here in this miserable Faremount. the only one that has hired me is MarketStink, Inc. A tele-marketing job selling cable and internet service to crabby old fuckfaces in New Jersey who tell me on a daily basis to fuck my mom. But it's a paycheck and i'm back with my family. I will be back printing news from this mundane shithole town's library as often as I can. Thanks to those who have kept checking the R-files for updates, to Hair-e for keeping some posts going in my absence, and to life for throwing a good swift kick to my nuts whenever I run out of things to write about. -Lost Bird
Ps. Yes, Suzy and I did get into an arguement, I was drunk, and I did walk home 12 miles in the wind and winter. What can I say, I'm a passionate drunk with a flare for dramatics? At any rate, please check out my other blogs as well, as I'll be adding quite more to them from the Farten County Liberry:
manusmusing.blogspot.com and lostbirdsongs.blogspot.com
