Thursday, June 30, 2005
A Rag Files Exclusive With the Creepiest Man Alive: Tom Crews Bares His Inner Asshole
Hollywood, NJ. When a famous asshole like Tom Crews starts dictating medical decisions to other celebrities, when he's done such a great job keeping a lid on his true self in order to promote the generic, boyish "nice guy" image that has got him his movie contracts. Of course, the Church of Scientology has been begging Tom to come out of the closet for many years and reveal his inner asshole, since thats what the church is all about. Recently the RAG Files sat down with Mr. Crews to discuss the finer points of the recent bad publicity he's earned himself, as well as his reglious beliefs, and the difficulties of being anal retentive awhile trying to nurture a career in Hollywood.
Rag Files: Mr. Crews, tell me how long have you hated women?
Tom Crews: Almost as long as I've been fucking them. Maybe even earlier. Its hard to tell. I don't hate them all though. The ones I can control are fine...if they're as hot as I am.
Rag: Is that what gave you the motivation to tell Brooke Shields that she shouldn't be using antidepressants for postpartum depression?
TC: She's not hot at all. Lets face it Hair-e, women are stupid and rarely know what's best for them. They haven't read the Scientology propaganda regarding psychiatry and so they don't know its all a farce. Except for Kirstie Allie, but she's fat and I don't do fat chicks. And Christ, I know she's in my church and all but I'm so sick of those goddamn Pier One commercials! Know what I mean? Shit, Cheers sucked from the minute she was on there. Not that Ted Dansen could ever act anyway, but I digress...
Rag: The Rag Files concurs with you on this one, Mr. Crews.
TC: Good, I'm mean...that's great [runs hand through hair and sighs] because you know what else? I'm so sick of people who are less famous then I am going around contradicting me and stuff. For once its nice to have someone just shut the hell up and admit that maybe, just maybe good old Tom Crews knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to...well, everything I guess. I mean, you want to make me look bad. You want to bring me down. You know I hate women. I know I hate women, so why did you have to say "How long have you hated women?" Huh? Why?
Rag: So that our readers understand that you hate women...
TC: Just to bring me down. Just to bring me down, thats why. My church has taught me all about how to deal with people like you. We don't play around with "turn the other cheek" or any bullshit like that. Thats all I can say.
Rag: Are you threatening me...? 'Cause I happen to know this guy who happens to be half-Maori, half-Irish and all whoop ass, if you know what I mean.
TC: [laughing inappropriately] Hair-e please! He wouldn't even make it past the Scientology Happy Love Re-education Commandos.
Rag: Tell me more about your church. Everybody calls Scientology a church, but what differentiates it from any other self-help philosophy? What makes it a bonna fide church? Do you actually worship anything? Why the "ology" if its a church? Does Scientology also claim to be a science?
TC: Ha! [runs hand through hair and tilts his head back] Once again, the ignorance of the press prevails! Scientology is the science of fulfilling positive potential through giving your money away. We worship the power of positive potential. We believe that the only true emotion is happiness and the only way to be happy is to repress all other emotions until happiness is the only one left. If you keep telling yourself that you are happy, and all other emotions indicate weakness, negativity and self-delusion, then you will be happy, eventually. Then you can work on telling everyone else how to be happy, even if they are happy but especially if they aren't. Thats when its time to start worshipping the Raelians.
Rag: What are the Realiens?
TC: These little green super intelligent things that come out of your butt at night. They're like angels, angels that come out of your butt at night [face twitches nervously].
Rag: I know you've already got into some heated discussions about this but what if a person tries to tell themself over and over that they are happy and it doesn't work? What if they try antidepressants or some other drug, and it actually helps them?
TC: Then they're lazy and not trying hard enough. They need to ditch the drugs. Psychiatric drugs are evil my friend. You wanna know why? They allow people to control your mind, numb your creativity and believe whatever they believe and give all your money to them. They convince you that nothing else exists except the new people you've found and...what a minute, I guess I was talking about Scientology there. Anyway, people like you just want to see every American, every kid doped up and unable to do Scientology mind exercises! Thats what you want!
Rag: Some observers say that Scientology's intense criticism of psychiatry and psychiatric drugs has more to do with competition for converts then neutral skepticism. Do you agree?
TC: Of course not! All lies! But if those people got off the drugs and came over to Scientology, and spent all their drug money on Scientology classes, then they and the world would be much better off. Can you really dispute that?
Rag: I'm not attempting to, sir. One more thing, whats with all the jumping off of chairs and wild behavior on talk shows?
TC: People know that I'm hot when I jump off of chairs so I do it for them. Also, I'm just so excited about this new love of my life that I just cannot contain myself anymore. I never thought I'd find anyone else I could control like Nicole Mankid, never. Now I finally have one. She's young and innocent and already calling me Daddy and doing everything I say, in the sack, in the church and elsewhere. I've just finished paying off her disapproving parents and got her signed up for her first Scientology courses. She was a Catholic. Can you believe that? No more pope for you baby! Good old Tom is your pope now, heh, heh! I won't have her kiss my ring though...
Rag: [shivering uncontrollably] Thank you for that candid look into your twisted mind, Mr. Crews. If you don't mind I think I'll just go wash my hands...and keep washing them until I can get the stench off. Yikes!
Rag Files: Mr. Crews, tell me how long have you hated women?
Tom Crews: Almost as long as I've been fucking them. Maybe even earlier. Its hard to tell. I don't hate them all though. The ones I can control are fine...if they're as hot as I am.
Rag: Is that what gave you the motivation to tell Brooke Shields that she shouldn't be using antidepressants for postpartum depression?
TC: She's not hot at all. Lets face it Hair-e, women are stupid and rarely know what's best for them. They haven't read the Scientology propaganda regarding psychiatry and so they don't know its all a farce. Except for Kirstie Allie, but she's fat and I don't do fat chicks. And Christ, I know she's in my church and all but I'm so sick of those goddamn Pier One commercials! Know what I mean? Shit, Cheers sucked from the minute she was on there. Not that Ted Dansen could ever act anyway, but I digress...
Rag: The Rag Files concurs with you on this one, Mr. Crews.
TC: Good, I'm mean...that's great [runs hand through hair and sighs] because you know what else? I'm so sick of people who are less famous then I am going around contradicting me and stuff. For once its nice to have someone just shut the hell up and admit that maybe, just maybe good old Tom Crews knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to...well, everything I guess. I mean, you want to make me look bad. You want to bring me down. You know I hate women. I know I hate women, so why did you have to say "How long have you hated women?" Huh? Why?
Rag: So that our readers understand that you hate women...
TC: Just to bring me down. Just to bring me down, thats why. My church has taught me all about how to deal with people like you. We don't play around with "turn the other cheek" or any bullshit like that. Thats all I can say.
Rag: Are you threatening me...? 'Cause I happen to know this guy who happens to be half-Maori, half-Irish and all whoop ass, if you know what I mean.
TC: [laughing inappropriately] Hair-e please! He wouldn't even make it past the Scientology Happy Love Re-education Commandos.
Rag: Tell me more about your church. Everybody calls Scientology a church, but what differentiates it from any other self-help philosophy? What makes it a bonna fide church? Do you actually worship anything? Why the "ology" if its a church? Does Scientology also claim to be a science?
TC: Ha! [runs hand through hair and tilts his head back] Once again, the ignorance of the press prevails! Scientology is the science of fulfilling positive potential through giving your money away. We worship the power of positive potential. We believe that the only true emotion is happiness and the only way to be happy is to repress all other emotions until happiness is the only one left. If you keep telling yourself that you are happy, and all other emotions indicate weakness, negativity and self-delusion, then you will be happy, eventually. Then you can work on telling everyone else how to be happy, even if they are happy but especially if they aren't. Thats when its time to start worshipping the Raelians.
Rag: What are the Realiens?
TC: These little green super intelligent things that come out of your butt at night. They're like angels, angels that come out of your butt at night [face twitches nervously].
Rag: I know you've already got into some heated discussions about this but what if a person tries to tell themself over and over that they are happy and it doesn't work? What if they try antidepressants or some other drug, and it actually helps them?
TC: Then they're lazy and not trying hard enough. They need to ditch the drugs. Psychiatric drugs are evil my friend. You wanna know why? They allow people to control your mind, numb your creativity and believe whatever they believe and give all your money to them. They convince you that nothing else exists except the new people you've found and...what a minute, I guess I was talking about Scientology there. Anyway, people like you just want to see every American, every kid doped up and unable to do Scientology mind exercises! Thats what you want!
Rag: Some observers say that Scientology's intense criticism of psychiatry and psychiatric drugs has more to do with competition for converts then neutral skepticism. Do you agree?
TC: Of course not! All lies! But if those people got off the drugs and came over to Scientology, and spent all their drug money on Scientology classes, then they and the world would be much better off. Can you really dispute that?
Rag: I'm not attempting to, sir. One more thing, whats with all the jumping off of chairs and wild behavior on talk shows?
TC: People know that I'm hot when I jump off of chairs so I do it for them. Also, I'm just so excited about this new love of my life that I just cannot contain myself anymore. I never thought I'd find anyone else I could control like Nicole Mankid, never. Now I finally have one. She's young and innocent and already calling me Daddy and doing everything I say, in the sack, in the church and elsewhere. I've just finished paying off her disapproving parents and got her signed up for her first Scientology courses. She was a Catholic. Can you believe that? No more pope for you baby! Good old Tom is your pope now, heh, heh! I won't have her kiss my ring though...
Rag: [shivering uncontrollably] Thank you for that candid look into your twisted mind, Mr. Crews. If you don't mind I think I'll just go wash my hands...and keep washing them until I can get the stench off. Yikes!
