The R.A.G. Files

Omaha, Nebraska. Wild fires, terrorist acts and bicycle accidents have resulted in the greatest loss of kitchen cabinetry in this Midwestern town since WWII. Due to this ongoing catastrophe, thousands of city residents have resorted to storing food in their socks, pockets and outdoors causing outbreaks of scurvy, starvation, cannibalism, typhus, brain fever, and irrepairable clothing stains. In one corner of town the residents have been ravaged by Berry Berry, a disease that causes malnourished people to slowly and irreversably turn into blueberries. When that happens they become prey for wild dogs, starving people and roving bands of unchristian crank zombies. Overwhelmed by the crisis, Omaha mayor Bent Medsetter has decalred a state of anarchy, promting even more disaffected teens to turn to punk rock and huffing glue as solutions to their problems. At first a state of masrhal law was ordered and anyone caught violating curfew was shot on sight but this led to protests by human rights groups after several meth zombies were decapitated and voluntarily immolated for the betterment of the community. Later on, the policy of zombie suppression through confinement proved futile, as zombies began crowding the city jail in ever growing numbers. In a complete loss of control, the police were forced to retreat from the jail in the face of a massive crank zombie prison break. The zombies savaged and terrorized anything that stood between them and the kitchen cabinetry of ordinarey citizens. In the final stages, what was left of the starving, desperate and disease ridden police and civillian population barracaded themselves into the remaining four blocks of Omaha still under human control at the heart of the city center. There they lobbed makeshift grenades, sharp impliments and burning rags until the crankheads finally broke through the front lines and brutalized whatever kitchen cabinetry remained untouched. In a final radio shotwave broadcast that made a desperate plea for help, the voice of the radio operator can barely be heard over the cacophony of zombies smashing in cabinets. Weeks before that the city government had already officially disbanded and fled along with the entire police force.

It is against this backdrop that the National Kitchen Cabinetry Brigade has been called to arms by the governor of Nebraska. The govenors of several other states including Minnesota have pleged millitary support and are mobilizing regiments at this very moment. Among those called up was the editor of the RAG Files, Lost Bird who will now don a utility belt, skill saw and nail gun as he becomes Lieutenant Lost Bird and leads his platoon on to glorious victory victory for the fatherland! He received his marching order several days ago, and will soon join the NKCB 4th Battalion, 7th Battle Group, B Company, 2nd platoon of the famous "Crankhead Crusher" special forces regiment. The forward units will advance with artillery and infantry, immolating zombies and reclaiming any kitchen cabinets they may find intact. A second wave will retrieve survivors, mop up itinerant zombies and establish perimeters. The third wave will begin rebuilding kitchen cabinet infastructure, including kitchens. The fourth wave will build kitchen cabinets.

According to General James Cornbore, "We will not cease building kitchen cabinets until every can of spagettios, Sam's Choice Pork and Beans, Uncle Ben's Kipper Snacks and every can of SPAM has a home. We will not stop until every box of Tuna Helper, Hamburger Helper, Ostrich Helper, Dog Helper, Unidentified Roadkill Helper, Cheesy Mac, Lipton noodles, Lipton rice, Rice-A-Roni, Ramen Noodles and Noodle Roni has a home! No! We shall not cease our efforts until every last Flav-O-Rite can of stewed tomatos, every last can of Squeezy Cheese, every jar of artichoke hearts, and every can of Choosey Choice Potted Meat Product with pureed beef hearts finds a goddamn safe shelf free from the harassment, assault, annoyance and grievous molestation of kitchen cabinet destroying heathen zombies!!!" Unfortunately, immediately after giving this rousing speech, the 87 year old general keeled over and died from a fatal heart attack. Counted as the first millitary caasuality of the capampaign, he will be buried with full honors and his speech will be engraved onto bronze plaques which will be riveted onto heavy boulders which will be cvarried into battle by each soldier so that they will never forget why they are fighting.

During Lieutenant Lost Bird's absence The RAG Files will not be without an editor, since Lost Bird will periodically send in dispatches from the frontline and return from battle for R&R in his beloved city of Rearmount. Before he left for the front, the brave Lost Bird handed me a poem about his favorite city which he asked me to post, and I shall do so forthwith.

For Love of Rearmount

Rearmount, Rearmount
Mount of the rear
How I love thee
Though I be not here

Rearmount, fine city
Full of honor, safety, pride
The creativity you inspire
In knots my heart you tied

Rearmount, for glory
progress and the will of freedom
It be the good shyt
the booty and the blessing of Jesus God

Rearmount, so diverse
80% Swedish and 20% German
Your cosmopolitan artist scene
Makes me dream the wettest dream.

Rearmount, ho!
and to the battle station!
For thee I gladly
offer up my life!

Thank god I only need to build some cabinets.

--LB