Thursday, July 07, 2005
Ass Over Ankles: Another Bike Accident For Bush
Yer Full O Shyt, Scotland, UK. In this small town named by its angst ridden ancestors, President Curious George Bush has done it again, choming pretzels and crashing his bike in the rain and tanking hard even after donning his "thinking cap" for the important annual G-8 summit meeting. Fearful of everything from eco-terrorists to animal rights protesters converging on their small hamlet, village residents boarded up shops and closed businesses in anticipation of riots. Even as security forces outnumbered townsfolk by a margin of 5-1, none were at peace thinking of the possibility of terrorist acts like car bombs or violent hippe protesting. With images of dreadlock and nose ring clad angry malcontents racing through their heads, little did the villagers realize they were most in danger from a bicycle riding president.
According to sources, the president decided he needed to ride his bike in the pouring rain because, "unky Dick done tol' me I could if I ain't wet me-self in a week." Unfortunately, the president not only wiped out and wrecked a perfectly good bike, he slammed into a local Scottish security officer, who responded with a quick beat down and the reply, "I don't care who y'are ya fucking yankee bastard, Aye come from five generations of arse kicking bastards who take no pity on them's got shyt fer brains!" The policeman was tazered and pulled off by members of Bush's secret service detail, and then shipped to Guantanamo Bay "Home of the Bad People" where a leatherbound Koran was forcably inserted into his anus.
This was not the first self inflicted accident the president has caused. In 2000 he nearly choked to death on preztels while choking his chicken and watching the super bowel half-time cheerleaders. Then in 2002 he crashed his mountain bike into a tree at his ranch in Crawdad, Texas. According to the secret service threat assessment inventory, "the biggest threat to his security right now is himself. We keep watch day and night. At some point we may have to tie his hands down so he can't hurt himself anymore." Part of the inventory anticipates future ways the president might hurt himself. Several full time analysys are employed in this task, because the list of potential hazzards is exhaustive. Full details of the list are secret but some items include pretzels, and tripping over dogs. When it was pointed out that this seemed a very restrictive approach to presidential security, the secret service responded, "sir, we take presidential security very seriously, even if we have to protect him from himself."
According to sources, the president decided he needed to ride his bike in the pouring rain because, "unky Dick done tol' me I could if I ain't wet me-self in a week." Unfortunately, the president not only wiped out and wrecked a perfectly good bike, he slammed into a local Scottish security officer, who responded with a quick beat down and the reply, "I don't care who y'are ya fucking yankee bastard, Aye come from five generations of arse kicking bastards who take no pity on them's got shyt fer brains!" The policeman was tazered and pulled off by members of Bush's secret service detail, and then shipped to Guantanamo Bay "Home of the Bad People" where a leatherbound Koran was forcably inserted into his anus.
This was not the first self inflicted accident the president has caused. In 2000 he nearly choked to death on preztels while choking his chicken and watching the super bowel half-time cheerleaders. Then in 2002 he crashed his mountain bike into a tree at his ranch in Crawdad, Texas. According to the secret service threat assessment inventory, "the biggest threat to his security right now is himself. We keep watch day and night. At some point we may have to tie his hands down so he can't hurt himself anymore." Part of the inventory anticipates future ways the president might hurt himself. Several full time analysys are employed in this task, because the list of potential hazzards is exhaustive. Full details of the list are secret but some items include pretzels, and tripping over dogs. When it was pointed out that this seemed a very restrictive approach to presidential security, the secret service responded, "sir, we take presidential security very seriously, even if we have to protect him from himself."
