The R.A.G. Files

Big Woods. The RAG Files wishes to warmly welcome the ivory-billed woodpecker back into the loving arms of western civilization after a sixty year absense. Recently declared officially extinct, the ivory-billed wood pecker had been surviving all along for these past six decades, but only now has chosen to reveal itself. In an exclusive interview, the RAG Files gets to the bottom of this mystery, along with survival tips for other endangered species, the relative merits of McDonalds value meals and 8-tracks.

The RAG Files: Welcome back, Mr. Pecker. Its good to see you again. Could you tell us why you went into hiding?

Ivrory-Billed Woodpecker: Well, I'm not quite sure how to answer such a complex, multifacted question. Lets see, uh, peck, peck, peck peck. Peck, peck. Peck, peck, peck. Peck. Double peck, peck. Meck, peck, peck, peck. Meck. Peck, peck. Also, I wanted to avoid the draft because I couldn't peck conscentious ob-peck-ter status, dig?

RAG: Right... What made you decide to come back after so many years?

IBWP: McDonalds super-sized meals, Wall-Mart, internet porn and the fact that we were running out of 8-track players out there in the Bush.

RAG: 8-track players? Weren't 8-tracks a 70's thing? You've been gone since 1945.

IBWP: Uh huh. Well, unbeknownst to most humans, I made a brief comeback in the 70's. Pimp cars, blaxploitation films like Shaft and the lure of the cutting edge 8-track technology were just too much to resist. If I had timed it a little better I could've picked up an Atari 2600 too, but I came back a little early for that.

RAG: With all these adjustments to the modern world, why didn't anybody take notice back then?

IBWP: 'Cause I capped 'em. Bird watchers are easy, booooy. They just stand and stare. I can take 'em out while they go for their cameras.

RAG: Sounds pretty cold blooded. Maybe people should not have greeted your Big Comeback quite so enthusiastically.

IBWP: You call it my big comeback. I call it my Big Payback...bitch. Eyes abouts to get even, y'all.

RAG: Even with what?

IBWP: The modern mutha fuckin' world, yo. It been messin' with my eco-crib.

RAG: Just an observation here, the gang banger posturing doesn't seem to work for you my friend, even if you already have a feather in your pimp hat.

IBWP: Don't be denyin' me, G or I'ma hafta get REAL, y'all! I got a three foot wing span, man. King Kong ain't got nuthin' on me.

RAG: Okay, Denzel.

IBWP: What?

RAG: Uh huh. You heard me...Denzel. Come on, Training Day? That was only the one line anybody remembers from Training Day, because it was so overhyped in previews. Don't pretend. Before we sat down for the interview I saw your DVD collection. Training Day Special Edition, anyone?

IBWP: Oh.

RAG: Yeah.

IBWP: I'm humble now.

RAG: Kinda sad.

IBWP: I'm trying.

RAG: I see that. You didn't cap anybody in the 70's did you?

IBWP: Well, the termites.

RAG: And thats your natural food, right?

IBWP: Yeah, but I was cold...to 'em...I let 'em have it, raw. Bang, bang!

RAG: Peck, peck?

IBWP: Let me have a little glory why don't ya?

RAG: Sorry. I know its rough out there. Well since its been sixty yearss and you only live fifteen, I assume you must have continued to reproduce with some degree of success out there in the deep woods.

IBWP: Oooooooooh yeeeeeeeeah, bay-be. Mating season comes but once a day, so I have to make the most of it.

RAG: Thats terrific. Any reproduction tips for other endangered species out there?

IBWP: Doggie style!

RAG: Right. Why don't you explain to our readers how you're different from other peckers?

IBWP: I'm like a concrete cylinder. I stay hard all the time.

RAG: Say isn't that fascinating. Who are your influences?

IBWP: Woody woodpecker and Conan O'brien and any other redhead.

RAG: You watch Conan O'brien?

IBWP: I inked a deal with a birwatcher for exclusive "discovery rights" in exchange for satellite TV for ten years. I watched Sex and the City, Six Feet Under and the Sopranos right when they came out, just like everybody else.

RAG: I must say you're not what I expected. I thought maybe you'd have some things to say about cherishing the natural world before its too late or learning to find your place in nature, stuff like that.

IBWP: Oh, sure, "put out forest fires," how about that? No, no wait a second I got a better one. How's this? "Drink milk, don't do drugs." You like that one? Oh, wait, wait, wait. How about, "don't be bitter, dispose of litter"?

RAG: Well at least the last one was original. You should seriously consider leaving the forest and becoming a Vegas act.

IBWP: Already done. I signed a deal to be a circus freak with Cirque Du Soleil.

RAG: Good grief!