Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Seig Heil! New Pope Was A Nazi!
Vatican City. After nearly having my flesh rendered by crowds of salt worshipers hungry for sacrificial blood, I was able to apply my $35 internet ministerial knowledge toward the task of pacifying the faithful. A few Hail Marys and several tear gas canisters later I was well on way to being, well...on my way. But measely tear gas would not have been enough to beat back the catholic zombie hoardes, lost in spastic fits of rage which are characteristic of a disease called Pope Anticipation Anxiety or PAA. Sufferers of PAA become ill from excessive masturbation while trying to delay orgasm until a new pope is elected. The results are not pretty. Blue balls, tender tits, psychotic rage and sexual attraction to anything or anyone wearing white are the symptoms. The only cure is a new pope or barring that, to cut off the head and burn the body. In the later stages of PAA the sufferer is reduced to bestial howling and grunting, and roaming the streets like a wild animal looking for another crappy made for TV biblical knock off to latch on to and fixate on as though it was real.
Fortunately for this internet minister, I didn't need to save the last bullet for myself. As the white smoke emmanated from the papal smokestack, dozens of ecstatic revelers blew theirs and as it became known that German Cardinal Ratzinger had become Pope Benedict XVI, Hail Marys suddenly turned to seig heils, a sign of respect for the former German soldier and member of Hitler's Youth. Supposedly Ratzinger has repeatedly claimed he was forced to join Hitler's Youth, and this claim of innocence because it has been repeated so often, made Ratzinger a far more worthy contender for pope than any of those 3rd world wannabes. One wonders why the Roman Catholic Church would choose a former Nazi as its supreme leader even while it still copes with the fallout from having turned a blind eye to the holocaust and sheltered fleeing Nazi war criminals. If nothing else, at least the Catholic Church is consistent.
But today Ratzinger traded his brown shirt of the Nazis for white papal robes and pictures from the paparazzi. And while he is no Nazi, Ratzinger is an arch-conservative who is said to have been the Dick Cheney behind many of the repressive and medieval doctrines favored by Pope John Paul II. No birth control, no abortions, no gays, no married priests--not on the watch of the man who blamed the American priest sex abuse scandal on the media. Add "taking responsibility" for catholic policy fuck ups to the long list of things Pope Benedict will certainly not support.
At least the tenure of the new 78 year old pope is bound to be a short one.
Fortunately for this internet minister, I didn't need to save the last bullet for myself. As the white smoke emmanated from the papal smokestack, dozens of ecstatic revelers blew theirs and as it became known that German Cardinal Ratzinger had become Pope Benedict XVI, Hail Marys suddenly turned to seig heils, a sign of respect for the former German soldier and member of Hitler's Youth. Supposedly Ratzinger has repeatedly claimed he was forced to join Hitler's Youth, and this claim of innocence because it has been repeated so often, made Ratzinger a far more worthy contender for pope than any of those 3rd world wannabes. One wonders why the Roman Catholic Church would choose a former Nazi as its supreme leader even while it still copes with the fallout from having turned a blind eye to the holocaust and sheltered fleeing Nazi war criminals. If nothing else, at least the Catholic Church is consistent.
But today Ratzinger traded his brown shirt of the Nazis for white papal robes and pictures from the paparazzi. And while he is no Nazi, Ratzinger is an arch-conservative who is said to have been the Dick Cheney behind many of the repressive and medieval doctrines favored by Pope John Paul II. No birth control, no abortions, no gays, no married priests--not on the watch of the man who blamed the American priest sex abuse scandal on the media. Add "taking responsibility" for catholic policy fuck ups to the long list of things Pope Benedict will certainly not support.
At least the tenure of the new 78 year old pope is bound to be a short one.
