Monday, April 18, 2005
Secrets of the Conclave Revealed
Rome. Ever wonder how a pope is picked by a pack of pius paupers? Sorry, couldn't resist. The R.A.G. Files have gained access to this secret ceremony on how the pope is picked.
First of all, their are nine cardinals that are picked. Elected if you will, by a board of Church Elders. These nine cardinals, are then brought into a secret location far below in the Vatican's subchambers.
There are a series of tests that are performed on them. The following are some of these tests that we've gained access to:
1. THE HOLY TEST OF TEMPTATION: here a series of animatronic altar boys will parade around in the robotic buff, tempting the future pope.
2. THE HOLY TEST OF GREED: here the future pontiff hopeful has to give a sermon in front of a hand selected congregation, about giving 10% of their income and make them either commit suicide or take out a second mortgage on their homes.
3. THE HOLY TEST OF PONTIFFICATING: each contestant will have to eat a number of "foods" in a "Fear Factor"-type eating contest. Items included are: the unbaptized baby fat of a heathen infant, a glass of t-cells from an aborted fetus of a nun, bottled and distilled urine from the former pope.
After the Pope has been chosen, a child from every protestant religion on earth will be burnt as offerings. Black smoke reveals a bad choice, white smoke reveals a righteous choice. Fox television will air the secret conclave meeting in a new reality show pilot called "Pope on a Rope".
First of all, their are nine cardinals that are picked. Elected if you will, by a board of Church Elders. These nine cardinals, are then brought into a secret location far below in the Vatican's subchambers.
There are a series of tests that are performed on them. The following are some of these tests that we've gained access to:
1. THE HOLY TEST OF TEMPTATION: here a series of animatronic altar boys will parade around in the robotic buff, tempting the future pope.
2. THE HOLY TEST OF GREED: here the future pontiff hopeful has to give a sermon in front of a hand selected congregation, about giving 10% of their income and make them either commit suicide or take out a second mortgage on their homes.
3. THE HOLY TEST OF PONTIFFICATING: each contestant will have to eat a number of "foods" in a "Fear Factor"-type eating contest. Items included are: the unbaptized baby fat of a heathen infant, a glass of t-cells from an aborted fetus of a nun, bottled and distilled urine from the former pope.
After the Pope has been chosen, a child from every protestant religion on earth will be burnt as offerings. Black smoke reveals a bad choice, white smoke reveals a righteous choice. Fox television will air the secret conclave meeting in a new reality show pilot called "Pope on a Rope".
