The R.A.G. Files: Man Stuff City Park Opens Up A Hole New Perspective On An Old, Sweaty Problem

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Man Stuff City Park Opens Up A Hole New Perspective On An Old, Sweaty Problem

St. Paul. Today marks the opening of the much anticipated Man Stuff City Park, near an abandoned industrial site near the Mississippi River. The idea for the park came about as an epidemic of old dude hook-ups began to get worse at Crosby Farm Park in spite of stepped up undercover sting operations by St. Paul police officers. Crosby Farm Park is well known as the site where the 2005 medallion was found during the winter carnival’s Pioneer Press Treasure Hunt. It is also known as a place where many dudes are found, examining others dudes' treasure trails.


Despite the success of the sting operation, it did not act as the deterrent that the police department had hoped it would. “Yeah, we expected the number of pot-bellied males seeking pot-bellied males would level off as publicity of the enforcement effort increased,” said Sgt. Lance Rimroy. Currently, once a sweaty dude tries to make nice with a police officer they are arrested, humiliated, photographed and the photographs are published on the internet along with the perp’s name and address. The officer then calls the dude’s wife. After being photographed and paying the fine, which most perpetrators do on the spot, they are handed the arresting officer’s service pistol, one round, directed to go behind the bushes “where its less messy” and aim carefully for the forehead before pulling the trigger. “Unfortunately, even more encounters resulted from the publicity. We later learned that the officers involved in the sting effort were actually getting some man to man action out of it, leaving many of our cases in an expensive and dubious position.”


The rate of dude hook-ups ceased to level off, and people on family outings were complaining to the city about injuries due to slipping on used condoms. "It was out of control," said Sgt. Rimroy. "One kid broke his arm after slipping on a rough rider. That isn't fair." Therefore, the City of St. Paul decided to opt for a more novel approach: Man Stuff City Park, where middle aged, closeted gay men will be welcomed and even encouraged to do their mouth breathing, sweaty palmed, middle aged pot-bellied dude thing in a sheltered environment.


According to Sgt. Rimroy, “there will be some very clear rules of etiquette that will be vigorously enforced with a vigorous pumping motion and anyone who violates those rules will be kicked out of the park. First of all, no minors are allowed. The park will be managed by an attendant and open from noon to 2:00 a.m. All men entering the park will be checked to make sure they at least thirty nine years of age, balding, rumply and gross. The patrons will be required to lift up their shirts to determine the size and sag of their man boobs and belly. Men with fun bags that have no hair or don’t wiggle like blobs of jelly will not be admitted. Men with stomachs that do not give the appearance of late stage pregnancy will not be admitted to the park.” In addition to these rules, dudes seeking a more authentic exhibitionist thrill must still retreat behind one of the many spare bushes located in the park. They must also read and sign a pamphlet published by the city titled The Dangers of Wanking With Strangers.


Sgt. Rimroy further explained that a large three sided shelter with a concrete floor and wooden stalls will be set up to further enhance the man stuff that will take place. Priests will be given a separate area marked with a cross so that they can hook up with other priests if they choose, and have a religious bang.


Funds for Man Stuff City Park were allocated from the city budget by slashing extra services for the disabled. “All it means is that deaf and blind people won’t get a mandatory interpreter when they go to traffic court,” said Sgt. Rimroy. However, funding for extra services will probably be restored if the new park turns a profit, which is anticipated do to entrance fees, stall fees and condom and lube sales.


Several sweaty, anonymous dudes have proposed starting new city festivals in Man Stuff City Park, but several city council members have expressed concern that the general public might not be ready for Wankathon 2005, the Renaissance Rimjob Festival, or to install a money shot target practice range even though archery ranges exist elsewhere in the city. Nevertheless, such proposals have been enthusiastically flooding the switchboard at St. Paul City Hall. One group, the Sweaty Officer’s Ass O See A-shun, has proposed a special area in the park for dudes with badges to get their fireman fix or rub mustaches with other cops. Because the proposal was made by a police officers’ group, it will be taken seriously by city council.

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