The R.A.G. Files

Rearmount. Today in the small town of Rearmount, Minnesota a local group of Freemasons held a rare public ceremony near the Martina County courthouse. The ceremony was held in honor of Sherriff C. Gethard, and to highlight their donation of badly needed equipment for burning meth users to the Martina County Doper Annihilation Retribution and Extermination unit, or DARE.

Recently, the Minnesota state legislature passed a law banning the sale of psuedoephedrine, and other "precursor" chemicals used in the manufacture of methamphetamine. But this did nothing to stem the epidemic of meth madness which swept across the state at lightning speed. In part because of Gethard's efforts, a tougher law was passed allowing law enforcement agencies and ordinary citizens to burn methamphetamine users. Incentives such as bounties and free pull tabs will be offered to citizens who turn in scalps or charred bodies of meth users.

"Its kinda like what we used to do with Indians," explained Gethard. "'Cept with them Indians, once you cut off the head, the body stopped kicking. With them tweekers, even cuttin' off the head won't stop the body."

While burning meth users alive may seem drastic, and has been called an abomination by several liberal members of congress, scientific consensus exists that meth users are not actually human beings, and do not posses a nervous system or feel pain. "Its all brain stem," said Dr. Snork, a research physician. "All the higher functions are wiped out."

Yet, while burning meth users is now legal, many cash strapped rural sherriff's departments and drug taskforces lacked the funds to immolate addicts. Seeing the need to offer assistence, the Martina County Freemasons, along with a nearby Whites Only golf course partnered pay for two dozen millitary blow torches. They will purchase the immolation devices from the surpluss stocks of the Minnesota National Guard Armory. When asked how the devices are used, Maj. General Will Danspenny explained, "they used to be used for clearing hardened bunkers when artillery wasn't called for. Each unit consists of two tanks, which are worn like a backpack. The tanks contain napalm, and can fire at least a hundred yards depending on wind and weather conditions. I can personally attest that they burn people quite effectively. I expect that crankheads will immolate even more efficiently than regular people with these things. They're so full of nasty flammable *****."

Upon receiving the devices, Sherriff Gethard explained that it will take two weeks to train DARE personnel in their proper use and maintenance. Seed money provided by the state of Minnesota will pay for the training.

"We still gotta figure out how we're gonna contain and fry these suckers," Gethard said, explaining another angle of the complex problem. "We can't jest go around napalming 'em wherever we find 'em in town, ya know. Too dangerous." The sherriff explained that the county is working on a plan to set out baited "crank traps," presumably a cage or some other device filled with methampetamine to lure the meth user and capture it alive. "Then we might jest take 'em whole to the toxic waste disposal pit and fry 'em there. We'll have to see. Can't jest cut the heads off though. That doesn't help," said Gethard. "Either way though, now that we got the [blowtorch] units, we gonna fry 'em up. All we're waitin' on is our napalm permit."

If training proceeds on schedule, the immolation of crank heads could begin as early as May.