Thursday, March 03, 2005
BENDY BRINDLE BOXER BRINGS HAVOC TO LOCAL PIG FARM
Brewman. A bendy, brindle, boxer dog was seen rampaging through a pile of dead baby pigs at the Martina County Factory Farm #0076274. It was difficult to ascertain much about the dog, because it seemed to be running at speeds estimated up to 60 mph.
It was seen by farm workers, who said the dog had a method of stealing the pigs. "She would just come out of nowhere and nose dive the pile like a freakin' kamikazi pilot!" said Randy Bumbelltweed, the farm's foreman. Then, according to Bumbelltweed, the dog would, "explode out of the pile like a rocket, kicking along dead baby pig heads in front of her."
Once the dog even stole a rendering plant truck, posing as a driver, in order to gain access to the pile. "The attacks were getting ever more brazen and sophisticated. We started to think there was a dead baby pig sleeper cell operating out of Martina County somewhere between Brewman and Red Earth," said the county sherriff. "It was amazing when we found out it was just one animal." The boxer only attempt to steal a rendering plant truck on one occassion. Because her paws were unable to shift the gears, the truck appeared to be piloted by an intoxicated driver. Upon closer inspection of the driver, who appeared to farm staff as either hideously deformed or really cute, it became clear that the truck was being driven by a boxer impersonating a human by wearing human clothes. The ruse was thwarted when the foreman asked to see the pick-up order and, unsure what to do next, the dog began licking her foreleg nervously and repeatedly.
The dog, later identified as one Madeline Mrs. Bendy Dog, with Martina county registration, was not apprehended on that occassion, but later when she returned at night to steal more pigs.
Madeline was captured when Martina County Anti-Stink taskforce set up a pig deal using an undercover informant, a skunk facing federal prison time stemming from a stink related drive-by spraying incident. In exchange for leniency, the skunk--who authorities refused to name--arranged to meet Madeline and provide her with a gross of ten baby pig heads in exchange for fifty pounds of unsorted garbage. Authorities videotaped the transaction from a remote location, and were able to trace the dead baby pig heads with the use of an invisible dye.
Madeline was followed as she took the dead baby pig heads to her local bank, to have them laundered. After deposited the heads in her safe deposit ditch, authorities retrieved said heads and were able to identify them using an invisible dead baby pig head dye reader. County authorities were then able to obtain a search warrant, and the next day they surrounded Madeline at her rural, wooded estate and took her into custody without incident.
Upon seeing that she had been captured, Madeline yelled, "I'm clean! I'm clean!" but it was clear she wasn't, as the arresting officers began to gag on the stench. Then the boxer said, "this is a set up. I'm really, really mad now," whereupon she began to lick her leg nervously and unceaseingly.
After a thorough search of her property, authorities discovered more dead baby pig heads hidden in secret compartment of a yacht and in an underground vault. A Zen farm kitty was also questioned about his presence on the property, "but he was just sitting there kneading, so we couldn't really do anything," said the sherriff. "The kitty was definately involved though. Madeline could not have planned all this on her own. No way! We will definately be questioning the kitty again in the future, as his role becomes clearer."
When Marley Zen Farm Kitty, a well respected animal yoga teacher, Reggae music enthusiast and meditation retreat owner was asked bout his role in the scandal, he replied, "Meow comment. Meow talk to meow lawyer." He then offered these strangely familiar words, in the form of a song: "Meow love. Meow life. Meow praise and thanks to meow lord, meow gonna feeeel alright." He then began to purr loudly and knead this reporters' arm.
After being taken into custody and question, Madeline Mrs. Bendy Dog admitted to having an ongoing problem with porcine addiction, for which she agreed to seek help. She was formally charged with twenty counts of Being Really, Really--No, REALLY, I'm not kidding Here, REALLY Nasty, 1st Degree, a gross misdemeanor but was released on condition of being too cute to keep in jail.
Pending no similar violations, she could could a sentance as light as being ordered not to lick herself so much or a heavy as having a finger shaken at her while a loud voice proclaims dramatically, "don't you do that! Don't you do it! Don't you do it! Don't you do it! Bad, bad boxer." Upon completion of sentance she will be washed and petted.
It was seen by farm workers, who said the dog had a method of stealing the pigs. "She would just come out of nowhere and nose dive the pile like a freakin' kamikazi pilot!" said Randy Bumbelltweed, the farm's foreman. Then, according to Bumbelltweed, the dog would, "explode out of the pile like a rocket, kicking along dead baby pig heads in front of her."
Once the dog even stole a rendering plant truck, posing as a driver, in order to gain access to the pile. "The attacks were getting ever more brazen and sophisticated. We started to think there was a dead baby pig sleeper cell operating out of Martina County somewhere between Brewman and Red Earth," said the county sherriff. "It was amazing when we found out it was just one animal." The boxer only attempt to steal a rendering plant truck on one occassion. Because her paws were unable to shift the gears, the truck appeared to be piloted by an intoxicated driver. Upon closer inspection of the driver, who appeared to farm staff as either hideously deformed or really cute, it became clear that the truck was being driven by a boxer impersonating a human by wearing human clothes. The ruse was thwarted when the foreman asked to see the pick-up order and, unsure what to do next, the dog began licking her foreleg nervously and repeatedly.
The dog, later identified as one Madeline Mrs. Bendy Dog, with Martina county registration, was not apprehended on that occassion, but later when she returned at night to steal more pigs.
Madeline was captured when Martina County Anti-Stink taskforce set up a pig deal using an undercover informant, a skunk facing federal prison time stemming from a stink related drive-by spraying incident. In exchange for leniency, the skunk--who authorities refused to name--arranged to meet Madeline and provide her with a gross of ten baby pig heads in exchange for fifty pounds of unsorted garbage. Authorities videotaped the transaction from a remote location, and were able to trace the dead baby pig heads with the use of an invisible dye.
Madeline was followed as she took the dead baby pig heads to her local bank, to have them laundered. After deposited the heads in her safe deposit ditch, authorities retrieved said heads and were able to identify them using an invisible dead baby pig head dye reader. County authorities were then able to obtain a search warrant, and the next day they surrounded Madeline at her rural, wooded estate and took her into custody without incident.
Upon seeing that she had been captured, Madeline yelled, "I'm clean! I'm clean!" but it was clear she wasn't, as the arresting officers began to gag on the stench. Then the boxer said, "this is a set up. I'm really, really mad now," whereupon she began to lick her leg nervously and unceaseingly.
After a thorough search of her property, authorities discovered more dead baby pig heads hidden in secret compartment of a yacht and in an underground vault. A Zen farm kitty was also questioned about his presence on the property, "but he was just sitting there kneading, so we couldn't really do anything," said the sherriff. "The kitty was definately involved though. Madeline could not have planned all this on her own. No way! We will definately be questioning the kitty again in the future, as his role becomes clearer."
When Marley Zen Farm Kitty, a well respected animal yoga teacher, Reggae music enthusiast and meditation retreat owner was asked bout his role in the scandal, he replied, "Meow comment. Meow talk to meow lawyer." He then offered these strangely familiar words, in the form of a song: "Meow love. Meow life. Meow praise and thanks to meow lord, meow gonna feeeel alright." He then began to purr loudly and knead this reporters' arm.
After being taken into custody and question, Madeline Mrs. Bendy Dog admitted to having an ongoing problem with porcine addiction, for which she agreed to seek help. She was formally charged with twenty counts of Being Really, Really--No, REALLY, I'm not kidding Here, REALLY Nasty, 1st Degree, a gross misdemeanor but was released on condition of being too cute to keep in jail.
Pending no similar violations, she could could a sentance as light as being ordered not to lick herself so much or a heavy as having a finger shaken at her while a loud voice proclaims dramatically, "don't you do that! Don't you do it! Don't you do it! Don't you do it! Bad, bad boxer." Upon completion of sentance she will be washed and petted.
