Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Moon Valley Sheriff Catches Chameleon
Faremount. In his latest sting to catch himself some sinners, newly-elected Sheriff Vlad Gephardt gets a bust in his latest sting effort to clean up his department. After reports of blantant hugging going on between two of his corrections officers, Sheriff Vlad had two of his inside "informants" install a video camera inside a box. The picture was blurry, dark, and only showed one officer's face and the corner of the back of one's head. "I was flustered," Gephardt said. "These two have eluded me since the election. But I'm sure they were hugging!" He then reverted to tactics used by the U.S. Military where intimidation and sexual harassment and acting like a psychotic freak during interrogation. This did not work either on them. Both officers in question were admired by both inmates and a few co-workers, and were considered to be hard workers and dependable. "They're chameleons!" Gephardt raged, "Chameleons with a chemical abuse problem!"
Gephardt was then questioned about his attempt at accusing one of the officers of drinking while on call and beating his then wife. "All accusations were not proven, but that didn't mean he didn't do it!" In this incident, Gephardt and his shief deputy went in plain clothes to the assailants home and breathalized the suspect. The suspect in question blew a .000 on a PBT unit. "More than likely, he was probably using narcotic substances that aren't detectable on a PBT. When we came into his home, we found a gameboard and two half-drank cups of hot cocoa, if that's not a sign of domestic abuse, than I'm the bloody mayor!"
Deciding that he would never catch them in the act he realized that he is the Sheriff and can do anything he wants, so he terminated both corrections officers.
"If they were member's of my church, or spent time on...extra cirricular activities to improve their position here, it'd be different. For instance, my head corrections officer spent several hours on his hands and knees trying to please me, and now look at him." Just then, before the interview was over, a short fat woman in a corrections uniform with her hair tied back so tight her eyes looked chinese and her overplucked eyebrows were on top of her head, her face looking like a glazed donut puked on her, came up from under his desk. "Ah, Tanya, you've earned a position as the second assistant to the Jail Administrator."
She wiped her mouth and looked for her radio.
Gephardt was then questioned about his attempt at accusing one of the officers of drinking while on call and beating his then wife. "All accusations were not proven, but that didn't mean he didn't do it!" In this incident, Gephardt and his shief deputy went in plain clothes to the assailants home and breathalized the suspect. The suspect in question blew a .000 on a PBT unit. "More than likely, he was probably using narcotic substances that aren't detectable on a PBT. When we came into his home, we found a gameboard and two half-drank cups of hot cocoa, if that's not a sign of domestic abuse, than I'm the bloody mayor!"
Deciding that he would never catch them in the act he realized that he is the Sheriff and can do anything he wants, so he terminated both corrections officers.
"If they were member's of my church, or spent time on...extra cirricular activities to improve their position here, it'd be different. For instance, my head corrections officer spent several hours on his hands and knees trying to please me, and now look at him." Just then, before the interview was over, a short fat woman in a corrections uniform with her hair tied back so tight her eyes looked chinese and her overplucked eyebrows were on top of her head, her face looking like a glazed donut puked on her, came up from under his desk. "Ah, Tanya, you've earned a position as the second assistant to the Jail Administrator."
She wiped her mouth and looked for her radio.
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KILL 'EM ALL: GEPHARDT PROPOSES 'FINAL SOLUTION' TO METH PROBLEM IN MARTINA COUNTY
(AP) Sherriff V.Gephardt testified today before state senators during a hearing on the methamphetamine problem in rural Minnesota. During the hearings, one senator, a reported liberal affiliated the with anti-American, pro-destruction-of-the-nuclear-family organization Tolerance Minnesota called for more treatment options for meth users. After hearing this, Gephardt burst into a rage, yelling, "go back to the kitchen where you belong, femi-nazi! Treatment ain't a-gonna do no good no how. Gotta do sumthin' bout thisy here epi-demic, gotta do sumthin' right quick, you hear. You hear me hippie? I said I'm talking to you, yeah you over there. Thats right, YOU! We need one of them final solution type thingies. Those tweeker bastards is flammable! We can douse in gas an' torch 'em! stack 'em like fire wood and heat our homes. Do you hear me, hippe? They burn, I tell ye. They burn! They is like zombies 'cept ye cain't jest cut off the head! The body gets movin' again, looking for more meth, don't even need a head. We gots to fry 'em up like chicken!" Gephardt was roudly applauded for his common sense reasoning and sound advice. Several senators promised to co-author a bill to legalize the burning of meth addicts, since all agreed that cutting off the head would not suffice. Methamphetamine is also known as "meth" "ice" "rocket" "smack" "crack" "joint" "tea" "reefer" or "devil's dandruff."
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(AP) Sherriff V.Gephardt testified today before state senators during a hearing on the methamphetamine problem in rural Minnesota. During the hearings, one senator, a reported liberal affiliated the with anti-American, pro-destruction-of-the-nuclear-family organization Tolerance Minnesota called for more treatment options for meth users. After hearing this, Gephardt burst into a rage, yelling, "go back to the kitchen where you belong, femi-nazi! Treatment ain't a-gonna do no good no how. Gotta do sumthin' bout thisy here epi-demic, gotta do sumthin' right quick, you hear. You hear me hippie? I said I'm talking to you, yeah you over there. Thats right, YOU! We need one of them final solution type thingies. Those tweeker bastards is flammable! We can douse in gas an' torch 'em! stack 'em like fire wood and heat our homes. Do you hear me, hippe? They burn, I tell ye. They burn! They is like zombies 'cept ye cain't jest cut off the head! The body gets movin' again, looking for more meth, don't even need a head. We gots to fry 'em up like chicken!" Gephardt was roudly applauded for his common sense reasoning and sound advice. Several senators promised to co-author a bill to legalize the burning of meth addicts, since all agreed that cutting off the head would not suffice. Methamphetamine is also known as "meth" "ice" "rocket" "smack" "crack" "joint" "tea" "reefer" or "devil's dandruff."
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